BabyLady Memoirs

What's in a name?

2011-09-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

Today I legally changed my name to Camarell. I'm sure most of you are saying "I thought your name was Camie" well let me try to explain...

I grew up as Camie, this is the name my father gave me. My father also gave me a black eye, whiplash, numerous bruises, and emotional trauma. Life with him was never easy, he was angry, abusive and nothing was ever good enough for him. I have spent my life believing the lies he's told me, that I'm worthless and stupid. I've finally replaced those lies with the Truth. I've worked hard to quiet his voice, to stop letting the hurt dictate who I am. That hurt directed me in many ways. I spent too many years trying to prove, in all the wrong ways, that I was worth something. I did things I'm not proud of, I hurt people in ways I'll likely never know. I perpetuated what I was taught...

I'm not that person anymore. I've learned so much, changed so much. God has worked a wonder in me and I needed a tangible representation of that change, so I stopped using Camie. This was a symbol of sloughing off the past, of uprooting the weeds that had grown in my heart. It was a way to remove myself from the person who gave me the name and was the source of so much of the pain.

When I first heard this song I thought they said "you have been renamed" and it resonated with me. I was in tears, God had given this song to me! I was a little deflated when I found the lyrics but either way it is my life song and I still feel God gave this song to me. I am more, I have been remade and now I have been renamed.

My birth certificate reads Carmerall. My mother left when I was young so I never knew how she intended my name to be pronounced, my grandmother always pronounced it Camarell, with the accent on Cam and a slight draw on rell. I like it, I think it's beautiful.

I'm still growing, I'm still struggling, but I'm hanging on to the truth that I am MORE and I have been remade. My "new" name is a triumph in my life. I got to the top of the mountain, I faced my demons and with the strength of Christ I came out on the other side a new creation.

I know some of you struggle with the "new" name and for that I'm sorry. I hope you can try to understand why it's important to me. It's part of leaving the past behind me and moving forward. It's becoming the person I want to be and leaving behind the person I was.

2 Corinthians 17-21
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, she is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

2011-09-03T02:05:00.002-05:00

Have you seen wordle yet?

Jeremiah

2011-07-14T20:21:00.008-05:00

Jeremiah Earl Moses Anderson
July 13 2011
9lbs 2oz
21.25” long
14.24” head
14.50” chest

Jeremiah means the Lord with lift up (or exalt)
Earl means nobleman
Moses means Born of God
The Lord will lift up a Nobleman, born of God

Wednesday the 13th was my due date. I had never been that pregnant before. In the days leading up to my due date I was anxious and unsettled. I wanted to have a baby but at the same time I didn't feel ready, but I also felt “over due” (remember I was expecting him about two weeks ago). The evening of the 12th I finally broke down, cried and tried to figure out what was going on in my head. That's when it hit me, I was scared, I was scared of loosing my baby.

Last October I attended a lovely a couple, who dearly wanted a baby. They were cautious throughout their pregnancy, tried hard to do “all the right things” and had the perfect labor. The little boy was born beautiful and perfect, but he didn't take a breathe, my preceptor and I worked for what seemed like an eternity on him, he didn't take a breathe, we called on Jesus, the father commanded the boy to breathe, he didn't take a breathe, he never took a breathe. All the professionals involved assured us there was nothing that could have been done to change the outcome, it was a cord accident. In that moment it gave me a little relief, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have done anything differently to save that precious baby. In this moment though I realize that means there is nothing I can do to save my own baby.

I looked up verses on fear and felt drawn to Isaiah 41:13 and put it on post-it notes on my wall

I spent most of the day the 13th praying, thinking, remembering, crying, and praying some more. I kept getting tripped up with the idea of “letting go” of the fear. How does one really let go?? I came to the conclusion that I can't let go. I can trust Christ, know that He will help me, that regardless of the outcome He is there. I know that His will is the best for me, even when it hurts, even when I don't understand. That doesn't make it hurt any less and that doesn't make it any less scary. I don't have to let go of the fear, I just have to know that I'm not walking in the dark alone, I'm holding my Saviours hand and I can trust Him. By late afternoon on the 13th I felt peace. I know the life of my child is out of my hands but I trust God to hold my hand through anything that may happen. I still had a niggling of fear, just because I know what could happen, but over all I felt peaceful and prepared.

I had a few sporadic contractions between six and seven that evening, by seven they seemed to be developing a pattern by eight I was beginning to think this might truly be labor. I had laid down about seven, I was tired and thought I'd get some rest, if it's labor it'll keep going, if not, no big deal. I'm not used to early labor, I usually sleep through that! Occasionally a contraction would be strong enough I needed to breathe through it but I got a good bit of rest between seven and nine. About 9:30 I felt a “pop” well, it was kind of a pop and a thud. I thought it was probably my water, but nothing came out, and it hurt just a tad, or rather felt like something had hit my pubic bone from the inside. I got up and went to the bathroom and then the water came out. I guess I was so paranoid about ruining my new floors I held it in. There was a moderate amount of meconium in the water, but very little water. I listened to heart rate which was strong 150's. Nathan pulled the mat out at the end of the bed and put down pads. I didn't feel scared, I felt determined. That seems a strange emotion, but I felt like I had a job to do and I was going to get it done.

I knelt on the mat on the floor at the end of my bed and told my baby we had to work together, but I was ready to get this done. I then quoted the last line in the verse on my wall “Fear not I will help” and said “Okay God, I need your help”. I'm not sure about time, but I had about 5 contractions before I started pushing. I felt like I was pushing early, normally I don't push until the head is well into the birth canal, this time I was pushing and I couldn't even touch the head myself, but I couldn't stop pushing. The contractions came right on top of each other and I just kept pushing. It was probably the hardest pushing phase I've ever had. I kept feeling like I couldn't get my hips open enough. It felt like he was scraping across my pubic bone and pushing my hips apart at the same time. I did start to worry, that he was going to get stuck, it didn't make sense to me that it would hurt so much and I could just barely touch his head. I couldn't stop pushing though, so I pushed, I was starting to worry I would tear something awful, but I had to push. Finally his head was born, Nathan said there was a loop of cord along his back, he pushed it back in. I had a moments rest before another contraction came and I was pushing for all I was worth again. I tried listening to my body to see if I needed to change positions or anything but nothing was there. I kept saying “Fear not for I will help” over in my head and pushing, pushing with all the power I could muster, finally I felt his shoulders break free. “Sweet Jesus, relief!” He cried before I could even get turned around “Thank you Lord”. He sputtered and protested to the change in environment and I was pleased to hear the complaining. I thanked Jesus several more times and snuggled with my baby.

There was little water, not quite enough to soak a chux, and lots of terminal mec. He had a thin layer of mec on him and his very long fingernails where barely stained. He scored 42wks on the Ballard/Dubowitz scale, so I guess I am supposed to have my babies around 38wks! He had an obvious tongue which I clipped right away, but we're still having some latch issues and he's not terribly interested in nursing.

