I'm a homeschooling mom to 9 lovely little people (some aren't so little anymore).
When I'm not functioning as a mother I'm a midwife and childbirth educator. I have a real passion for pregnancy, moms and babies.
I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance. Yes, losing the baby still hurts but I'm not crying constantly and I have a sense of peace. I went for an ultrasound Tuesday. It showed an endometrium layer of 10.1mm, normal is about 5mm and a pocket of fluid with tissue that measured about 5mm. So Wednesday I took 1000mg each of Black and Blue Cohosh and 2 cups of Pennyroyal tea. I fully expected some major cramping and heavy bleeding. Instead my cervix closed up and my bleeding halted! Who'd have thunk it?!
I got my charm today from My Forever Child. It made me cry, but in a good kinda of way. I miss the baby I never had but I'm okay with it. I know my child is with Jesus and never suffered any of Earth's great pain. I know that someday I'll see and hold my baby and I know that I will eventually have another baby I can hold.
I'm so greatful for friends and a dh that allowed me to greive, that expected me to grieve. No one ever said "it's probably for the best", no one ever thought it was "time to get over it". No, they just supported me, asked me how I was and what they could do and allowed me the space to do what I needed. I really appreciate that and I think it helped me greive and move on. I get depressed easily and this had great potential to debilitate me for months or longer, but it hasn't and now I think of my baby and get a little smile as I imagine what she/he may have been like.
My heart still aches for a baby I can hold, but it has for a long time now. I don't know that it ever won't ache, even when I'm old and grey and my womb has long closed down. I just love being pregnant and having babies, and now I'll get to hold one when I get to heaven.
I don't have any wonderful, profound words of wisdom on dealing with a miscarriage, just allow yourself to hurt, to cry, to love. Eventually the tears will run out, the love will overflow and the hurt will lessen.
I found out I was pregnant Feb 18th. I told my husband and children Feb 20th... I went to my husbands office with a very good friend and we blew up 30 or so balloons and a giant 40" #7. On the wall we hung paper cutout that spelled BABY, a sign with a "Congratulations" and crepe paper streamer of rattles. He got to the office and thought someone had used it for a party or something. I don't think it took him long though to put all the pieces together. That afternoon the statue I sent to the kids came. I bought the Willow Tree Angel of Mine figure I had it mailed to them from "God". CJ got it pretty quick and they were all so happy. Of course all of them expressed hope in having a girl.
On March 6th, after a long hard hospital transfer, I started spotting, dark brown and only there when I wiped. I went through all I knew and called M for reassurance. She told me it could very well be from spending 10+ hours on my feet on hard concrete hospital floors. Friday I was still spotting and it was getting heavier. I decided to go in for a blood draw, my HCG was 656, normal for this stage of pregnancy is a minimum of 1056. Saturday morning I started to bleed heavy and have some cramping. I had been planning a shopping trip with D for sometime for her birthday so I got to try to suck it up and deal with miscarrying while shopping in Dallas and trying to have a good time with my daughter. I think I did pretty good. Of course I cried a ton Friday night after I got the numbers and I think that helped.
Tuesday is prenatal clinic. I've never had such a hard day. It was so emotionally draining to try to smile and be my usual chipper self while measuring bellies and listening to heart tones. We had one woman who is 11 weeks and we couldn't find heart tones. It's not unusual to not be able to hear them at this point in pregnancy, but it was heart wrenching for me. I cried the whole drive home.
We told the kids last night. I don't think they completely get it, but at least it's out.
I'm still spotting and trying to figure out when I should get concerned. I'm also still getting positive pregnancy tests. I really just want this to be over so I can move on.
I decided to call the baby Izzy, since I don't know the gender, it would be for Isabelle or Isaac. I ordered this charm from www.myforeverchild.com and found this great poem on that site as well
Precious Little One I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there. I went straight to be with Jesus, but I`m waiting for you here. Many dwelling here where I live, waited years to enter in. Struggled through a world of sorow, a world marred with pain and sin. Thank you for the life you gave me, it was brief but don`t complain. I have all Heaven`s Glory, suffered none of earth`s great pain. Thank you for the name you gave me. I`d have loved to bring it fame. But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows, I would have suffered just the same. So sweet family-don`t you sorrow. Wipe those tears and chase the gloom. I went straight to Jesus` arms from my loving Mother`s womb. ~Author Unknown
okay, so I left off saying I'd post about our new years date...
As you can imagine with six kids getting a night out with my husband is a rarity. Compounded by the fact that we have no family in the area and I couldn't possibly impose 6 kids on friends who only have 3. So we have not been out on a date for 2 years! yes that's right folks two whole years. So, we thought we'd take advantage of the fact that my in-laws were coming to town and we had to be in Dallas the following day to pick up my oldest from the airport.
