I'm a complete hypocrite

I just can't hold it in any longer (I'm not great with secrets anyway)
I'm a UCer and a natural birth advocate and I have many, many times spoken of the horrors of Ultra Sound. It's medically unnecessary and some studies suggest unsafe. I've told countless women that they should avoid a US without definite medical need...

So here I am PG with #6... I have 4 boys and 1 girl, and even though my girl has been my most difficult child I desperately want a girl. I have been wanting a girl for the last two pregnancies. Not that my boys don't totally rock my world, I love them to pieces but I REALLY want a girl (yes, I admit to being selfish) I want my daughter to have a sister, I want another little girl to dress all girlie now that I can actually afford to dress her (my daughter had pretty much all hand-me-downs from her brother cause I was broke and single) but mostly I just want another "girl bond" I'm sure those with sisters and daughters know what I'm talking about. I had decided before I even got pg this time that this was it, I didn't feel like I could do more than 6 kids, my husband was okay that. So when I did get pg I wanted even more for this one to be a girl since in my mind this was going to be my last try.
As much as I hate to admit it, I was momentarily disappointed at the discovery of the last two boys at their birth. I so had hoped for a girl that I had nearly all but put out the idea that a boy was even possible. Of course my sons are awesome and I can't possibly imagine life without them now, that wasn't my first thought.

My daughter desperately wants a sister. She puts toys and clothes away saying she's saving them for her baby sister. She plays dolls with her imaginary sister. She asks all the time what her sister's name will be etc... she wants a girl as badly as I do.

So to try to make a long story a tiny bit shorter...

I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up for a little girl, but as I was sewing mother/daughter outfits I soooo wanted to sew baby matchy matchy and just *know* what we were having. I wanted to be able to let my daughter get excited about a sister, or help her cope with the idea of another brother. Really, it was just all about my sanity. My husband didn't really care either way (our baby could have two heads and he wouldn't care LOL) I haven't told anyone. I'm so ashamed, only a very close friend who went with me knows... I gave in to my own selfishness... I went against everything I've ever said and believe and had a US. It really was killing me.

so guess what we're having....
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Harrison William Anderson

at the US all I could do was smile. I went through a slight disappointment for a day afterwards but now I'm excited. I love this little man and am glad I can focus my energy towards him and not hold out hope for a little girl, and now I think I'm going to try to do a few brother sets.
Also, I think we're going to try one more time LOL though I'm starting to wonder if my husband has any girl sperm lol

if you got this far in my torrid little tale, thanks for listening and letting me get that off my chest.
Also, please don't think I'm judging anyone who routinely gets US's. It's just been "against my beliefs" for sometime now and I feel like I betrayed natural birth advocacy.

And it begins again

So for the last week my darling husband has been home taking care of me. Preterm labor has started. I haven't checked my cervix, but contractions are come and go and mostly with any activity... any activity even getting up and walking the 3 feet to the bathroom. It's really rather annoying. I'm 30weeks and this is normal for me. It's happened with the last 4 pregnancies and something we kind of prepare for. No matter how much I try to plan for it though I still end up feeling helpless and crippled. I have a hard time dealing with the contractions because instinctively I want to fight them. I know it's too early so I won't allow my body to just go with it, which of course makes them more painful. Add to this symphysis pubis pain and a baby who feels the need to grind his head into my hips.
I'm planning maternity pictures for next week and hopefully a belly cast at 36wks. There are so many things I haven't done though that I really want to get done before the baby comes. Dora needs summer clothes and I need post partum clothes and I really wanted to make some baby stuff, not that I need any.