Gavin couldn't possibly love him more, he's constantly trying to share toys, is very interested that he's nursing and wants to kiss him all over. He's fascinated that he has body parts smaller than his and if he doesn't see him when he walks into the room or wakes from a nap he ask "where da baby go?" It's sweet to see him love on him like that.

Pregnant Still

2011-07-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

So it's officially my due date. Seven previous pregnancies and I've never gotten here. This has me in a tail spin. I don't know what to do, what to think.

*Why am I not going into labor? Am I just old and my body isn't producing the hormones it needs to get things going?

*How big will this baby be? If I have 8.5lbers at 38wks what happens when I get to 40?

*I've had two "sticky" babies before, will this one be able to navigate it's way out okay, especially if he's bigger?

I found myself looking through the gentlebirth.org archives looking at induction methods! I had some pre-eclampsia symptoms Monday, but seem to have it under control now. Still I feel like I need to get this baby out! The midwife in my head says to be patient and let my body do what it needs to do. The crazy lady says my body doesn't know how to do it anymore. There is another part that is apprehensive about going through labor again. I'm worried about being able to handle it, about pushing out a baby that's on the bigger side, about having a healthy baby. I want to hold and cuddle my baby, I want to nurse and lay in bed smelling him all day. But I'm scared to get there, I'm scared he might not last. I caught a goregous, perfectly healthy baby last year that never took a breath. I don't know what happened, cord accident is the official cause of death. It pressed on me just how delicate the balance between life and death really is. I'm scared to take that chance... is that why I'm still pregnant?

My Diatribe on Forumla

2010-08-01T18:22:00.004-05:00

Today on Facebook Crunchy Mommas International which is a profile for Dr.Momma or Peaceful Parenting Blog linked to an anglefire article

Is Formula Really All
That Harmful?

I am trying to decide whether or not I really want to wean my three month old baby to formula. Although breastfeeding is going well and my baby is thriving, I am wanting to get my body back, and I wonder if it really makes a difference?

Now the article it's self goes into great reasons why you should breastfed and that is not why I'm writing today. There is a ton of information on the web about the benefits of breastfeeding, I don't think I really need to rehash them all here.

Today's thoughts were provoked by comments left on Crunchy Mommas facebook post.
Some specific comments:

but no mother should make another feel bad about how she raises her child, unless it is harmful to the child

Yes, breast feeding might be 'best' for baby but it's a very, very personal decision

Women and mothers need to stick together and support each other

First off, let me say that as a mother who has chosen very non-traditional childraising methods and choices, I fully support the idea that we aren't all going to do things the same way and we need to support each other in those choices whether we agree with them or not.
However, I feel that somethings should simply not be a choice. Circumcision is top of my list, breastfeeding is next. Other things on that list would include not putting your infant in a car-seat, giving your minor children alcohol... etc... most of these things on my list are already laws, though I don't know that they should be, but that's another post (look for Nanny State Diatribe in the future)

Breastfeeding costs the US approximately $13 billion every year, that's not counting what we spend in tax dollars through WIC for formula, no that's just the medical expenses estimated for the health effects of not breastfeeding. Breastmilk is a free resource, that has time and again proven to be far superior to it's man made counterparts. Formula has been recalled countless times, frequently putting babies in the hospital and even causing a handful of deaths. I would say that formula borderlines being harmful to your child, in light of the alternative. It's like comparing water to Coke. No, coke won't kill you (at least not today)but who would recommend it as a viable consistent drinking alternative? If there was absolutely nothing but Coke available, yeah, it's better than dieing of dehydration, but it's obviously not the best. Formula is much the same way. Yes there is a handful of women who truly can not nurse for whatever reason and for them formula will have to do, but it should be the exception and I don't believe it should be a readily available, easy to make choice.
Which brings me to the next comment

Women and mothers need to stick together and support each other

Amen sister!! I know that many people think that us lactivists can be a little harsh and that mothers who have to formula feed shouldn't be looked down upon. Well I agree, that is if they really have to formula feed. I also think that if we knew that formula wasn't as easy as walking down to the local grocer and picking up a can that when we seen a woman in public bottle feeding her baby we would make one of 3 assumptions:
1. She's not the baby's mother but another caretaker with breastmilk in the bottle.
2. She has difficulty nursing in public, so brings breastmilk in a bottle
3. She can't nurse for some reason
If it's reason #3 all the lactivits that I know would nearly break down crying. We would certainly support and lift up this mother who would obviously want to nurse (because that's what is expected and known to be the best) and would be hurting because she couldn't. In fact most of us would rally around her and pump for her baby (I've seen it many times)so her baby could get the awesome benefits of breastmilk.
On Facebook one of the comments said this:

When I feed my son in public, I get glares because he eats from a bottle.

I feel for this woman who also professed to being a lactivist and trying hard to nurse. I don't think she would have this reaction if society knew that for a mother to formula feed she had to go through all the effort of trying to nurse first. Yes, I'm advocating that formula be by prescription only. This is the case is several countries, like Sweden, where their overall health is also better than ours. Now I know a lot of things would have to happen first for that to come to fruition and I'm not saying it should or could happen tomorrow. The overall attitude of our society would have to shift to breastmilk being the expectation. But if it did, and my dreams came true then we wouldn't have as the quote above says "glares" for formula feeding. The assumption would be there was a problem and the baby had to have formula. Rather than glare, women would cry, love and support.
So might I suggest that when you see a mother bottle feeding you ask her why she couldn't nurse. Start making the assumption that she tried and failed, perhaps if we put that idea out there, the expectation that every mother at least tried to nurse and didn't simply choose to give her baby formula, we can get closer to the breastfeeding utopia of 90% of mothers breastfeeding until at least 6months.

Recovering from Gallbladder Surgery

2010-07-31T15:36:00.004-05:00

Well I got the surgeon consult moved up to the 21st. The surgeon did a good job of going over all the risks, and possible complications of surgery. After discussing my symptoms and the fact that I was taking percocet or loritab several times a day he squeezed me into his Friday schedule. This was both relief and anxiety. Relief that I may finally be out of pain but anxiety that I would likely miss a birth or possibly two (I did miss one) and less time for us to gather the necessary funds to pay for the procedure.
So blood work and nothing by mouth after midnight and we headed to the hospital early Friday morning, much earlier than I'm used to getting up! Nathan dropped me off so I could get prepped then he took the kids up to Anna's. I tell ya' that girl is a life saver. We are so greatful she agreed to take the kids. I really needed Nathan after the surgery even in the hospital.
I still haven't talked to the surgeon, though Nathan did while I was still under. Everything went fine, the stones are huge and they had to enlarge one incision just to get them out.
Recovery has been harder than expected. Today is day 8 since the surgery and I'm still struggling. My abdominal muscles don't ache any longer and I can sit up on my own again, but I'm still weak and tired. I've nearly passed out twice, both times when I was on my feet for more than 5 mins. I struggle with anemia most of the time and I've chaulked it up to that, but in looking around the web it seems that a good deal of people have that drugged out, worn down, ran over feeling for several weeks to months after the surgery. None the less, I'm still working on building up my blood through floradix, grape juice, spinach and dark chocolate. I also had some fluid build up around the navel incision, it's gone down, though not all the way. It's also hard and where I have the most pain. All the incision sites itch now and I can't wait to remove the surgi strips.
Here is an interesting computer generated video of a Cholecystectomy

I still haven't had a cheeseburger, but I've had lots of cheese :)

Gallbladder

2010-07-14T21:48:00.002-05:00

Well I did the cleanse, twice and then had another ultrasound. The "twins" are still there and they're trying to make more friends. Not what I was hoping to hear. The ultrasound showed no change in the stones, but now there is sludge visible and the common bile duct has enlarged. The surgeon consult is scheduled for July 28. Surgery will likely be 2wks after that. At least all the mamas due should have their babies by then.