What a fabulous night!! We stayed at the Raddison DFW South the room was huge, with a seating area and king size bed. Clean and quite and well we'll just leav it at that ;) Dinner was at the the Palomino and I have to say I've never had such a perfect restaurant outing. The service was friendly and personal. The food was outstanding! Nathan had a sirloin that was topped with this fantastic herb butter, it was delicious. I had a fillet mignon on a Gorgonzola cheese bed, even cooked to a medium well it just melted in your mouth, beautifully seasoned, juicy and cooked to perfection. Dessert was the kicker, we ordered a lave cake, it was so much more than the lava cakes I've had elsewhere. This was truly fudgy in the middle, not just filled with a sauce and it came with a plate of sides, vanilla bean ice cream, strawberries, and espresso sauce, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. It was by far the best dinner I've ever had and I would strongly recommend this place!! After dinner we walked around the downtown area, tried on cowboy hats, bought salt water taffy and enjoyed the people watching. Then we headed over to the Comedy Sportz club. This place is very similar in style to "Who's Line is it Anyway" but much cleaner. It was really funny and we had a fabulous time. It certainly is family friendly as they bill it to be. It was so nice to get away and not have to worry about the kids or pregnant mamas. We're looking at when we could possibly plan the next get away! Anyone wanna babysit?
Whew! Glad that's over! December is usually pretty busy for me, I tend to make it that way, but adding in the apprenticeship and busy soon escalates to crazy.
I decided I wanted the bathroom re-tiled before my in-laws came for Christmas on the 2nd, and of course putting in new tile means new paint! Our bathroom before was wallpapered in a stripe with navy, forest green, cranberry and white. It looked nicer than it sounds, the counter is cranberry and the tile is gray marble. The tile was never sealed and I wasn't aware that was necessary so after 4yrs with 4 boys using it daily you can imagine what it looked like, much less the lingering odor that never seemed to wash away.
I found a warm clay colored tile with hints of burnt sienna and pumpkin in it. I went with a pumpkin color for the walls and it looks totally different, very warm. But painting with 6 kids in the house is near impossible much less trying to do tile so the tile isn't finished. In fact the toilet was re-installed a mere 15 min before my husbands parents and sister arrived! Talk about pressure!
Heaven sent had 3 ladies due in December, one went early in late November and one went Christmas eve and one Christmas Day! Margarett, bless her heart, didn't call me for the Christmas birth as I would have just pulled in my drive when she got called and it was 3.5 hrs from me so I probably wouldn't have made it anyway and I would have been dog tired when I got there. I also had one doula client who was planning a hospital birth in Lawton.
Our Christmas eve baby went well.... S was planning a center birth, so when she called thinking this was the real deal Margarett called me right away, around noon. Margarett was trying to help Anne clean and move so she was already tired and I hope, glad she had an apprentice to labor sit. I got there just before S, when she got in she was a 3 maybe a 4. Not terribly encouraging to a mama who was ready to be done four weeks ago, but she was sure this was it and she wanted to stay. I stayed with her while Margarett went back to try to get Anne's house livable in time for Christmas. S had her sister and a good friend with her. She was in good spirits for most of the labor, laughing and telling jokes between contractions. They watched movies and talked and I got a ton of cleaning done. S spent some time on the birth ball and then the tub. She asked me to check her and I thought she was a 5 but still pretty high, I don't think Margarett or Anne was very happy with me doing that, but she just seemed to really need assurance that she was indeed getting somewhere. She walked around, rocked on the ball some more and then threw up, that's when things changed. She got a little more serious and started to concentrate more on the contractions. And she found her rhythm and ritual. With each contraction she would lean on the ball, put her head down and sway her hips. She was quiet during the contractions though she complained between them. It was a little like Jekyll and Hyde. During her contractions she seemed so peaceful and serene, as if she was enjoying them. Between contractions she complained about how uncomfortable she was and how long this was taking. I think she just wanted to be done and holding her baby. Well it wasn't much longer and she was. She got back in the tub for awhile and when Margarett got there she got out and got on the bed within an hour her 10lb baby boy was born. I stayed at the center until they left, and cleaned up the laundry and trash and headed home.
Dec 22nd my doula client tried a natural induction, she chose to take some herbs and homepathic and I applied some acupressure... nothing happened. I went home and checked on her periodically over the next couple of days. So on her due date, because no one ever goes on their due date, the husband and I decided to take the kids to the Omniplex and the OKC Downtown festivities. We took two vehicles just in case, and it's a good thing we did. Towards the end of the evening, right after we got hot cocoa to warm us up before going home, A called, B's husband, to let me know they had gone to the hospital to get checked and she was about a 4 but they seemed to have forgotten about them. B was really struggling with the contractions so A got a speed class in Doula 101. He did great!! He helped her to relax and let go and by the time I got there (2hours after their call) she was doing really well, a little too well some might say. When I got to the floor and asked for her the nurse seemed confused, apparently they really had forgot about her, even though at last check she was 5cm they never admitted her, so she was in their "receiving" room, a large room with three beds separated by curtains and one bathroom. I got in the room and B was laying in bed, fairly well relaxed for a first time mom giving birth in a hospital. She would chant "open, open" during contractions, earlier on the phone, she was saying "ow ow ow" with each one I suggested A start saying open and suggest her to do it as well as it's a much more positive thought than ow. She would curl her toes and squeeze the sheet but otherwise was doing okay, I tried to help her relax through two contractions and then she needed to use the bathroom. Once there she had a ton of bloody show and lost a large amount of mucous, I thought "great, this show is really on the road!" We worked through about 5 contractions coming about 4mins apart and lasting just under a minute when she started to grunt. I thought it was way to early to start grunting, I mean she's a first time mom and has been laboring actively for only about 2 hours. She said it was burning and I kept watching her vagina, looking to see the swelling that usually accompanies the burning, there was none but she kept grunting. We talked about pushing against an incomplete cervix and I had her pant with her head back to try to keep from pushing, when I seen her belly bear down even though her chin was up I asked if she wanted me to check her. Sure enough there was a head, less than an inch inside the vagina. I sent her husband to the nurses station to tell them we needed a real room now. -I struggled for just a moment with whether or not I should have her moved and alert the staff. I knew that 10 more minutes of sitting on the pot and she'd have a baby in her arms, no risk of epsiotomy, no policies to argue, just a healthy baby and mama. The reasonable, responsible person won out.- The nurses dashed in as A had told them she was crowning. The first nurse in couldn't check her on the toilet and wanted her to lay down on a sheet on the floor! I convinced her that she could check her standing up and she agreed, we needed to move her now! They put her in a wheel chair and we raced down the hall to a room. The nurse said she had an anterior lip, I don't think that's possible with how far down the canal the head was, but who am I to argue. We panted through about 4 more contractions and then she was given the go ahead to push. I think it was about 4 good pushes later and we had a 6.14lb baby girl. There was an argument over an IV (yes less than 10min till baby and they wanted to start a bag of water), the doctor cut the cord and suctioned before giving the baby to mom then proceeded to pull the placenta out and do a bi-manual exam. I think she'll consider a homebirth for the next one.
