Acceptance

I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance. Yes, losing the baby still hurts but I'm not crying constantly and I have a sense of peace.
I went for an ultrasound Tuesday. It showed an endometrium layer of 10.1mm, normal is about 5mm and a pocket of fluid with tissue that measured about 5mm. So Wednesday I took 1000mg each of Black and Blue Cohosh and 2 cups of Pennyroyal tea. I fully expected some major cramping and heavy bleeding. Instead my cervix closed up and my bleeding halted! Who'd have thunk it?!

I got my charm today from My Forever Child. It made me cry, but in a good kinda of way. I miss the baby I never had but I'm okay with it. I know my child is with Jesus and never suffered any of Earth's great pain. I know that someday I'll see and hold my baby and I know that I will eventually have another baby I can hold.

I'm so greatful for friends and a dh that allowed me to greive, that expected me to grieve. No one ever said "it's probably for the best", no one ever thought it was "time to get over it". No, they just supported me, asked me how I was and what they could do and allowed me the space to do what I needed. I really appreciate that and I think it helped me greive and move on. I get depressed easily and this had great potential to debilitate me for months or longer, but it hasn't and now I think of my baby and get a little smile as I imagine what she/he may have been like.

My heart still aches for a baby I can hold, but it has for a long time now. I don't know that it ever won't ache, even when I'm old and grey and my womb has long closed down. I just love being pregnant and having babies, and now I'll get to hold one when I get to heaven.

I don't have any wonderful, profound words of wisdom on dealing with a miscarriage, just allow yourself to hurt, to cry, to love. Eventually the tears will run out, the love will overflow and the hurt will lessen.

Izzy

I found out I was pregnant Feb 18th. I told my husband and children Feb 20th... I went to my husbands office with a very good friend and we blew up 30 or so balloons and a giant 40" #7. On the wall we hung paper cutout that spelled BABY, a sign with a "Congratulations" and crepe paper streamer of rattles. He got to the office and thought someone had used it for a party or something. I don't think it took him long though to put all the pieces together.
That afternoon the statue I sent to the kids came. I bought the Willow Tree Angel of Mine figure I had it mailed to them from "God". CJ got it pretty quick and they were all so happy. Of course all of them expressed hope in having a girl.

On March 6th, after a long hard hospital transfer, I started spotting, dark brown and only there when I wiped. I went through all I knew and called M for reassurance. She told me it could very well be from spending 10+ hours on my feet on hard concrete hospital floors. Friday I was still spotting and it was getting heavier. I decided to go in for a blood draw, my HCG was 656, normal for this stage of pregnancy is a minimum of 1056. Saturday morning I started to bleed heavy and have some cramping. I had been planning a shopping trip with D for sometime for her birthday so I got to try to suck it up and deal with miscarrying while shopping in Dallas and trying to have a good time with my daughter. I think I did pretty good. Of course I cried a ton Friday night after I got the numbers and I think that helped.

Tuesday is prenatal clinic. I've never had such a hard day. It was so emotionally draining to try to smile and be my usual chipper self while measuring bellies and listening to heart tones. We had one woman who is 11 weeks and we couldn't find heart tones. It's not unusual to not be able to hear them at this point in pregnancy, but it was heart wrenching for me. I cried the whole drive home.

We told the kids last night. I don't think they completely get it, but at least it's out.

I'm still spotting and trying to figure out when I should get concerned. I'm also still getting positive pregnancy tests. I really just want this to be over so I can move on.

I decided to call the baby Izzy, since I don't know the gender, it would be for Isabelle or Isaac.
I ordered this charm from www.myforeverchild.com
and found this great poem on that site as well



Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

Births Update

This is going to be long, you've been warned!

I only got called to two January births...