I've lost 20lbs in the last month. Food has become the enemy. I'm in pain pretty much non-stop but it's worse if I eat. No it doesn't matter what I eat anymore. Fatty foods put the pain level through the roof, but just eating oatmeal gets it going too. So I'm not really eating, when I do eat I try to make it protein so I at least have some energy. This has been very difficult for me, I'm starving all the time, I can't sleep without drugs, I have no energy because I'm not eating and not sleeping. It even hurts to hold my kids, the slightest pressure on my stomach is excruciating. I'm taking percocet on a daily basis now. I hate taking pain medications. It makes me feel weak.

The depression set in today, the tears have been rolling all day long. I've been waiting for it, I knew it would come, it always does when I feel I don't have control of life. I'm trying hard to lean on God, but it's been difficult. This is such a physical thing and I've begged and begged for Him to relieve my pain. He hasn't and I suppose there is some reason for that, it'd help if I knew what it was.

The best thing about all of this is my kids prayers. I love hearing my babies pray for me. It warms my heart like nothing else.

I really want a cheeseburger, with bacon, and extra mayo.

I miss Cheese!

2010-06-18T00:28:00.002-05:00

A little over a year ago I began having some serious back problems. Enough to cause me to seek out a prescription for muscle relaxers! It seemed to be mostly under control so long as I seen my chiropractor 3x a week and the massage therapist once a week. When this first started the chiropractor asked me if I thought it could be my gallbladder since it was my right shoulder where the pain started. I pushed that off for a few reasons: 1. The muscles were obviously spasming, you could feel a "rope" down the right side of my back and massage helped.
2. I have a good diet, I don't avoid fat, but I don't eat a ton of it either. Far less than the average american and I eat lots of raw fruits and veggies and whole grains.
3. There is no history of gallbladder disease in my family

Well the episodes starting coming again a few months ago and chiropractor and massage therapist were not able to help me much. I also started throwing up bile with every attack. I also noticed that my gallbladder seemed enlarged and tender. So I broke down and had an ultrasound done of my gallbladder.

Let me introduce you to the "twins"

See the one on the far right and the other one to the left? Aren't they cute?!
2 stones, each measuring 2cm. I was floored! I'm not supposed to have these kinds of issues, I eat the good stuff!
Well now I'm on a lowest of the low fat diet. It's horrid! I can't have cheese! But did you know that Angel Food cake has no fat? neither does Hershey's syrup and they make a pretty satisfying dessert together.

So I seen a gastroentrologist who said "Take it out!!!" He poo-pooed my concerns about metabolizing fats, and fat soluble vitamins. Said we can live just fine without a gallbladder, especially someone who eats well. Hmm. yeah... um I'd like to try to save my otherwise healthy gallbladder if at all possible. I still have all my parts (yes even my tonsils) I'm kinda attached to my organs thankyouvermuch.

I then see the naturopath. Who said, "Gallstones, No problem!" he apparently has helped more than 600 people easily pass gallstones. I was leery because mine are huge (for reference the common bile duct these stones have to pass through is 4mm wide), but at this point I'm willing to try anything before going to surgery. His recipe is a quart of organic apple juice with 90 drops of Phosfood every day for 7 days. Then on the seventh day you mix a cup of olive oil, the juice of a fresh squeezed lemon and a cup of Coke classic and shoot it back! Then you lie down in the fetal position on your right side for half an hour and then go to sleep. Supposedly you'll pass the stones the next day. I know this: I'm getting tired of apple juice!

Tripping

2010-05-27T00:04:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you just kept tripping up, one obstacle after another was in your path keeping you from reaching your destination? I feel like the finish line is so close, I'm almost there and we've (husband and I)felt all along that this was the path God wanted us on. We prayed, we laid out our fleeces, we truly felt that we were following God's lead, not forcing our way or stepping out from where He wanted us. Now I'm second guessing that. I can't go into details but two HUGE obstacles have surfaced in the last week, one for each of us. I don't know how to discern if these obstacles are God saying, "nope, that's not where I want you" or Satan trying to push us from the path that we are supposed to be traveling. If it's God I want to stand back and see where He wants us to go, what He wants us to do. If it's Satan I want to push on through and fight to the finish. How do I know the difference? This is a huge crux for our family, either direction we go will have a huge impact on us for years to come this isn't a decision we can take lightly. I've prayed, and poured out my heart to Jesus and He has brought Jer 29:11 to me on 3 separate occasions.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

But I don't know how to take that. Yes I understand that He knows the plans He has for us, and He wants us to prosper. But that doesn't really help me know which path I am supposed to take. Once again I think God could accomplish a lot if He would just use email.

Is this part of Government Run Health Care?

2010-05-12T00:27:00.002-05:00

This article is appalling
I'm reminded of the account in Exodus of the king telling the Israelite midwives to kill the baby boys. In my opinion there isn't a huge stretch between what the king of Egypt did and what the president of Uzbekistan is doing.

I don't think there really is any debate about the inhumanity of forced sterilization. So the real question is posed in the title of this post: Is this part of Government Run Health Care? The article mentions that doctors are penalized if they are unable to convince two women a month into sterilization. I know under ObamaCare doctors are penalized for referring too many patients for specialized treatments and incentives are in place for essentially saving money. Well in the health care arena the way to save money is to deny testing or deny treatment or both. Do you want to see a doctor who gets a bonus if he doesn't do an expensive test? Or if he fails to mention an experimental treatment?
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about saving money! I'm more than happy to buy the generic crackers, ride coach in the airplane and buy clothes second hand. The difference is I get to decide when it's worth skimping to save a buck. Yeah I'm willing to buy the generic ritz crackers cause the taste the same, but the generic oreos just don't cut it and I'll pay full price because it's worth it to me. This is a simplistic example, but that's how I see the whole health care thing. If I have cancer shouldn't it be my right to decide what, if any, treatments I take? Shouldn't I have the right to know about any and all options, even the ones that would cost the moon? Shouldn't my years of hard work and money saving be able to buy me the health care that could save my life?
Oh I'm aware of the argument that the health care bill opens up these options for those who could otherwise not afford it. Yeah it sounds good, but in practice that's not the reality. The reality, as we've seen in other countries, is that there is only so much money to go around. To make that money stretch as much as possible procedures are denied, corners are cut and someone has to decide the worth of treating individuals. Who is it that gets to decide if grandma gets a lung transplant? It no longer will matter if she can raise the money, has good insurance or savings, it now is up to someone(s) who control the budget. How do you decide who gets saved and who doesn't?
Yes, I'd love it if every human being on the planet could afford to get the best health care available, that's not reality. That never will be reality. The best thing we can do is torte reform to bring the cost of medical care down to reasonable levels. Yes, the poor will still have a hard time getting good medical care, but do you really think that ObamaCare is going to give them good medical care? Ask all the Canadians that cross our borders for medical reasons.