Wow this got really long so I'll tell you about the long awaited new year's date in another post.
Friday was apparently a continuation of our earlier testing of my husband and the midwifery lifestyle...
My husband manages the developer team for his company, it's a small team and we decided that we would very much like to show our appreciation for the great work they do and the friendships that he has there. So I planned a delicious Christmas luncheon party, I had a full menu, ham, twice baked potatoes, spinach salad, homemade rolls.... the works, even a fabulously creamy, rich pumpkin cheese cake. I had purchased these beautiful plates with a very artistic reindeer on them, decorated in plum, evergreen and gold. I had plum napkins, gold colored flatware, I made beautiful centerpieces, I fully expected this to be "an affair to remember"....
I got up at 7am Friday morning so I could get the ham in the roaster and the rolls started after staying up until 2:30 to get the cheesecake finished. Margarett called at 8:11 am. She has her own ring tone so I knew from across the house who it was. My heart sank and lept at the same time. I knew she would only have been calling at that time of day if someone was in labor, but I also knew that meant my party was down the drain. I hesitantly answered the phone, hoping against hope that she just wanted to chat, but no, C was in labor.
I called to my husband, who was trying to find clothes for the kids, with a slight smile and a lilt to my head and sheepishly told him "I need to go to a birth." He asked what I thought we should do about the party, we couldn't really re-schedule because of projects his developers would be doing taking them away from the office, so it was kind of a now or never deal. I told him I thought he could handle it, I was of course lying through my teeth, but that's okay, it's what he need to hear! I started running through the list of finale preparation (thankfully I had precooked much of the meal) listing off dishes he would need for serving, where he would find serving utensils, how the table should look, I could see his mind trying to juggle all the information and make sense of the foreign language I was speaking to him. I assured him he could call me if he need me.
I ran out the door at 8:43, I had a two and a half hour drive ahead of me, I partially hoped that Maragarett would call around Chickasha and tell me I missed it not to bother, I could at least then make the party and ensure that it was as spectacular as I had planned. She didn't call, so I called Nathan to see how things were going. He was late getting the kids to the babysitter and sounded like he'd been put through the ringer. He was trying to keep the delicate dance I had started going, getting all the food timed right so nothing was sitting cold and nothing got forgotten. Considering he'd never done this before he was doing pretty good.
I walked in the door of C's house at 10:50 and found her on the birth stool, Margarett perched in front of her like a child waiting for the gumball to drop from the machine she has just put a quarter in. Anne was to her right not quite as enraptured by what was going on as Margarett seemed to be. They both smiled and I sat down on Margarett's left.
At this point I’m not sure how long C had been laboring or how long she’d been pushing. She sat on the birth stool at the foot of her bed, her head lopped from side to side as it laid against her husbands chest, she breathed heavy and was obviously exhausted. Her husband D sat directly behind her, his eyes shined bright, he was tired but the excitement just beamed from him. You would think he was the little boy getting the Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas.
We went on like this for nearly two hours. We tried flexing her hips which required Anne and I to act as stirrups. Oh let me tell you that was fun! At one point I had C’s foot high up on my shoulder with her mother in law standing behind me to keep me from toppling over! C had amazing strength, when she switched positions so one leg was higher than the other and her foot was resting on my thigh I thought for sure the pressure would cause my skin to just release and her foot to go straight through to the floor. Anne and I held feet and thighs, whispered and shouted words of encouragement. Margarett tried to help her understand just where and how to push, her Mother prayed over her through each contraction, C humpfed, yelled and moaned. It was anything but a quiet serene birth. Baby Boy J slowly emerged from his mother’s womb starting at 12:42, it took a full minute (maybe two) to get the whole body out. J is a chubby little boy weighing in at 8lbs 12oz, he has the biggest cheeks and square shoulders, it’s no wonder C had such a hard time pushing him out.
I managed to call my husband, he had tried to call twice while I was assisting. He pulled it off! They were eating when I called, of course the table cloth, glitter, center pieces and beautiful arrangements didn’t happen but they all enjoyed great food and lovely conversation and Nathan saved a piece of Pumpkin Cheese Cake for me.
