Monday, March 13, 2006

bumps, squirms and heartburn

It's official, I'm in love! The little bean is tossing and turning and bumping around and everytime it makes me smile. I love being pregnant, it's such an amazing thing, the creation of a whole new human being. I can't help but love this little one.
Of course I could do without the heartburn. A friend offered relief in the form of papaya enzyme. It works great!


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

More decisions

man this is frustrating!!
We're trying to figure out the best way to proceed. We think we'd like to get about 100 acres with some water on it (a small pond or creek) but we don't know if we should buy a mobile home to put on it and save for a year or two and then build, build right away... etc.. Nathan's going to talk to a loan officer tomorrow and see what their recommendations are. I just don't want this to drag on for 5-10 years. I'm not willing to put midwifery on hold for that long.

On a side note I am ashamedly getting an ultrasound tomorrow. I know I know! They aren't proven safe, they are pointless medically... but I really want to know if it's a boy or girl. I just need to know. We think this will be our last. If it's a girl that's definite, if it's a boy... I dunno, I will likely want to try again. I really want another girl. Hopefully one that has a better disposition than the one currently living here! She's lovely, but, WOW, she is stubborn.

So I'm feeling very chaotic right now. I need to know what we're doing and how we're going to do it. I need to be productive and have a goal. I'm hoping we can get somewhere with the loan officer tomorrow.


Saturday, March 04, 2006

Making Decisions

I can't believe how sad I am... I brought up to my husband the thought that perhaps we should think about moving. It's not that we live in a slum or anything, it's actually a really nice house in a small quiet neighborhood, but we've both talked lots about living more in the country and the kids having room to run and explore and the lack of neighbors butting in. Well it kind of hit us that if we wait 5-10 years (slowly saving so we don't have to drastically change our lifestyle) that by then the kids will be mostly grown and that kind of defeats the purpose. The market around here isn't moving real fast and it's feasible that our house could be on the market for a year or more. We also need to do some improvements (namely cover the permanent marker the kids left) so it would be a good idea to get out before making improvements so they aren't undone as quickly as they are put up. So we decided to save for a year so we could shoulder two house payments, this will of course require a major change in spending habits so we can save enough. Anyway, the gist of all this is that I have to postpone my midwifery career. It was ultimately my decision. We could do fine in this house, it's plenty big and it's a nice area just not our ideal. We just can't afford the added expense of tuition and books etc... plus conferences and other educational opportunities if we're going to do what I feel is best for our family. I've cried for the last half hour, I feel like I'm letting go of myself, the only part of my life that is really entirely about me and what I want. I feel like I'm sacrificing myself for my kids. I realize this is what parents do, but... I don't know... it's more than eating the burnt toast, or staying up all night. It's my whole self, my core, my dream, the very definition of who I am... I am the Babylady. I know she's not dead, I'll go back to midwifery in a few years, I just feel like she's getting older and missing out. We decided that I would focus on my CBE and Doula stuff, so I'm not giving up on her totally. I'm just really caught off guard at how sad this makes me.