a McKinsey and Co. report from 2008 found that a plurality of an estimated 60,000 to 85,000 medical tourists were traveling to the United States for the purpose of receiving in-patient medical care

Mother's Day Sequestering

2010-05-08T17:17:00.003-05:00

It's the day before Mother's day and I've been sequestered to my room so the kids can make construction paper cards for me. I suppose it's a good thing they want to make cards for me, it means I haven't totally screwed them up; right? I'll admit my kids don't always like me, but I'm not here to be their friend.
It's a mother's job to raise up adults. Adults that are capable of functioning in the world, of contributing to their society, and of raising up another generation of adults. When did we forget that children will not forever be children? That the temper tantrums we allow today will be the same one thrown tomorrow. Yeah it's cute how Suzie's bottom lip sticks out and quivers just a little, that same look isn't so cute on a 16yr, even less so on a 30yr. Why are parents so hesitant to tell their children no? or to allow them to struggle, suffer or stumble? How will they learn the stove is hot if they are never allowed within 10 feet of it? Shouldn't we be using these years to help them navigate the dangers of the world?
There are so many aweful things I wish I could hide my children away from forever but how would that help them? It's my job to give them a firm foundation of beliefs to stand on and then help them learn how to navigate the dangerous waters of this world. I can't do that if I never let them get in the pool. Yes, they may get a little water up their nose, they may cough and sputter a few times, they may even get a little scared, but that is how they learn. I'm right there to pull them out if need be, and I'll show them all the swim strokes and safe places, but I have to give them the opportunity or they'll never be able to swim. Then what? What if they never learn to swim? Someday they'll be out in the ocean and I won't be here to pull them out and the sharks and undertows are much more dangerous out there in the ocean than they are here in the pool.
I don't claim to be the perfect mother, I know I fail more often than not. I can only pray that as I stumble down this path of motherhood that in the end I have adults that are proud to call me mother and that they don't need too much therapy.

International Midwives Day

2010-05-05T15:08:00.002-05:00

the day of the Midwife has me thinking about what it is to be a midwife... For me, in a single sentence it is "To touch the hand of God on a regular basis." I've never felt more the presence of God than I do at a birth, even births of non-believers. So many times it feels as if His hand is right there, just on the other side of the perineum, cradling that baby as it is brought forth. As my hand reaches forth to catch the baby His lets go and our fingertips brush for just an instant. It's the most amazing thing in the world, and yet it happens a thousand times everyday. It is a miracle, that constantly occurs, an "everyday miracle".

I don't know why I have been called to be part of this miracle, but I'm grateful for it. Thank you Lord for blessing me with this work, for opening the doors for training, and thank you Janessa for putting up with me while I learn and being so willing to pass on the craft of being with woman. Thank you Nathan for supporting me and being the single father while I'm away so much, and thank you children for understanding that you are the most important thing to me, but in this moment I have work to do. Thank you to my friends and family for your support and faith in me. My prayer is that I will be able to rise to the calling the Lord has given me and someday be the trusted woman helping other women discover the miracle, strength and blessing in becoming a mother.

children are not accessories, they are responsibilities

2010-04-27T21:03:00.003-05:00

I heard Ina May Gaskin speak this weekend and one thing she said really stuck with me: "The feminist movement left mothers behind". The essence of this comment is that mothering wasn't good enough for the feminist movement and I think it's something that women in our society are still struggling with. I spoke with a wonderful young woman, a mother to one son, this weekend who said she struggles with "not contributing to the household". WHAT!?! not contributing?! A mother's contribution is so far beyond what is in the bank account. A mother touches the lives of her children forever. The contribution she makes goes beyond paying the mortgage or buying groceries it will affect the next several generations. Her sons will learn how to treat their wives, her daughters how to comfort a baby. Yes father's touch their children in very special ways, but it's a mother who typically spends the most time with the children. It is the mother who has the most opportunities to guide, influence and direct her children. This influence is immeasurable, and it's sadly lacking in our society.
I believe that the problems of our time can be boiled down to one deficit, mothers not mothering their children. The second major deficit would be society not valuing the job of mother. I would really like to know how the feminist movement got from securing votes for women (a very admirable and worthy cause) to women trying to be equal to men. Why do women want to be like men? Men can't create new life, they will never know the power that comes from birthing a child, and men can't nourish that child at their breast. Frankly men are seriously missing out, it should be them wanting to be more like women!
I wish every woman in our society could embrace the role of mother as the highest calling and support each other in the endeavor to stay home and truly mother our children.

Busy busy busy and We're home! and he's not a baby anymore

2010-03-12T14:56:00.009-06:00

It's been insanely busy. We had several births in the last few weeks, and of course with every birth is the 24hr visit and then the 1wk visit at their home... and well it's just a lot to do when you add in prenatals, school, eating, sleeping etc.

There have been some great births, the most memorable was a brand new young mom. They are a very sweet couple, both very young, early 20's and married as virgins. She's been very confident the whole pregnancy, no fear of labor, which was fantastic, but in reality she had no idea what to expect. When we arrived at the house she was working through the contractions, breathing, squatting and working hard, but she was only 2cm. It wasn't long before she got discouraged and overwhelmed. There was discussion about submitting to the contractions and not fighting with them. We all prayed for her and then left them alone for a couple of hours.

Not long after we returned there was a very noticeable transformation. Much like when a girl becomes a maiden, and a maiden becomes a bride, there is a point when the bride becomes a mother and in an instant you can see her mature, grow and at the same time submit, let go and sacrifice. I think labor is designed to make us good mothers, it's the first of many times we will hurt, and sacrifice for the sake of our child. This was so very evident in this mother, she changed in a moment, she gave in and allowed labor to consume her. You could see it wasn't easy but she was determined to do it; and she did it so very well. She quickly progressed and got into a squat, with her husband and mother in law beside her and her mother watching and taking pictures, she pushed out a beautiful baby boy. She was so strong, so amazing, so much a mother. I asked her if she felt like super woman, she said she didn't, but she sure looked like it.

And I have a home!!