It wasn’t a long labor by any means, just inconvenient timing, something that is a reality of the midwife. Sacrifices have to be made by the whole family and in this case sacrifices (though small and in reality unknown) were made by my husbands staff. It made me think how many times will I have to cancel a dinner engagement at the last minute, or how many weddings I may have to dash out of? The life of a midwife is unpredictable, and unstable, I’m already finding myself telling friends “I’ll be there if no one is in labor”
well I think I finally have some kind of plan. We're going to try for one more baby (doing everything in my power for a girl) and then we're done. We'll be saving for the next two years so I can do a year at MLL and get my clinical stuff in and should have a good chunk of everything else done and ready to sit the NARM... hopefully. But then we're done having kids and I'm able to focus on being a midwife. A part of me is sad to be "done" but I'm really ready I think to move on to a new chapter. I'm excited to see my children growing up and focusing on midwifery. I hope in that time that we can also maybe buy some land and move to the country.
I'm actually getting tired of this topic. I just want a plan. Well really I just want to assist women in their ideal birth...
I've been thinking through what I want to do. Finding a preceptor is proving impossible. So the next options are a year at Maternidad La Luz or a few stints at Casa de Nacimiento MLL is really my first choice. It's a complete program, everything would be done in a year's time and I would have direction to keep me on task. (I'm a master procrastinator) but it would mean the whole family going which means the house we're in either has to be sold, which this house sat for a year before we bought it. Or we have to have enough money saved to take care of payments on this house for a year. Nathan wants $20K in savings to make sure we don't default on this house.
I'm really feeling like this is just an impossible feat at this point. We seem to have an impossible time saving money. I could go get a job, but it would have to be after Nathan is home in the evenings and really, I wonder how much I can really make. AAMI is a minimum of 4 years and I still need a preceptor after that. I'm definitely sticking with AAMI, I think it's a very comprehensive course and an excellent continuing education opportunity. I don't think that it's necessary to start assisting in births though.
so how was your holidays? Mine were a little crazy. The inlaws where here and my kids went nutso as a result, but all in all it was good. Thankfully I get along with my inlaws, better than my own family as a matter of fact but there still seems to be some tensions.
So the Christmas decor is nearly down and I have yet to make any goals for 2007. I know I didn't accomplish much off my list from last year and many will still be the same for this year. But I think my biggest goal is to get a hold on my spending. We're not in debt and we manage to make ends meet and do pretty well but we're not saving what I'd like to be saving, we're also not making some purchases I'd like to be making and the big problem is I have so many interests that all require spending money and then I have a weakness for a good sale. We have a budget and I just need to stick to it. Easier said than done!
that is the story of my life. Yes, I said ketchup... kinda like "catch up" but not quite, as in I'm usually "catching up" but often I'm the only one with the list. But it's more like I feel like I'm not quite making the mark. You know, like ketchup isn't quite a tomato. I feel like I'm not quite a good mother, not quite a good doula, not quite a good student, not quite a good wife. Like I'm still working towards what I really want to be, A GREAT VEGETABLE. um... okay I don't really want to be a vegetable (and tomatoes are actually fruit anyway), follow along, it's a metaphor thing.
So in case you haven't realized I'm not real good at this whole blog thing. I'm terrible about making the time to update. So I've decided to make it a new year's resolution to update once a week. Hopefully I'll actually have something interesting to say. Maybe it'll make me more aware of what's going on around me as I'll want to be sure I have something interesting to say.
Well, I did have a client give birth in November. Not ideal, she was induced which ended up with an epidural, but she's happy with her decision and her birth. Baby girl is beautiful and she's nursing great! I think the mom was more informed with this pregnancy and made her decision from that information and not out of fear or ignorance. I just wish I would have gotten there sooner, I may have been able to help her better. But anyway...
I went to a little mini-conference put on by the Heartland Midwives Association. It was nice, I had a good time just chatting with other women about birth and babies. It's so uplifting to be able to candidly share your feelings about pregnancy, labor, and birth and not be looked at like a crazy person! There are times I feel so alone on this path it's nice to connect... We went to the spaghetti factory afterward and it was so much fun! I laughed so hard!! Sarah and Ann are just like me humor-wise. It was great and I'm so glad I went. I learned that Damiana may help with the PPD. I want to look into a bit more but I think I'd like to hang out with Margaret and Aileen to learn more about herbs.
So my darling husband has convinced me I need to start podcasting. I tend to come across articles and such and tend to rant/discuss them with him, or rather at him, so perhaps that's his motivation for the suggestion. At any rate I'm going to do it, but I'm a bit nervous. I mean what if I sound dorky? I know you don't hear yourself the same way others do but I'm a little nervous, I don't think I sound that great on the answering machine, is that any indication of how I'll sound on the computer? haha So I suppose my first cast should be about me, what I stand for and what the casts will be about, which I imagine will be primarily pregnancy, birth, babies, breastfeeding, being a student midwife and occasionally the crazy life I lead as a homeschooling mother of 6. But after that??? hmm... must figure out something... and a schedule! How frequently should I do this? Do I need a schedule? Would people be more inclined to listen if it was a regular program?
8/30 A few days ago I admitted to my husband that I felt suicidal. I can't recall ever having to say anything so difficult in my life.
Now I'm here to admit it to the rest of the world in hopes that some woman will gain the support she needs to get through this herself. I plan to edit this post as I progress so it'll all be right here for anyone who someday may need it...
