Making Decisions

I can't believe how sad I am... I brought up to my husband the thought that perhaps we should think about moving. It's not that we live in a slum or anything, it's actually a really nice house in a small quiet neighborhood, but we've both talked lots about living more in the country and the kids having room to run and explore and the lack of neighbors butting in. Well it kind of hit us that if we wait 5-10 years (slowly saving so we don't have to drastically change our lifestyle) that by then the kids will be mostly grown and that kind of defeats the purpose. The market around here isn't moving real fast and it's feasible that our house could be on the market for a year or more. We also need to do some improvements (namely cover the permanent marker the kids left) so it would be a good idea to get out before making improvements so they aren't undone as quickly as they are put up. So we decided to save for a year so we could shoulder two house payments, this will of course require a major change in spending habits so we can save enough. Anyway, the gist of all this is that I have to postpone my midwifery career. It was ultimately my decision. We could do fine in this house, it's plenty big and it's a nice area just not our ideal. We just can't afford the added expense of tuition and books etc... plus conferences and other educational opportunities if we're going to do what I feel is best for our family. I've cried for the last half hour, I feel like I'm letting go of myself, the only part of my life that is really entirely about me and what I want. I feel like I'm sacrificing myself for my kids. I realize this is what parents do, but... I don't know... it's more than eating the burnt toast, or staying up all night. It's my whole self, my core, my dream, the very definition of who I am... I am the Babylady. I know she's not dead, I'll go back to midwifery in a few years, I just feel like she's getting older and missing out. We decided that I would focus on my CBE and Doula stuff, so I'm not giving up on her totally. I'm just really caught off guard at how sad this makes me.