My family is all moved into the RV! Well mostly, there are some things I'm waiting on to help me get organized and make sure everything has it's place. It's been good being in a small place, hard, but good. It's hard to find a place for everything and immensely important that everything have a specific place. In that regard it's been great, paring down and being selective about what's important. It takes no time at all to clean up and the kids are loving the woods. We got walkie- talkies so they could explore and Mom isn't worried they've broken a leg and are stuck in a ravine. The down side is the super small fridge, so grocery shopping is happening twice a week and the super small stove. Using my 12" cast iron skillet I can't use any of the other burners and the oven barely fits a cookie sheet, but I'm getting into a routine and it's getting easier.

And My baby turned one!

Last week Gavin turned 1, I can hardly believe it. He's walking everywhere, I missed the first steps; which kills my mommy heart. I think he particularly likes the RV because he can actually walk the width and length of it without falling down!

He's also eating everything in sight. This boy has quite the appetite, his favorites though are apples and bananas. (I like to eat, eat, eat, eapples and benenes lol) Though he wasn't terribly interested in his cake, I'm pretty sure he made the least amount of mess of all the kids, I think it's because it was lemon instead of chocolate (Dora requested a lemon cake).

His birthday made me stop and reflect on being a mother. When my oldest was little I loved it, but was sure that wasn't enough, I was certain I needed to "be more" you know chase a career, "have it all". Now that my 7th is one I wonder how I could have ever desired to do anything else! My children are amazing, this particular little guy warms my heart in an instant. When we wake up in the morning and he sees me he smiles; this sweet, warm smile that says "all is right with my world". How can the sight of me, little ol' imperfect-selfish-not-Donna-Reed me, bring such joy?! I don't know, but I'll take it! No matter how my day has gone, who I've disappointed, or what I've screwed up at the end of the day I'm still "mom" and I'm still loved. I can get a peanut butter smelling hug, a slobber laden kiss or just a sweet, innocent smile and it puts everything into perspective. I'm so glad my first name is Mom.

Time flies

2010-01-25T23:49:00.003-06:00

Beginning week 4.... today was another day of prenatals, another LONG day. It seems every week is a long day of back to back prenatals. Sometimes it's hard to be "on" all that time. What's really hard though is being the apprentice and keeping my mouth shut. Anyone who knows me knows I like to talk and that I have a pretty good knowledge base. Even Janessa has commented that I'm fairly knowledgeable. None the less these are her clients so regardless of what I know or what I think I know I really need to keep my mouth shut unless asked to comment. I don't always do well with this. I have a tendency to interrupt, or when I think a person is searching for a word I give it to them, but I do it a lot, so it's more like consistent, casual interruptions than anything helpful. I also have to really think about how I word things. Like today Joy asked if I thought this lump was head or butt, I felt it, felt at the pelvis and thought that it was probably butt. Well Janessa came over and felt and said that was head. My response "You think that's head?!" it sounded a bit condescending I think, or like I was questioning her findings rather than questioning what brought her to that conclusion. There is a way to ask why someone thinks something in a way that doesn't suggest they are wrong and I think I failed at asking that way.

On a personal note I've accomplished NOTHING the whole time I've been here! I've been pretty busy with Janessa and it seems I've had no time to do any of the things on my list. I had a huge list of projects like handouts on protein and GBS that I wanted to do and it seems I'm getting back to my hotel in time to eat and go to bed. I'm missing my kids and husband something awful! I feel like the tears are just waiting to spill over. I can't wait to see them!

Week One

2010-01-12T23:28:00.003-06:00

So it's been a week since I came to Arkansas. It's been good, but difficult. I feel like I'm running constantly. I've done two full days of prenatals, and this last Monday was FULL!! We weren't done until 8pm! I have one birth, which I caught!! wahoo! This was a mama that is known to go really fast, it was her fifth, and my hotel just happened to be really close to her. I managed to make it there with 10 minutes to spare! When I got there mama was in the tub and doing really well, hardly looked like she was in labor. It was just about 5 minutes after I got there that she started to grunt at the top of contractions. Baby had a a nuchal cord wrapped twice, one of those wraps was really tight. So tight that I actually thought it was baby chub, and the baby somersaulted out. Thankfully he screamed right away and was pink within the minute. It all went really well and Janessa was there before the placenta could deliver and mom was up and running around as soon as the placenta was out. You'd never guess she had just had a baby!

Last time on the babylady memoirs....

2010-01-09T00:05:00.002-06:00

okay so it's been a year and a half since I last posted, so lets recap....

I stopped posting essentially because the midwives I was working with had a loss. It was pretty traumatic and because it wasn't my birth or my client I didn't know how much I should post or how to handle it. The whole thing really shook me and the midwife I was with...

The pregnancy went well until the last trimester and then it got a little rough. Just hard to walk and generally painful but for the first time I didn't have any real preterm labor stuff!! I have a theory on that... Generally speaking once a woman has had preterm labor for an "unknown" reason she's likely to have it again in subsequent pregnancies. Some theorize that there is a slight bacterial infection. Well I've had preterm labor since my second child. After the birth of my first child I had an abnormal pap, they found abnormal cell growth on my cervix at my 6wk check up. I have always been pretty sure that those "abnormal cells" came from the hospital but anyway... so I had a DNC 4 months prior to this pregnancy, which really strips the entire surface of the uterus. I don't know, it could be a coincedence but I don't think so. I need to do more research, like the list isn't already a mile long! LOL

We decided to let CJ go live with his father in WI. It's been rough for me and his siblings, but all in all I think it's been good for him. He's been gone since last January.

So baby boy Gavin was born 3/10/09 on his sisters birthday. She was very happy to have him share her birthday. The birth went mostly well, he got a little stuck. There was a full minute (not too long, but longer than my others) between head and shoulders and I had to push with all my might to get his shoulders and the rest of his body out, as well as assume a funky one leg up one leg down lean to the right kinda position. He was also a little slow to start, but not enough to warrant anything more than a brisk rub down. We had a little problem nursing at first, but got his frenulum cut and was very careful how I latched him on and it went great from there.

I took what was supposed to be a break from the apprenticeship in Oct. I thought I'd return when the baby was about 6m but after some reflection I decided it just wasn't a good fit for me. I just don't think her teaching style works well with my learning style.
So now I'm working with a midwife in Arkansas. She was a friend's midwife, and that friend ended up training with her and a year and a half later is a CPM!

Nathan is home full time now, a huge blessing and what's allowing me to do this. We're all moving to Arkansas!! More on that later... So you're pretty much up to speed, not alot happens in my life I guess :)

News!

2008-07-16T12:52:00.001-05:00

The Great Sling GiveAway!

2008-07-03T13:26:00.002-05:00

Check out the contest at Along for the Ride
Win the Essential Babywearing Stash from Along for the Ride (one Beco Butterfly, one Hotsling baby pouch, one BabyHawk Mei Tai, one Zolowear Ring Sling, and one Gypsy Mama Wrap)

Am I broken?