At about 4 weeks postpartum I began feeling depressed and agitated. I would get frustrated that my baby needed me. That my other children needed me. I would blow up at everyone over anything and frequently cry soon there after. I felt guilty for being so mean...
It has progressed to panic attacks... that tightening of the chest and feeling like I can't breathe. Fear of nothing and everything, I can't pin down what I'm afraid of but I feel scared. A knot in my stomach and the feeling that I'm about to throw up. Crying unexplainedly. Thoughts of killing myself, more like fantasies of how good it would feel to die. I've had visions of hurting my baby, always as a reaction to frustration but scary thoughts none the less. I have a hard time concentrating, I can't seem to make decisions, I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time, I blow up easily and can't seem to think clearly. I shake occasionally and I feel like I'm going crazy. This makes me feel ashamed, I don't want other people to see me as weak or incapable. I don't want people to hold it against me, I don't want people to think it makes me a bad person. I love my children and there are many times that looking at them is the only joy I feel all day.
Last night I got a prenatal, B-complex, Valarian root, Calcium magnesium,L-lyinsine an amino acid and Omega 3 fatty acids. The Valarian is a nervine and I'm hoping it'll have enough of a sedative effect to help keep me from blowing up at my kids all the time.
I'm supposed to call my doctor about getting on the progesterone pill. In the past I have taken normal birth control and had a bad reaction (wild mood swings and headaches). My doctor came to the conclusion that it was too much estrogen, the progesterone pill didn't have any negative effects. During pregnancy (a time when I feel very normal) the placenta releases large amounts of progesterone. I suspect that the decrease in progesterone maybe largely responsible... but I'm finding it difficult to call my doctor. I don't know what to say to her. I really want her respect and feel I have it. I feel at this point she sees me more as a peer than a patient and I'd like it to stay that way.
9/1 Yesterday was a very bad day... I really wish I could pin point triggers or something. Nathan left for work around 8 as usual, and as usual I was still in bed, a movie was on for the kids. I generally spend an hour or two half awake while they watch movies (yes I feel like a horrible mother but at this point I can't bring myself to do anything else)and then I finally get up, usually when the baby gives me no other choice. Typically I have to referee a few arguments and answer a question here and there, ordinarily it's not too bad but yesterday.... yesterday I could have literally beat a child. Everything in me wanted to double up my fist and hit someone. I called my husband who thankfully came home right away. I stayed in bed until nearly 4pm. I woke only to nurse the baby and at 3 when Nathan asked me to call my doctor for the mini pill prescription. I did feel much less stressed when I did finally get out of bed but the self induced guilt is awful. My husband is a saint though. He came home right away when I called, supervised the kids all day, fed them, made sure chores got done, did his own work and even did school with them. He talked with his manager today. I was hesitant, again self-induced guilt and shame, but it was for the best. He's been coming home frequently and I was worried how his employer would look on that (although they are extremely understanding and have always been super flexible). Turns out the manager has seen this in his own family and even said he suspected that was the case. So he's very understanding and praying for me.
9/3 not a good day. It's about 7pm. I've been "sad" all day a few minutes ago my youngest needed to nurse, I wasn't moving fast enough and he was tired and hungry and started to cry, it took everything I had not to just toss him to the floor! I even yelled at him (like it could help to yell at a 10 week old) to be quiet. Now I'm feeling really stressed and just plain irritable. Every noise my children are making is bothering me, I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my fists and I feel a headache coming on. I haven't taken any of my vitamins today...
9/4 Oh dear Lord! How am I ever going to survive this? I can't stand noise. Any noise. It's not like I have a headache and the noise hurts it's just intensely annoying. My first reaction is to do anything to make them shut up. I locked myself in the closet to get some quiet today. It's driving me over the edge, I'm sure you can imagine what a house with 6 kids sounds like! I haven't taken any vitamins today either. I had thought that I would see what the progestrone pills alone would do but now I'm second guessing that.
9/8 Yesterday was a very good day! I've been very good about taking my vitamins and progestrone, drinking tons of water and making an attempt at getting to bed by midnight. I don't think I had a single panic attack yesterday! I know I didn't have any "scary" thoughts and I was able to feel when my anger was about to burst and circumvent it. I feel good that I went a whole day and didn't have to call my husband home. I took my daughter to cheerleading practice and left the baby with Nathan. It was about 2hrs after I ran to the store and it was good. I'm hoping it wasn't a fluke and that I've found something that works. I also talked to a very good friend the other day and was surprised she had post partum depression as well after one of her kids. I was surprised because she had never said anything, but then I suppose it's hard to admit. It felt great talking to her, just sharing similar experiences and knowing that she really *knew* exactly how I felt. I mean my husband is wonderful and he tries and I know he empathized with me but he can never really know the feeling of being paralyzed by fear but that fear has no source, it's totally in your head and you can't even designate a source for it, it's just there and it has you by the throat. And because you're an intelligent woman you feel totally crazy, like you should be locked up because you're afraid of nothing! Try as he might he'll never totally know what I'm feeling, I'm wondering if I should find a support group...
