Trusting my body

I trust my body, I trust birth, really I do. I know that in nearly all cases birth is as natural as it gets. That said I'm scared. I've been frequently getting contractions over the last few days. The baby didn't move at all the 25th. I totally blew up at Nathan, I was scared and when I non-chalantly mentioned the lack of movement he responded with the same "no big deal" attitude and I lost it. We talked and he tried to hear a heart beat with the fetoscope (got nothing, but I'm only 19wks) he spent some time with his hand on my belly and all of a sudden the baby kicked. I nearly cried. Since then the baby has been fairly active (Thank you God!) but I'm still getting very frequent contractions, sometimes they are really minor and barely noticeable, other times they take my breath away and I have a hard time concentrating through them. A few have woken me up. I'm exhausted most of the time, but mostly I'm just terribly worried. I usually have preterm labor, but not until about 30wks. Why all of a sudden so early? What could be going on? My cervix is staying posterior and closed but it seems to go from mushy to hard to mushy. I'm actually considering an ultrasound.

scared

Written 1/24 after previous days of contractions
....more contractions, they started about an hour ago (11:30) they're getting harder and closer toghether. I'm really having to breathe and move through them. I'm having a hard time concentrating and relaxing, mostly I think because I'm scared. It's way to early. There's no chance of survival this early... I don't understand why I'm having these. I don't have a UTI, I'm staying well hydrated, I'm not getting any spotting or apparently cervical change.
Please Lord let my baby be okay...

Well that was easy

I hate it when I spend an enormous amount of time contemplating a decision and then share that decision with my husband and he simply says "okay". ERG! Yes it's fantastic that he agrees with me and it didn't become a huge fight or anything but it would be nice if he would inquire about my thought process and kinda go through his own. Maybe it's because I don't fully trust myself and I want him to question me so I know he's thought it all they way through because I can trust him. (hope you followed that)

So now that I've gone off on that little tangent let's talk about what started that little digression...
In my last entry I talked about family size. Well after much more thought I came to the conclusion that God gave us signs for a reason. In Genesis 1 that the stars are to mark the seasons, and Psalms 104 talks about the moon knowing it's season and the sun knows when to go down, and Jeremiah talks about the birds knowing their season to migrate. Anyway all this to say that God put into His design some very obvious cycles and I don't think that the cycle of a woman is any different. We have obvious signs of ovulation and a limited space of time to possibly get pregnant. It's relatively easy to avoid pregnancy without using any artificial means. It seems to me that God wouldn't make it so incredibly obvious if He didn't expect us to use it.
Now I'm very open to God superseding my actions and giving me another baby. I would never do anything permanent or use anything hormonal, we'd be relying entirely on my ovulation "symptoms". I certainly know that God has the power to create life at any time he wants, whether I'm ovulation or not.
All this to say I do believe we are done (I may very well change my mind in a year-haha). I really want to focus on doing things as a family and getting my midwifery education taken care of and hopefully a practice started in the next ten years. Adding more children will make that more difficult. I want to take family vacations and spend time doing things with the kids, it's already hard with 5. Not only is it expensive, but it's also difficult for us to do things with a 10yr difference in children's ages. Their interests are very different, as is their understanding.

So I've thought this through, but I'm still feeling like I'm somehow disobeying. I don't know if it's because I've spent so much time "defending" our family size with my faith or what. Or, maybe it's because I've told umpteen million people that we'll never done. I don't know, I'm sure I could sit around and psychoanalize the decision all day. Instead I'm going with it, leaving room for God to step in at anytime.

Movin and Shakin!

I love it, baby has been bouncing around for the last two weeks. Each day it seems I can feel the bumps a little stronger. I wish there was some way for my husband to feel this. It's just such an amazing thing. The little byte stops moving every time I put my hand on my belly.

I just love this part of pregnancy. It's so awe inspiring. There is an itty bitty being inside of me. Being nurtured by body and my love. This little thing couldn't possibly survive without me right now and I am the only one who can possibly take care of it. I'm always amazed at how I can love a baby and not even "know" them.

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New Year

It seems inevitable to spend time thinking about where I am and where I want to be around the new year.
Once again I'm having that internal struggle over our family size. I love being pregnant, really I do. I also love nursing a babe (at least for the first 12 months, then I get a little "touched out"). So my struggle... Shortly after N and I got married we came to the conclusion that God ultimately has control over the womb and that we needed to allow Him to control our family size. Fast forward... 3 babies later and I'm questioning this decision. Well I've questioned it before, but it keeps coming up. I wonder... God obviously set up a woman's cycles, they are usually obvious and fairly predictable. Is this for a reason? Is this so that we can take some control and decide on the size of our family? I still believe that God can intervene and create a child at will, but does He always, or has He put these biological processes into place and it is up to use to be open to His will, but still use our wisdom and science?

I also feel bad about the questioning. Along with the general question is many feelings of wanting to be done. I want to enjoy my children getting older, being able to do things with them without thinking "well that will be hard with a baby". Also, I want to enjoy time with my husband. I want to be able to plan get always without worrying about who's nursing or me being pregnant etc. I know we can't really do that right now, but in ten years it would be feasible for us to have the older kids taking care of the younger ones while we escaped for a weekend.
AND... I want to DO things. I want to be a midwife, but that is going to take time at school and time at births. I've been oogling a couple of birth centers that do high volume births and allow short intern stints. I would be gone for about 3 months. Not something I can do pregnant or with a nursling.

So that's where I'm at. :~)