News!

The Great Sling GiveAway!

Check out the contest at Along for the Ride
Win the Essential Babywearing Stash from Along for the Ride (one Beco Butterfly, one Hotsling baby pouch, one BabyHawk Mei Tai, one Zolowear Ring Sling, and one Gypsy Mama Wrap)

Am I broken?

I'm just so sad right now. I'm worried my body isn't working right... I just finished up what would be the second cycle after the D&C, more technically the first since I'm not sure you can count the D&C as the start of a cycle but it did appear I ovulated... anyway I only had a 10 day luteal phase and a 25 day cycle! Normally I have a 13-15 day LP and a 30-32 day cycle. The miscarriage was most likely due to a lack of progestrone and that is also what will cause a short luteal phase (the luteal phase is the time between the release of the egg and the period, this is the time that if a baby is going to be made it will, 10 days is generally not enough time for an egg to implant)
I just don't understand why, all of a sudden, my body doesn't know what it's doing!?!? Will I struggle to get pregnant? Will I be able to carry a baby? What is going on?!? I just want to cry. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had great pregnancies and wonderful births, is this all going to change for me?
Am I old? (33) is it the water? (constantly getting notices of it's problems)Have I had too many pregnancies? (nahhh!) What am I supposed to do?
I just don't know where to go from here. I desperately want to get pregnant, I'm dieing to have new life growing within me, a new baby at my breast... I suppose most don't understand this desire, especially from a woman that already has 6 children. But it's there and it's ever so strong, pulling at my heart, twisting up my gut, bringing forth the tears.
We don't have insurance so a simple little blood draw isn't all that simple, but I think that's where I want to start. Having my progesterone tested this cycle...

Student Midwife

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever stop being a student midwife. The more I learn the more I realize I don't know.

I've decided to drop AAMI. I'm not happy with some of the ways Carla has handled things, but more importantly I'm not happy with the curriculum. It's a lot of busy work, things that I really don't think are needed, like writing a Childbirth education workbook for your clients. There are so many great books out there, I can see evaluating several and choosing one you would recommend but writing an entire one??!! Some of these authors have spent years doing that! Why reinvent the wheel. I also feel like the add-ons for the Philomath are not nearly worth what she's charging for them. I paid for the Great Start-4 and am disappointed with the AEU's. The fetoscope one asks for the four ways to hear heart tones and then gives you a chart to record them. Hardly what I would call educational. The 4 year study calendar is printed calendar pages, anybody could create one themselves, I was hoping for something with goal planning and such on it. I haven't requested the NARM study questions yet so I can't comment on those.

So on my preceptors recommendation I'm going through "Becoming a Midwife" by Carolyn Steiger. Much more realistic IMO and things that will actually be useful to my clients and my education. I started on the skills checklist and realized I really need to start using a fetoscope during prenatals. I also want to order a pinard horn. I'd love to find a beautiful hard wood one that was hand crafted, I'm such a sentimental.

I'm struggling with my preceptor. I feel like she's not wanting to call me for births, now maybe they've all just been fast lately, but I don't know... I'm sure it's my own insecurities. I need to talk to her about when she calls me. It seems she doesn't call until after she gets there and decides if I have enough time to make it. I'd rather she called when they called her, especially if they call and put her on alert. I just don't know how to bring it up, I'm so incredibly afraid of offending her, there are no other options for me here. Don't get me wrong, she's far from tyrannical and I agree with how she practices (mostly)so in the grand scheme of things she's great and I couldn't have found a better preceptor. I'm just not sure how to tell her I need more direct teaching and I want to see more births.

I don't feel like I'm learning anything new, but I also don't feel like I'm doing very well at perfecting my clinical skills. I think I've got blood pressure down, but I still struggle with hearing it over the movement of the tubes and such especially if mom is talking and moving her hand. I'm having difficulty with fundal height on many women, especially the fluffy, newly pregnant ones and I haven't memorized FHT chart so I'm always looking like a fool with that.

Gas is getting insane, and it's a 160 miles round trip for every clinic day and then where ever the birth is. I'm sure this has alot to do with why my preceptor doesn't call me, it seems a waste of gas to drive up there to miss a birth. I don't know what to do.

I can't believe I voted for this man/ DNA testing

Bush Signs Bill To Take All Newborns’ DNA

Steve Watson
Infowars.net
Friday, May 2, 2008

President Bush last week signed into law a bill which will see the federal government begin to screen the DNA of all newborn babies in the U.S. within six months, a move critics have described as the first step towards the establishment of a national DNA database.

This actually has been going on for a number of years, though I've been unable to find out just how many, it varies by state. This bill just makes it legal.
The newborn DNA will be collected through the PKU screening offered by all 50 states. In many states it's "required". With a simple heel stick and enough blood to fill 5 tiny circles on a piece of paper the United States Government (and I suppose any peoples they deem worthy) will have a full index of your child's Genetic makeup. Beyond just their DNA they have all the identifying information to go with it, parents name, social security numbers etc. All they need for tracking anyone, anywhere.

The concerns I have are numerous! To begin with

Dec 13, 2007: This bill passed in the Senate by Unanimous Consent. A record of each representative's position was not kept.

Apr 8, 2008: This bill passed in the House of Representatives by voice vote. A record of each representative's position was not kept.

so we can't see how our Representatives voted on this, why should this be kept secret? I'm really interested to know how our presidential hopefuls voted! If anyone has information on this please comment!

Then there is

Establish a national list of genetic conditions for which newborns and children are to be tested.

This sounds benign at first glance, but could this lead to genetic testing for "conditions" that are merely race related? I'm thinking Hilter would have loved a genetic test to determine the "pure race"

Establish protocols for the linking and sharing of genetic test results nationwide.