Links that may help My Dog Harriet another blogger shares her battle with PPD
1/5 It's a new year and I've been horrible about updating this. I'm sorry. I'm doing fairly well. I'm regularly taking progesterone, EFA, and a complete B. I still have my moments, which I don't think my dh understands. It seems he thinks we've found the magic pill and all should be well now. He doesn't seem to understand the immense struggle it still is to get up and function. Maybe this isn't related to PPD but it's there none the less. I love him dearly and I know if I talked to him about it he'd understand and be great, but I feel like I'm making excuses. I mean how many times can you tell the teacher your dog ate your homework before he starts to question the reality of it. I've started reading What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About(TM): Premenopause It's pretty good. I'm hoping to finish it soon and start using a natural progesterone to treat my depression. In early December I tried going off the progesterone pills so I could do some hormone testing, it didn't go well. I had all the original symptoms back in a few days and by the end of the week was not really functioning.
2/2 I've stopped taking the progestrone pills and am now on a cream Progestacare. I seem moody, and irritable and a general depressed mood. I've been feeling isolated and rejected lately. I had trouble sleeping the first few nights and I've spent most of this week with a migraine and intense nausea. I'm going to try to go back to the supplements, I'm just not very good about taking them. I also am beginning to suspect my thyroid isn't functioning properly, I'm exhausted all the time. Nathan thinks I'm not getting enough quality sleep, enough REM sleep. I kind of agree, but not sure what I can possibly do about it.
3/4 Swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. At the same time wanting to just slip away. The water is dark and icy cold, the sky is black and looming. Nothing can be seen in any direction Which way do I go? What do I do? I want to just stop stroking I know I can't
Things are getting bad again. I'm using the progestrone creme in the morning and at night. I had my TSH tested, it's normal. I'm going to see an endocrinologist for further thyroid testing and hopefully a natropath for hormone testing.
3/21 I'm back on the pill. I really don't like the idea, but it's impossible to ignore the help it provides. I still struggle with a general sadness and some anxiety but no where near where I was. I have hope again and feel like I can function. I hope to write about all this at some point. I think it's important to get women and men understanding that this is a real problem and not one to be ashamed of. I had the opportunity to talk to a midwife at the conference who also suffered from PPD, though we both thought that Post Partum Psychosis might be a better diagnosis given the symptoms. I was amazed at how we could finish each other's sentences. We had such a similar experience it's amazing. Sad that she had to suffer too, but encouraged that she came through it. One thing she mentioned that I haven't mentioned here yet and I think it's important is that part of what has kept me from seeking more help, and being more open is that I am viewed as a "birth professional", a strong woman in the community. To admit that I'm not always strong, I don't always have the answer and that birth and post partum isn't always fantastic is hard for me. I hope I can shift this paradigm by writing about it.
7/23/07 well his first birthday has come and gone. I think I'm past the worst of it. I still need an incredible amount of sleep. I'm constantly tired, crave sweets something terrible. I'm often forgetting I'm hungry and skip way too many meals and I'm not thirsty hardly at all so my water intake is way down. I know this isn't healthy for me. I'm just really struggling with turning it around. I've been off the pill since I got back from Oregon. I started taking brown kelp which seems to have helped some. I also had my thyroid checked. All my levels, including cortisol and adrenal function, came back on the very low side of normal, not low enough however, for this particular endocrinologist to supplement. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm not insured. I'm trying very hard to get up in the morning by 8 as opposed to my usual noon and exercise first thing. It's a huge struggle, especially since my husband, as amazing as he is doesn't want to see me suffer so he has a tendency not to work to hard at getting me out of bed. I'm hopeful though, there is definitely light at the end of this tunnel, and my son couldn't possibly bring me more joy.
9/19/07 I feel normal most days now, finally! I still tire pretty easily, but generally speaking I think I'm pretty close to my old self. Unfortunately in the last year the kids have gone totally out of control, the house is a complete disaster and I've lost contact with pretty much everybody in my homeschool group and online friends. I feel like I just got out of rehab, feeling great, yet still ashamed and out of touch. But, I'm holding on and taking it one step at a time.
So what's the proper blogtiquette on snagging something off a blog?? no clue so I'll do it my way... I enjoy the wit and humor of doulica and today I caught her 6 degrees post the rules of which are here
So after a couple of tries of only getting to 4 I finally ended up here I like how she writes about ordinary things and yet they seem all nice and poetry-like... Interesting
on my wanderings I found a blog that was very inspiring Babycatcher her post "Ripples and Waves" made me think about what ripples I'm causing. Lately it feels like my pond is frozen over and I'll never make a difference. My husband is good at reminding me of the little ways I've touched the world. He really is awesome even if I have to change 10x's more diapers than he does.
I just have to point everyone to the blog of our photographer who requested my baby model for her. Abigail Smith Photography She is an amazing kid. I use "kid" lightly, she's 17, and very mature and takes fabulous pictures. She has a heart of gold and really lives a life after Christ. I'm so glad she's in our lives and a role model for my daughter.
business cards brochures banners promo products give aways
I've been invited to participate at two booths in September. My head is spinning! I don't know where I'm going to come up with the cash to pay for all the printing I need done to promote myself. How do people do it? I really don't want to deal with the business side of this, really I just want to catch babies, help women and educate the public. I couldn't care less about 4 color printing. I am excited though to have the opportunity to talk to women about what I do.
Your application has been accepted. Your File # is 1881
This was in my mail box this morning.
I cried.
I don't know why exactly but I'm sure some of it is that I never really thought I would be starting this path at least not until waaaayyyyy into the future. I'm sure part of it is also the fact that I'm slightly overwhelmed by the prospect of going to school for the next 6-7yrs and then there is the idea that if I fail or don't finish we've wasted a bunch of money.
Is it insane to say that I'm afraid of success. I mean we all want to be successful right? And what's the point of doing something if not to succeed at it? Of succeeding also means responsiblity and expectations. Am I ready for those? Can I meet the expectations of those around me? Of other midwives? Dare I even put myself in that catergory of student midwife?
Nathan of course has every confidence. He's certain I have all the knowledge and ability I'll ever need and I'll sail right through this. His biggest concern is that the school will go belly up and we'll be out our money and my education will have to start over. Gotta love him! I feel so lucky to have a husband that is so amazingly supportive. He's awesome!
Well I decided I would start with the Introduction to Midwifery Studies. I'm hoping this will boost my Doula business a bit so it can start supporting it's self and maybe, hopefully someday contribute to the family budget.
Today at noon my darling husband signs the paperwork securing the loan for my schooling! That's right folks as of this afternoon I will be enrolled in the Advanced Midwifery Studies through Ancient Art Midwifery. It's a huge step and I'm scared silly. This is a good chunk of change to plop down on something that is going to take several years for me to complete and what if I don't complete it? What if I can't find a preceptor? What if I can't practice when I am done? What if...? What if..?? Nathan keeps telling me not to think like that. That it's obvious this is the path God wants me on and that He'll work out the details. I'm still a bit worried though. I'm pretty excited too! I plan to officall start Sept.15th. This will hopefully give me time to have the kids on a regular school schedule and Harris will hopefully have settled down into a sleep/eat routine so I can figure out a regular time I can study.
I'm adding "Great Starts 4" onto my package which adds another 3 years onto enrollment! So I'm looking at 7yrs if I don't do any extensions. But I'm hoping it'll give me a good rounded academic view and I don't have to wait till I graduate to take the NARM exam which means I could start catching babies before then.
Harrison William Anderson June 18th 2006 7:16 a.m., Sunday; Father’s day. Weighing 8lbs 8oz., 21.5 inches long with a head and chest measurement of 14 inches.
After five births that came between 36 and 38 weeks I had no reason to suspect I would get to 39 weeks and 6 days with my the sixth. I started bed rest at 30 weeks like I usually do and by 37 weeks I was tired and very uncomfortable. When 38 weeks came and went I was beginning to feel depressed and anxious. By 39 weeks I wondered if I should start to worry. Nathan joked that I was intentionally waiting for Father’s day so he wouldn’t get his “day of rest”. I guess he really is prophetic.
I had occasional visions of this birth trough out my pregnancy. They were just small glimpses, nothing that seemed real insightful. Things like the birds singing and the sun rising and even the way Nathan supported me, but they all where there when the time came. I hope this signifies my connection with my body, though I can’t say I felt terribly in tune this time. I did have this deep unexplainable fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle labor. For some reason I thought it would be very long and difficult. I’ve always had short easy labors, so I really don’t know where this fear came from.
Saturday night we went to bed about one a.m. I told Nathan it would be ideal to have the baby in the middle of the night while everyone slept. As I was going to sleep I thought three a.m. would be a good time to get up and tat I’d love to watch the sunrise as I labored.
I woke up at 2:53 a.m. with a strong contraction. I didn’t get excited as this was pretty common at this point. I waited for it to end and went to the bathroom and then back to bed. As I dozed I got another contraction. I started praying that this was it, that God would have mercy on my body and that the children would sleep through it. I continued to have contractions; I would pray through them and doze between them. I was having sharp pains in my pubic bone, but thankfully no back labor.
Just shy of five a.m. my water broke. This came as quite a surprise as this usually happens right before I’m ready to push. My contractions had been regular but mild and fairly spaced out so I wasn’t expecting to be ready to push yet.
I woke Nathan and quickly got off the bed. I didn’t want the bed to get wet because Fenton was still asleep in it. Nathan got a chux pad for me and helped me off with my pants. It felt good to stand and there was less pubic pain, but the contractions seemed to space out, although I had never timed them. My legs soon got tired and I asked for a chair. The contractions were a little more intense sitting but not bad. They still seemed very spaced out and I was a little concerned we would be there awhile. Nathan turned on some classical music and lit the candles. The back door was open so there was a slight breeze and the house was silent, it was all very peaceful. As the birds awoke I asked Nathan to turn off the music so I could hear them.
The contractions started picking up and I was getting more pubic pain. At some point I pushed the chair away and tried to find a comfortable position on the floor. I was really tired and waned to sleep between contractions. I noticed the sun was coming up and how beautiful the sky looked, but I worried that the children would be awake before the baby came and when I needed Nathan most. I had been praying with every contraction for mercy, courage and strength and now I added that the kids would sleep until the baby was here.
The contractions quickly picked up as did the pubic pain. Nathan sat behind me so I could lean against him; it felt good to share this space. I think transition hit about this time as I felt just one continuous peak and immense pubic pain as well as some low back pain. It was very intense, I found myself wanting to escape rather than embracing it. The sharp pubic pain was new for me and I think it caused me to worry which hindered my ability to let go and go with it. I squeezed Nathan’s hand and tried to breathe and vocalize. That’s when CJ knocked at our door wondering what was going on. He was obviously frightened.
