Acceptance

I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance. Yes, losing the baby still hurts but I'm not crying constantly and I have a sense of peace.
I went for an ultrasound Tuesday. It showed an endometrium layer of 10.1mm, normal is about 5mm and a pocket of fluid with tissue that measured about 5mm. So Wednesday I took 1000mg each of Black and Blue Cohosh and 2 cups of Pennyroyal tea. I fully expected some major cramping and heavy bleeding. Instead my cervix closed up and my bleeding halted! Who'd have thunk it?!

I got my charm today from My Forever Child. It made me cry, but in a good kinda of way. I miss the baby I never had but I'm okay with it. I know my child is with Jesus and never suffered any of Earth's great pain. I know that someday I'll see and hold my baby and I know that I will eventually have another baby I can hold.

I'm so greatful for friends and a dh that allowed me to greive, that expected me to grieve. No one ever said "it's probably for the best", no one ever thought it was "time to get over it". No, they just supported me, asked me how I was and what they could do and allowed me the space to do what I needed. I really appreciate that and I think it helped me greive and move on. I get depressed easily and this had great potential to debilitate me for months or longer, but it hasn't and now I think of my baby and get a little smile as I imagine what she/he may have been like.

My heart still aches for a baby I can hold, but it has for a long time now. I don't know that it ever won't ache, even when I'm old and grey and my womb has long closed down. I just love being pregnant and having babies, and now I'll get to hold one when I get to heaven.

I don't have any wonderful, profound words of wisdom on dealing with a miscarriage, just allow yourself to hurt, to cry, to love. Eventually the tears will run out, the love will overflow and the hurt will lessen.