2008-06-16T13:28:00.002-05:00

I'm just so sad right now. I'm worried my body isn't working right... I just finished up what would be the second cycle after the D&C, more technically the first since I'm not sure you can count the D&C as the start of a cycle but it did appear I ovulated... anyway I only had a 10 day luteal phase and a 25 day cycle! Normally I have a 13-15 day LP and a 30-32 day cycle. The miscarriage was most likely due to a lack of progestrone and that is also what will cause a short luteal phase (the luteal phase is the time between the release of the egg and the period, this is the time that if a baby is going to be made it will, 10 days is generally not enough time for an egg to implant)
I just don't understand why, all of a sudden, my body doesn't know what it's doing!?!? Will I struggle to get pregnant? Will I be able to carry a baby? What is going on?!? I just want to cry. I've never had a problem getting pregnant, I've had great pregnancies and wonderful births, is this all going to change for me?
Am I old? (33) is it the water? (constantly getting notices of it's problems)Have I had too many pregnancies? (nahhh!) What am I supposed to do?
I just don't know where to go from here. I desperately want to get pregnant, I'm dieing to have new life growing within me, a new baby at my breast... I suppose most don't understand this desire, especially from a woman that already has 6 children. But it's there and it's ever so strong, pulling at my heart, twisting up my gut, bringing forth the tears.
We don't have insurance so a simple little blood draw isn't all that simple, but I think that's where I want to start. Having my progesterone tested this cycle...

Student Midwife

2008-05-30T00:05:00.003-05:00

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever stop being a student midwife. The more I learn the more I realize I don't know.

I've decided to drop AAMI. I'm not happy with some of the ways Carla has handled things, but more importantly I'm not happy with the curriculum. It's a lot of busy work, things that I really don't think are needed, like writing a Childbirth education workbook for your clients. There are so many great books out there, I can see evaluating several and choosing one you would recommend but writing an entire one??!! Some of these authors have spent years doing that! Why reinvent the wheel. I also feel like the add-ons for the Philomath are not nearly worth what she's charging for them. I paid for the Great Start-4 and am disappointed with the AEU's. The fetoscope one asks for the four ways to hear heart tones and then gives you a chart to record them. Hardly what I would call educational. The 4 year study calendar is printed calendar pages, anybody could create one themselves, I was hoping for something with goal planning and such on it. I haven't requested the NARM study questions yet so I can't comment on those.

So on my preceptors recommendation I'm going through "Becoming a Midwife" by Carolyn Steiger. Much more realistic IMO and things that will actually be useful to my clients and my education. I started on the skills checklist and realized I really need to start using a fetoscope during prenatals. I also want to order a pinard horn. I'd love to find a beautiful hard wood one that was hand crafted, I'm such a sentimental.

I'm struggling with my preceptor. I feel like she's not wanting to call me for births, now maybe they've all just been fast lately, but I don't know... I'm sure it's my own insecurities. I need to talk to her about when she calls me. It seems she doesn't call until after she gets there and decides if I have enough time to make it. I'd rather she called when they called her, especially if they call and put her on alert. I just don't know how to bring it up, I'm so incredibly afraid of offending her, there are no other options for me here. Don't get me wrong, she's far from tyrannical and I agree with how she practices (mostly)so in the grand scheme of things she's great and I couldn't have found a better preceptor. I'm just not sure how to tell her I need more direct teaching and I want to see more births.

I don't feel like I'm learning anything new, but I also don't feel like I'm doing very well at perfecting my clinical skills. I think I've got blood pressure down, but I still struggle with hearing it over the movement of the tubes and such especially if mom is talking and moving her hand. I'm having difficulty with fundal height on many women, especially the fluffy, newly pregnant ones and I haven't memorized FHT chart so I'm always looking like a fool with that.

Gas is getting insane, and it's a 160 miles round trip for every clinic day and then where ever the birth is. I'm sure this has alot to do with why my preceptor doesn't call me, it seems a waste of gas to drive up there to miss a birth. I don't know what to do.

I can't believe I voted for this man/ DNA testing

2008-05-19T14:03:00.003-05:00

Bush Signs Bill To Take All Newborns’ DNA

Steve Watson
Infowars.net
Friday, May 2, 2008

President Bush last week signed into law a bill which will see the federal government begin to screen the DNA of all newborn babies in the U.S. within six months, a move critics have described as the first step towards the establishment of a national DNA database.

This actually has been going on for a number of years, though I've been unable to find out just how many, it varies by state. This bill just makes it legal.
The newborn DNA will be collected through the PKU screening offered by all 50 states. In many states it's "required". With a simple heel stick and enough blood to fill 5 tiny circles on a piece of paper the United States Government (and I suppose any peoples they deem worthy) will have a full index of your child's Genetic makeup. Beyond just their DNA they have all the identifying information to go with it, parents name, social security numbers etc. All they need for tracking anyone, anywhere.

The concerns I have are numerous! To begin with

Dec 13, 2007: This bill passed in the Senate by Unanimous Consent. A record of each representative's position was not kept.
Apr 8, 2008: This bill passed in the House of Representatives by voice vote. A record of each representative's position was not kept.

so we can't see how our Representatives voted on this, why should this be kept secret? I'm really interested to know how our presidential hopefuls voted! If anyone has information on this please comment!

Then there is

Establish a national list of genetic conditions for which newborns and children are to be tested.

This sounds benign at first glance, but could this lead to genetic testing for "conditions" that are merely race related? I'm thinking Hilter would have loved a genetic test to determine the "pure race"

Establish protocols for the linking and sharing of genetic test results nationwide.

Who exactly are we sharing this information with? And what are they going to do with it?

Build surveillance systems for tracking the health status and health outcomes of individuals diagnosed at birth with a genetic defect or trait.

Is this surveillance mandatory or voluntary? What happens if a parent chooses unconventional methods of treatment? Will the government intervene??

Use the newborn screening program as an opportunity for government agencies to identify, list, and study "secondary conditions" of individuals and their families.

So genetic testing of anything and everything they think would be interesting, without your consent!

I wonder if Bush would have signed this 4 years ago, when he was up for re-election? Given Bush's stance on stem cell research I would think he'd be a little less likely to endorse genetic testing. I guess you just never can tell, can ya'?

Ron Paul had this to say before the U.S. House of Representatives:

"I cannot support legislation, no matter how much I sympathize with the legislation’s stated goals, that exceed the Constitutional limitations on federal power or in any way threatens the liberty of the American people. Since S. 1858 violates the Constitution, and may have untended consequences that will weaken the American health care system and further erode medical privacy, I must oppose it.

S. 1858 gives the federal bureaucracy the authority to develop a model newborn screening program. Madame Speaker the federal government lacks both the constitutional authority and the competence to develop a newborn screening program adequate for a nation as large and diverse as the United States. …

Those of us in the medical profession should be particularly concerned about policies allowing government officials and state-favored interests to access our medical records without our consent … My review of S. 1858 indicates the drafters of the legislation made no effort to ensure these newborn screening programs do not violate the privacy rights of parents and children"

I'd like to point out that Hillary Clinton was a co-sponsor of this bill...