There were two of those long contractions and then I went forward and laid on my side exclaiming that he was stuck. After another long contraction I asked Nathan to help me to my knees. The pack-n-play was directly in front of me and resting my arms on it I was able to keep body upright but still resting against something. I had another contraction, though with this one there was little pubic pain and I felt him enter the birth canal. I began vocalizing quite loudly and when I heard Nathan “shhhing” I was ready to smack him, but Fenton was waking and it was him he was “shhhing” I then felt the need to push. I rested back onto my bent legs and pushed twice before I felt the head begin to crown. One more very strong push and the head was out, oh what a relief! Nathan was trying to see but there wasn’t really any way for him to. He was also trying to make sure Fenton didn’t get scared. I had a moment to breathe and then felt the need to push with all my might. I really wanted to grab my baby and guide him out but I was pushing with such force that my fists were clenched and I couldn’t relax my hands enough to hold him so I let him slip out onto the chux pad directly below as I scooted back to make room. I sat there for a moment and stared in wonder at the life that just came from me. Then I picked him up and asked for a towel. He sputtered and let out a cry; I wiped off his face and held him to my chest. The sun was up, and the birds were singing and I thanked God for this awesome opportunity to participate in His creation.
I asked Fenton, who was laying in the bed watching, if he wanted to see the baby, he shook his head yes and came over with eyes wide with wonder. We then invited CJ in who asked what it was so I had him look. Then each child woke up and came in one by one. We all sat in silence for a moment, just a moment, and just looked at our newest family member.
The placenta came quickly afterward along with a large puddle of blood. I tied and cut the cord and Nathan held him and got me the Shepard’s purse. I took one dropper full, and then headed to the shower where I took a second. I got cleaned up and into bed and took a third. I was shaking a lot and wondered if it was related to the amount of blood I had lost. I got Harrison latched on and contemplated at what point I would tell Nathan we needed to transfer. Harrison nursed wonderfully and when I checked a half hour later I was satisfied that the bleeding had slowed significantly and the need to worry had passed. Nathan got everything cleaned up and I set about inspecting our newest little blessing.
I just can't hold it in any longer (I'm not great with secrets anyway) I'm a UCer and a natural birth advocate and I have many, many times spoken of the horrors of Ultra Sound. It's medically unnecessary and some studies suggest unsafe. I've told countless women that they should avoid a US without definite medical need...
So here I am PG with #6... I have 4 boys and 1 girl, and even though my girl has been my most difficult child I desperately want a girl. I have been wanting a girl for the last two pregnancies. Not that my boys don't totally rock my world, I love them to pieces but I REALLY want a girl (yes, I admit to being selfish) I want my daughter to have a sister, I want another little girl to dress all girlie now that I can actually afford to dress her (my daughter had pretty much all hand-me-downs from her brother cause I was broke and single) but mostly I just want another "girl bond" I'm sure those with sisters and daughters know what I'm talking about. I had decided before I even got pg this time that this was it, I didn't feel like I could do more than 6 kids, my husband was okay that. So when I did get pg I wanted even more for this one to be a girl since in my mind this was going to be my last try. As much as I hate to admit it, I was momentarily disappointed at the discovery of the last two boys at their birth. I so had hoped for a girl that I had nearly all but put out the idea that a boy was even possible. Of course my sons are awesome and I can't possibly imagine life without them now, that wasn't my first thought.
My daughter desperately wants a sister. She puts toys and clothes away saying she's saving them for her baby sister. She plays dolls with her imaginary sister. She asks all the time what her sister's name will be etc... she wants a girl as badly as I do.
So to try to make a long story a tiny bit shorter...
I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up for a little girl, but as I was sewing mother/daughter outfits I soooo wanted to sew baby matchy matchy and just *know* what we were having. I wanted to be able to let my daughter get excited about a sister, or help her cope with the idea of another brother. Really, it was just all about my sanity. My husband didn't really care either way (our baby could have two heads and he wouldn't care LOL) I haven't told anyone. I'm so ashamed, only a very close friend who went with me knows... I gave in to my own selfishness... I went against everything I've ever said and believe and had a US. It really was killing me.
so guess what we're having.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Harrison William Anderson
at the US all I could do was smile. I went through a slight disappointment for a day afterwards but now I'm excited. I love this little man and am glad I can focus my energy towards him and not hold out hope for a little girl, and now I think I'm going to try to do a few brother sets. Also, I think we're going to try one more time LOL though I'm starting to wonder if my husband has any girl sperm lol
if you got this far in my torrid little tale, thanks for listening and letting me get that off my chest. Also, please don't think I'm judging anyone who routinely gets US's. It's just been "against my beliefs" for sometime now and I feel like I betrayed natural birth advocacy.
So for the last week my darling husband has been home taking care of me. Preterm labor has started. I haven't checked my cervix, but contractions are come and go and mostly with any activity... any activity even getting up and walking the 3 feet to the bathroom. It's really rather annoying. I'm 30weeks and this is normal for me. It's happened with the last 4 pregnancies and something we kind of prepare for. No matter how much I try to plan for it though I still end up feeling helpless and crippled. I have a hard time dealing with the contractions because instinctively I want to fight them. I know it's too early so I won't allow my body to just go with it, which of course makes them more painful. Add to this symphysis pubis pain and a baby who feels the need to grind his head into my hips. I'm planning maternity pictures for next week and hopefully a belly cast at 36wks. There are so many things I haven't done though that I really want to get done before the baby comes. Dora needs summer clothes and I need post partum clothes and I really wanted to make some baby stuff, not that I need any.
though I'm starting to wonder if my husband has any girl sperm lol