A, young, first baby, lives an equal distance from me as she does from Margarett, so when she suspected labor I (the lackey) got called to see how she was doing. (In M's defense she thought I was closer) I get there and she tells me her water broke. She's working through contractions, seemingly difficult ones, so after a bit I checked her, she's a fingertip and not at all effaced and baby is still floating very high. I suggest she try Benaydral to get some sleep, she opted for Valarian root capsules. I left about an hour later with her and her hubby sleeping. The next day Anne and I go out there after clinic and find that she's still contracting pretty hard, but she's not making any progress. After verifying that her water was broke the decision was made that she should go to the hospital, OU was chosen after her doctor told her that he'd section her right away if she came to the local hospital. Anne went with her to the hospital and I went home. She got Pit. and IV antibiotics and had a healthy baby boy on her hands and knees the next afternoon.

J, also young, also first baby. We barely made it to J's birth and I love to tell the reason why! She called Margarett when labor started but assured her she wasn't needed yet. M talked to her a couple of times and each time J said she didn't need her yet. Well after we got there and Anne caught the baby 5 mins after we walked in the door, we asked J why she didn't call \us to come sooner and she said "I kept waiting for it to get horrible" Oh how I love that!! She had heard such horror stories that she thought for sure labor couldn't be as easy as it was for her. She had a healthy boy, at home, on the birth stool. She had a small tear that we decided to just leave alone.

February....

M, another young first time mom birthing at the center showed up a 3 with a whole entourage. We fully expected her to take all night so I brought with me a whole host of things to do. Well M apparently is more comfortable with her family than we expected and went from 4 to 8 in an hour! She spent about an hour on the birth stool but she was just beautiful. It all went really well and she had a gorgeous baby girl.

S, second baby, they chose to not find out gender She labored so beautifully! She came to the center a little early, but they wanted to settle in and get comfy. I got called around 5am. She labored slow but handled it beautifully. She would sway and breathe with each contraction and laugh and chat between them. She really was having a good time and though it took about 12 hours it was wonderful. She labored in the pool for a bit and just stretched out and laid there like she was on a tropical vacation. Then her water broke and with it came a small trickle of blood. Almost immediately she felt a very strong urge to push, she came up out of the water and we sat her on the birth stool. Heart tones were irregular and slow. She pushed hard for two or three pushes and out came her baby girl, very bloody, a little limp but all in all well. Then the blood started. It just poured out of her, like she was peeing it into the bag under the stool. I threw pads on the bed and Anne told her we needed her to lay down *NOW*. She didn't think anything was wrong and never felt light headed or anything. 3 droppers of Shepard's purse later and lots of fundal massage and she finally slowed to a reasonable amount. Within an hour her bleeding was nearly non existent.

March so far...
Marie, another young first time mom, she was very excited and optimistic about a homebirth. She called Margarett early Tues morning as contractions had started. We talked to her again around 11:30 when her water broke and there was meconium in it. We headed out right away, got there and she's a 1 with light to moderate mec. We encouraged her to get some sleep, she was obviously exhausted and having a hard time. We left to find a pool and took our time, hoping she would get a couple hours of sleep. When we got back around 3 she was still a 1, baby was still high, still a good bit of mec and heart tones were flat. By 4 we had made the decision to transfer. Baby's heart tones just were not responding and it just didn't feel good. So we went to OU where they essentially did nothing for 7hrs!! I stayed with her through the night. They didn't want to give her pitocin because of baby's heart tones, even though she was making very little progress (she dilated to a 3 by 11:30, 24hrs after her water broke) she desperately wanted and epidural as she couldn't sleep and couldn't deal with being in bed and not making any progress. They didn't want to give her an epidural for fear that her contractions would peter out. So she laid there and beg for pain relief they wouldn't give her and cried about the little progress she was making. It was heart wrenching, I felt so bad for her and helped her through the contractions as best I could. They finally gave her an epidural at 8am and I left at 9 since she was sound asleep and I needed some rest myself.
At 11:30 she called, they had decided to do a c-section. Baby's heart tones never got better, neither did the mec. There are so many things I think this hospital should have done that they didn't. I love that it is generally a non-interventive hospital, but in this case, intervention was exactly what we needed. I'm glad she had a healthy baby girl and in the end everything worked out for her.