At what point do we stop? When do we as Americans stand up and say enough is enough!

I demand my privacy

I demand my freedom

I demand the right to raise my children as I see fit

I demand the right to spend my money as I see fit

I demand the ability to refuse government intervention

What are we doing? We're like sheep going to slaughter. We bury our heads in the sand and just assume that "they" have our best interest at heart. WAKE UP PEOPLE! Your grandma isn't an elected official, they don't all love and care for you and are just wanting to see you become the best person possible. They all have their own agendas and most of them include $$

Acceptance

2008-03-21T12:02:00.003-05:00

I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance. Yes, losing the baby still hurts but I'm not crying constantly and I have a sense of peace.
I went for an ultrasound Tuesday. It showed an endometrium layer of 10.1mm, normal is about 5mm and a pocket of fluid with tissue that measured about 5mm. So Wednesday I took 1000mg each of Black and Blue Cohosh and 2 cups of Pennyroyal tea. I fully expected some major cramping and heavy bleeding. Instead my cervix closed up and my bleeding halted! Who'd have thunk it?!

I got my charm today from My Forever Child. It made me cry, but in a good kinda of way. I miss the baby I never had but I'm okay with it. I know my child is with Jesus and never suffered any of Earth's great pain. I know that someday I'll see and hold my baby and I know that I will eventually have another baby I can hold.

I'm so greatful for friends and a dh that allowed me to greive, that expected me to grieve. No one ever said "it's probably for the best", no one ever thought it was "time to get over it". No, they just supported me, asked me how I was and what they could do and allowed me the space to do what I needed. I really appreciate that and I think it helped me greive and move on. I get depressed easily and this had great potential to debilitate me for months or longer, but it hasn't and now I think of my baby and get a little smile as I imagine what she/he may have been like.

My heart still aches for a baby I can hold, but it has for a long time now. I don't know that it ever won't ache, even when I'm old and grey and my womb has long closed down. I just love being pregnant and having babies, and now I'll get to hold one when I get to heaven.

I don't have any wonderful, profound words of wisdom on dealing with a miscarriage, just allow yourself to hurt, to cry, to love. Eventually the tears will run out, the love will overflow and the hurt will lessen.

Izzy

2008-03-17T14:11:00.005-05:00

I found out I was pregnant Feb 18th. I told my husband and children Feb 20th... I went to my husbands office with a very good friend and we blew up 30 or so balloons and a giant 40" #7. On the wall we hung paper cutout that spelled BABY, a sign with a "Congratulations" and crepe paper streamer of rattles. He got to the office and thought someone had used it for a party or something. I don't think it took him long though to put all the pieces together.
That afternoon the statue I sent to the kids came. I bought the Willow Tree Angel of Mine figure I had it mailed to them from "God". CJ got it pretty quick and they were all so happy. Of course all of them expressed hope in having a girl.

On March 6th, after a long hard hospital transfer, I started spotting, dark brown and only there when I wiped. I went through all I knew and called M for reassurance. She told me it could very well be from spending 10+ hours on my feet on hard concrete hospital floors. Friday I was still spotting and it was getting heavier. I decided to go in for a blood draw, my HCG was 656, normal for this stage of pregnancy is a minimum of 1056. Saturday morning I started to bleed heavy and have some cramping. I had been planning a shopping trip with D for sometime for her birthday so I got to try to suck it up and deal with miscarrying while shopping in Dallas and trying to have a good time with my daughter. I think I did pretty good. Of course I cried a ton Friday night after I got the numbers and I think that helped.

Tuesday is prenatal clinic. I've never had such a hard day. It was so emotionally draining to try to smile and be my usual chipper self while measuring bellies and listening to heart tones. We had one woman who is 11 weeks and we couldn't find heart tones. It's not unusual to not be able to hear them at this point in pregnancy, but it was heart wrenching for me. I cried the whole drive home.

We told the kids last night. I don't think they completely get it, but at least it's out.

I'm still spotting and trying to figure out when I should get concerned. I'm also still getting positive pregnancy tests. I really just want this to be over so I can move on.

I decided to call the baby Izzy, since I don't know the gender, it would be for Isabelle or Isaac.
I ordered this charm from www.myforeverchild.com
and found this great poem on that site as well

Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

Births Update

2008-03-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

This is going to be long, you've been warned!

I only got called to two January births...

A, young, first baby, lives an equal distance from me as she does from Margarett, so when she suspected labor I (the lackey) got called to see how she was doing. (In M's defense she thought I was closer) I get there and she tells me her water broke. She's working through contractions, seemingly difficult ones, so after a bit I checked her, she's a fingertip and not at all effaced and baby is still floating very high. I suggest she try Benaydral to get some sleep, she opted for Valarian root capsules. I left about an hour later with her and her hubby sleeping. The next day Anne and I go out there after clinic and find that she's still contracting pretty hard, but she's not making any progress. After verifying that her water was broke the decision was made that she should go to the hospital, OU was chosen after her doctor told her that he'd section her right away if she came to the local hospital. Anne went with her to the hospital and I went home. She got Pit. and IV antibiotics and had a healthy baby boy on her hands and knees the next afternoon.

J, also young, also first baby. We barely made it to J's birth and I love to tell the reason why! She called Margarett when labor started but assured her she wasn't needed yet. M talked to her a couple of times and each time J said she didn't need her yet. Well after we got there and Anne caught the baby 5 mins after we walked in the door, we asked J why she didn't call \us to come sooner and she said "I kept waiting for it to get horrible" Oh how I love that!! She had heard such horror stories that she thought for sure labor couldn't be as easy as it was for her. She had a healthy boy, at home, on the birth stool. She had a small tear that we decided to just leave alone.

February....

M, another young first time mom birthing at the center showed up a 3 with a whole entourage. We fully expected her to take all night so I brought with me a whole host of things to do. Well M apparently is more comfortable with her family than we expected and went from 4 to 8 in an hour! She spent about an hour on the birth stool but she was just beautiful. It all went really well and she had a gorgeous baby girl.

S, second baby, they chose to not find out gender She labored so beautifully! She came to the center a little early, but they wanted to settle in and get comfy. I got called around 5am. She labored slow but handled it beautifully. She would sway and breathe with each contraction and laugh and chat between them. She really was having a good time and though it took about 12 hours it was wonderful. She labored in the pool for a bit and just stretched out and laid there like she was on a tropical vacation. Then her water broke and with it came a small trickle of blood. Almost immediately she felt a very strong urge to push, she came up out of the water and we sat her on the birth stool. Heart tones were irregular and slow. She pushed hard for two or three pushes and out came her baby girl, very bloody, a little limp but all in all well. Then the blood started. It just poured out of her, like she was peeing it into the bag under the stool. I threw pads on the bed and Anne told her we needed her to lay down *NOW*. She didn't think anything was wrong and never felt light headed or anything. 3 droppers of Shepard's purse later and lots of fundal massage and she finally slowed to a reasonable amount. Within an hour her bleeding was nearly non existent.

