New Year
It seems inevitable to spend time thinking about where I am and where I want to be around the new year.
Once again I'm having that internal struggle over our family size. I love being pregnant, really I do. I also love nursing a babe (at least for the first 12 months, then I get a little "touched out"). So my struggle... Shortly after N and I got married we came to the conclusion that God ultimately has control over the womb and that we needed to allow Him to control our family size. Fast forward... 3 babies later and I'm questioning this decision. Well I've questioned it before, but it keeps coming up. I wonder... God obviously set up a woman's cycles, they are usually obvious and fairly predictable. Is this for a reason? Is this so that we can take some control and decide on the size of our family? I still believe that God can intervene and create a child at will, but does He always, or has He put these biological processes into place and it is up to use to be open to His will, but still use our wisdom and science?
I also feel bad about the questioning. Along with the general question is many feelings of wanting to be done. I want to enjoy my children getting older, being able to do things with them without thinking "well that will be hard with a baby". Also, I want to enjoy time with my husband. I want to be able to plan get always without worrying about who's nursing or me being pregnant etc. I know we can't really do that right now, but in ten years it would be feasible for us to have the older kids taking care of the younger ones while we escaped for a weekend.
AND... I want to DO things. I want to be a midwife, but that is going to take time at school and time at births. I've been oogling a couple of birth centers that do high volume births and allow short intern stints. I would be gone for about 3 months. Not something I can do pregnant or with a nursling.
So that's where I'm at. :~)
Once again I'm having that internal struggle over our family size. I love being pregnant, really I do. I also love nursing a babe (at least for the first 12 months, then I get a little "touched out"). So my struggle... Shortly after N and I got married we came to the conclusion that God ultimately has control over the womb and that we needed to allow Him to control our family size. Fast forward... 3 babies later and I'm questioning this decision. Well I've questioned it before, but it keeps coming up. I wonder... God obviously set up a woman's cycles, they are usually obvious and fairly predictable. Is this for a reason? Is this so that we can take some control and decide on the size of our family? I still believe that God can intervene and create a child at will, but does He always, or has He put these biological processes into place and it is up to use to be open to His will, but still use our wisdom and science?
I also feel bad about the questioning. Along with the general question is many feelings of wanting to be done. I want to enjoy my children getting older, being able to do things with them without thinking "well that will be hard with a baby". Also, I want to enjoy time with my husband. I want to be able to plan get always without worrying about who's nursing or me being pregnant etc. I know we can't really do that right now, but in ten years it would be feasible for us to have the older kids taking care of the younger ones while we escaped for a weekend.
AND... I want to DO things. I want to be a midwife, but that is going to take time at school and time at births. I've been oogling a couple of birth centers that do high volume births and allow short intern stints. I would be gone for about 3 months. Not something I can do pregnant or with a nursling.
So that's where I'm at. :~)
Labels: personal
posted by Babylady at 2:30 AM
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