Who exactly are we sharing this information with? And what are they going to do with it?

Build surveillance systems for tracking the health status and health outcomes of individuals diagnosed at birth with a genetic defect or trait.

Is this surveillance mandatory or voluntary? What happens if a parent chooses unconventional methods of treatment? Will the government intervene??

Use the newborn screening program as an opportunity for government agencies to identify, list, and study "secondary conditions" of individuals and their families.

So genetic testing of anything and everything they think would be interesting, without your consent!

I wonder if Bush would have signed this 4 years ago, when he was up for re-election? Given Bush's stance on stem cell research I would think he'd be a little less likely to endorse genetic testing. I guess you just never can tell, can ya'?

Ron Paul had this to say before the U.S. House of Representatives:

"I cannot support legislation, no matter how much I sympathize with the legislation’s stated goals, that exceed the Constitutional limitations on federal power or in any way threatens the liberty of the American people. Since S. 1858 violates the Constitution, and may have untended consequences that will weaken the American health care system and further erode medical privacy, I must oppose it.

S. 1858 gives the federal bureaucracy the authority to develop a model newborn screening program. Madame Speaker the federal government lacks both the constitutional authority and the competence to develop a newborn screening program adequate for a nation as large and diverse as the United States. …

Those of us in the medical profession should be particularly concerned about policies allowing government officials and state-favored interests to access our medical records without our consent … My review of S. 1858 indicates the drafters of the legislation made no effort to ensure these newborn screening programs do not violate the privacy rights of parents and children"

I'd like to point out that Hillary Clinton was a co-sponsor of this bill...

At what point do we stop? When do we as Americans stand up and say enough is enough!

I demand my privacy

I demand my freedom

I demand the right to raise my children as I see fit

I demand the right to spend my money as I see fit

I demand the ability to refuse government intervention

What are we doing? We're like sheep going to slaughter. We bury our heads in the sand and just assume that "they" have our best interest at heart. WAKE UP PEOPLE! Your grandma isn't an elected official, they don't all love and care for you and are just wanting to see you become the best person possible. They all have their own agendas and most of them include $$

Acceptance

I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance. Yes, losing the baby still hurts but I'm not crying constantly and I have a sense of peace.
I went for an ultrasound Tuesday. It showed an endometrium layer of 10.1mm, normal is about 5mm and a pocket of fluid with tissue that measured about 5mm. So Wednesday I took 1000mg each of Black and Blue Cohosh and 2 cups of Pennyroyal tea. I fully expected some major cramping and heavy bleeding. Instead my cervix closed up and my bleeding halted! Who'd have thunk it?!

I got my charm today from My Forever Child. It made me cry, but in a good kinda of way. I miss the baby I never had but I'm okay with it. I know my child is with Jesus and never suffered any of Earth's great pain. I know that someday I'll see and hold my baby and I know that I will eventually have another baby I can hold.

I'm so greatful for friends and a dh that allowed me to greive, that expected me to grieve. No one ever said "it's probably for the best", no one ever thought it was "time to get over it". No, they just supported me, asked me how I was and what they could do and allowed me the space to do what I needed. I really appreciate that and I think it helped me greive and move on. I get depressed easily and this had great potential to debilitate me for months or longer, but it hasn't and now I think of my baby and get a little smile as I imagine what she/he may have been like.

My heart still aches for a baby I can hold, but it has for a long time now. I don't know that it ever won't ache, even when I'm old and grey and my womb has long closed down. I just love being pregnant and having babies, and now I'll get to hold one when I get to heaven.

I don't have any wonderful, profound words of wisdom on dealing with a miscarriage, just allow yourself to hurt, to cry, to love. Eventually the tears will run out, the love will overflow and the hurt will lessen.

Izzy

I found out I was pregnant Feb 18th. I told my husband and children Feb 20th... I went to my husbands office with a very good friend and we blew up 30 or so balloons and a giant 40" #7. On the wall we hung paper cutout that spelled BABY, a sign with a "Congratulations" and crepe paper streamer of rattles. He got to the office and thought someone had used it for a party or something. I don't think it took him long though to put all the pieces together.
That afternoon the statue I sent to the kids came. I bought the Willow Tree Angel of Mine figure I had it mailed to them from "God". CJ got it pretty quick and they were all so happy. Of course all of them expressed hope in having a girl.

On March 6th, after a long hard hospital transfer, I started spotting, dark brown and only there when I wiped. I went through all I knew and called M for reassurance. She told me it could very well be from spending 10+ hours on my feet on hard concrete hospital floors. Friday I was still spotting and it was getting heavier. I decided to go in for a blood draw, my HCG was 656, normal for this stage of pregnancy is a minimum of 1056. Saturday morning I started to bleed heavy and have some cramping. I had been planning a shopping trip with D for sometime for her birthday so I got to try to suck it up and deal with miscarrying while shopping in Dallas and trying to have a good time with my daughter. I think I did pretty good. Of course I cried a ton Friday night after I got the numbers and I think that helped.

Tuesday is prenatal clinic. I've never had such a hard day. It was so emotionally draining to try to smile and be my usual chipper self while measuring bellies and listening to heart tones. We had one woman who is 11 weeks and we couldn't find heart tones. It's not unusual to not be able to hear them at this point in pregnancy, but it was heart wrenching for me. I cried the whole drive home.

We told the kids last night. I don't think they completely get it, but at least it's out.

I'm still spotting and trying to figure out when I should get concerned. I'm also still getting positive pregnancy tests. I really just want this to be over so I can move on.

I decided to call the baby Izzy, since I don't know the gender, it would be for Isabelle or Isaac.
I ordered this charm from www.myforeverchild.com
and found this great poem on that site as well



Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown