Thursday, July 14, 2011


Jeremiah Earl Moses Anderson
July 13 2011
9lbs 2oz
21.25” long
14.24” head
14.50” chest

Jeremiah means the Lord with lift up (or exalt)
Earl means nobleman
Moses means Born of God
The Lord will lift up a Nobleman, born of God

Wednesday the 13th was my due date. I had never been that pregnant before. In the days leading up to my due date I was anxious and unsettled. I wanted to have a baby but at the same time I didn't feel ready, but I also felt “over due” (remember I was expecting him about two weeks ago). The evening of the 12th I finally broke down, cried and tried to figure out what was going on in my head. That's when it hit me, I was scared, I was scared of loosing my baby.

Last October I attended a lovely a couple, who dearly wanted a baby. They were cautious throughout their pregnancy, tried hard to do “all the right things” and had the perfect labor. The little boy was born beautiful and perfect, but he didn't take a breathe, my preceptor and I worked for what seemed like an eternity on him, he didn't take a breathe, we called on Jesus, the father commanded the boy to breathe, he didn't take a breathe, he never took a breathe. All the professionals involved assured us there was nothing that could have been done to change the outcome, it was a cord accident. In that moment it gave me a little relief, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have done anything differently to save that precious baby. In this moment though I realize that means there is nothing I can do to save my own baby.

I looked up verses on fear and felt drawn to Isaiah 41:13 and put it on post-it notes on my wall

I spent most of the day the 13th praying, thinking, remembering, crying, and praying some more. I kept getting tripped up with the idea of “letting go” of the fear. How does one really let go?? I came to the conclusion that I can't let go. I can trust Christ, know that He will help me, that regardless of the outcome He is there. I know that His will is the best for me, even when it hurts, even when I don't understand. That doesn't make it hurt any less and that doesn't make it any less scary. I don't have to let go of the fear, I just have to know that I'm not walking in the dark alone, I'm holding my Saviours hand and I can trust Him. By late afternoon on the 13th I felt peace. I know the life of my child is out of my hands but I trust God to hold my hand through anything that may happen. I still had a niggling of fear, just because I know what could happen, but over all I felt peaceful and prepared.

I had a few sporadic contractions between six and seven that evening, by seven they seemed to be developing a pattern by eight I was beginning to think this might truly be labor. I had laid down about seven, I was tired and thought I'd get some rest, if it's labor it'll keep going, if not, no big deal. I'm not used to early labor, I usually sleep through that! Occasionally a contraction would be strong enough I needed to breathe through it but I got a good bit of rest between seven and nine. About 9:30 I felt a “pop” well, it was kind of a pop and a thud. I thought it was probably my water, but nothing came out, and it hurt just a tad, or rather felt like something had hit my pubic bone from the inside. I got up and went to the bathroom and then the water came out. I guess I was so paranoid about ruining my new floors I held it in. There was a moderate amount of meconium in the water, but very little water. I listened to heart rate which was strong 150's. Nathan pulled the mat out at the end of the bed and put down pads. I didn't feel scared, I felt determined. That seems a strange emotion, but I felt like I had a job to do and I was going to get it done.

I knelt on the mat on the floor at the end of my bed and told my baby we had to work together, but I was ready to get this done. I then quoted the last line in the verse on my wall “Fear not I will help” and said “Okay God, I need your help”. I'm not sure about time, but I had about 5 contractions before I started pushing. I felt like I was pushing early, normally I don't push until the head is well into the birth canal, this time I was pushing and I couldn't even touch the head myself, but I couldn't stop pushing. The contractions came right on top of each other and I just kept pushing. It was probably the hardest pushing phase I've ever had. I kept feeling like I couldn't get my hips open enough. It felt like he was scraping across my pubic bone and pushing my hips apart at the same time. I did start to worry, that he was going to get stuck, it didn't make sense to me that it would hurt so much and I could just barely touch his head. I couldn't stop pushing though, so I pushed, I was starting to worry I would tear something awful, but I had to push. Finally his head was born, Nathan said there was a loop of cord along his back, he pushed it back in. I had a moments rest before another contraction came and I was pushing for all I was worth again. I tried listening to my body to see if I needed to change positions or anything but nothing was there. I kept saying “Fear not for I will help” over in my head and pushing, pushing with all the power I could muster, finally I felt his shoulders break free. “Sweet Jesus, relief!” He cried before I could even get turned around “Thank you Lord”. He sputtered and protested to the change in environment and I was pleased to hear the complaining. I thanked Jesus several more times and snuggled with my baby.

There was little water, not quite enough to soak a chux, and lots of terminal mec. He had a thin layer of mec on him and his very long fingernails where barely stained. He scored 42wks on the Ballard/Dubowitz scale, so I guess I am supposed to have my babies around 38wks! He had an obvious tongue which I clipped right away, but we're still having some latch issues and he's not terribly interested in nursing.

Gavin couldn't possibly love him more, he's constantly trying to share toys, is very interested that he's nursing and wants to kiss him all over. He's fascinated that he has body parts smaller than his and if he doesn't see him when he walks into the room or wakes from a nap he ask "where da baby go?" It's sweet to see him love on him like that.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Pregnant Still

So it's officially my due date. Seven previous pregnancies and I've never gotten here. This has me in a tail spin. I don't know what to do, what to think.

*Why am I not going into labor? Am I just old and my body isn't producing the hormones it needs to get things going?

*How big will this baby be? If I have 8.5lbers at 38wks what happens when I get to 40?

*I've had two "sticky" babies before, will this one be able to navigate it's way out okay, especially if he's bigger?

I found myself looking through the archives looking at induction methods! I had some pre-eclampsia symptoms Monday, but seem to have it under control now. Still I feel like I need to get this baby out! The midwife in my head says to be patient and let my body do what it needs to do. The crazy lady says my body doesn't know how to do it anymore. There is another part that is apprehensive about going through labor again. I'm worried about being able to handle it, about pushing out a baby that's on the bigger side, about having a healthy baby. I want to hold and cuddle my baby, I want to nurse and lay in bed smelling him all day. But I'm scared to get there, I'm scared he might not last. I caught a goregous, perfectly healthy baby last year that never took a breath. I don't know what happened, cord accident is the official cause of death. It pressed on me just how delicate the balance between life and death really is. I'm scared to take that chance... is that why I'm still pregnant?