March so far...
Marie, another young first time mom, she was very excited and optimistic about a homebirth. She called Margarett early Tues morning as contractions had started. We talked to her again around 11:30 when her water broke and there was meconium in it. We headed out right away, got there and she's a 1 with light to moderate mec. We encouraged her to get some sleep, she was obviously exhausted and having a hard time. We left to find a pool and took our time, hoping she would get a couple hours of sleep. When we got back around 3 she was still a 1, baby was still high, still a good bit of mec and heart tones were flat. By 4 we had made the decision to transfer. Baby's heart tones just were not responding and it just didn't feel good. So we went to OU where they essentially did nothing for 7hrs!! I stayed with her through the night. They didn't want to give her pitocin because of baby's heart tones, even though she was making very little progress (she dilated to a 3 by 11:30, 24hrs after her water broke) she desperately wanted and epidural as she couldn't sleep and couldn't deal with being in bed and not making any progress. They didn't want to give her an epidural for fear that her contractions would peter out. So she laid there and beg for pain relief they wouldn't give her and cried about the little progress she was making. It was heart wrenching, I felt so bad for her and helped her through the contractions as best I could. They finally gave her an epidural at 8am and I left at 9 since she was sound asleep and I needed some rest myself.
At 11:30 she called, they had decided to do a c-section. Baby's heart tones never got better, neither did the mec. There are so many things I think this hospital should have done that they didn't. I love that it is generally a non-interventive hospital, but in this case, intervention was exactly what we needed. I'm glad she had a healthy baby girl and in the end everything worked out for her.

The Big New Years date

2008-01-27T00:54:00.000-06:00

okay, so I left off saying I'd post about our new years date...

As you can imagine with six kids getting a night out with my husband is a rarity. Compounded by the fact that we have no family in the area and I couldn't possibly impose 6 kids on friends who only have 3. So we have not been out on a date for 2 years! yes that's right folks two whole years. So, we thought we'd take advantage of the fact that my in-laws were coming to town and we had to be in Dallas the following day to pick up my oldest from the airport.

What a fabulous night!! We stayed at the Raddison DFW South the room was huge, with a seating area and king size bed. Clean and quite and well we'll just leav it at that ;)
Dinner was at the the Palomino and I have to say I've never had such a perfect restaurant outing. The service was friendly and personal. The food was outstanding! Nathan had a sirloin that was topped with this fantastic herb butter, it was delicious. I had a fillet mignon on a Gorgonzola cheese bed, even cooked to a medium well it just melted in your mouth, beautifully seasoned, juicy and cooked to perfection. Dessert was the kicker, we ordered a lave cake, it was so much more than the lava cakes I've had elsewhere. This was truly fudgy in the middle, not just filled with a sauce and it came with a plate of sides, vanilla bean ice cream, strawberries, and espresso sauce, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. It was by far the best dinner I've ever had and I would strongly recommend this place!!
After dinner we walked around the downtown area, tried on cowboy hats, bought salt water taffy and enjoyed the people watching. Then we headed over to the Comedy Sportz club. This place is very similar in style to "Who's Line is it Anyway" but much cleaner. It was really funny and we had a fabulous time. It certainly is family friendly as they bill it to be. It was so nice to get away and not have to worry about the kids or pregnant mamas. We're looking at when we could possibly plan the next get away! Anyone wanna babysit?

The holidaze

2008-01-06T20:01:00.001-06:00

Whew! Glad that's over!
December is usually pretty busy for me, I tend to make it that way, but adding in the apprenticeship and busy soon escalates to crazy.

I decided I wanted the bathroom re-tiled before my in-laws came for Christmas on the 2nd, and of course putting in new tile means new paint! Our bathroom before was wallpapered in a stripe with navy, forest green, cranberry and white. It looked nicer than it sounds, the counter is cranberry and the tile is gray marble. The tile was never sealed and I wasn't aware that was necessary so after 4yrs with 4 boys using it daily you can imagine what it looked like, much less the lingering odor that never seemed to wash away.

I found a warm clay colored tile with hints of burnt sienna and pumpkin in it. I went with a pumpkin color for the walls and it looks totally different, very warm. But painting with 6 kids in the house is near impossible much less trying to do tile so the tile isn't finished. In fact the toilet was re-installed a mere 15 min before my husbands parents and sister arrived! Talk about pressure!

Heaven sent had 3 ladies due in December, one went early in late November and one went Christmas eve and one Christmas Day! Margarett, bless her heart, didn't call me for the Christmas birth as I would have just pulled in my drive when she got called and it was 3.5 hrs from me so I probably wouldn't have made it anyway and I would have been dog tired when I got there. I also had one doula client who was planning a hospital birth in Lawton.

Our Christmas eve baby went well.... S was planning a center birth, so when she called thinking this was the real deal Margarett called me right away, around noon. Margarett was trying to help Anne clean and move so she was already tired and I hope, glad she had an apprentice to labor sit. I got there just before S, when she got in she was a 3 maybe a 4. Not terribly encouraging to a mama who was ready to be done four weeks ago, but she was sure this was it and she wanted to stay. I stayed with her while Margarett went back to try to get Anne's house livable in time for Christmas. S had her sister and a good friend with her. She was in good spirits for most of the labor, laughing and telling jokes between contractions. They watched movies and talked and I got a ton of cleaning done. S spent some time on the birth ball and then the tub. She asked me to check her and I thought she was a 5 but still pretty high, I don't think Margarett or Anne was very happy with me doing that, but she just seemed to really need assurance that she was indeed getting somewhere.
She walked around, rocked on the ball some more and then threw up, that's when things changed. She got a little more serious and started to concentrate more on the contractions. And she found her rhythm and ritual. With each contraction she would lean on the ball, put her head down and sway her hips. She was quiet during the contractions though she complained between them. It was a little like Jekyll and Hyde. During her contractions she seemed so peaceful and serene, as if she was enjoying them. Between contractions she complained about how uncomfortable she was and how long this was taking. I think she just wanted to be done and holding her baby. Well it wasn't much longer and she was. She got back in the tub for awhile and when Margarett got there she got out and got on the bed within an hour her 10lb baby boy was born. I stayed at the center until they left, and cleaned up the laundry and trash and headed home.

Dec 22nd my doula client tried a natural induction, she chose to take some herbs and homepathic and I applied some acupressure... nothing happened. I went home and checked on her periodically over the next couple of days. So on her due date, because no one ever goes on their due date, the husband and I decided to take the kids to the Omniplex and the OKC Downtown festivities. We took two vehicles just in case, and it's a good thing we did. Towards the end of the evening, right after we got hot cocoa to warm us up before going home, A called, B's husband, to let me know they had gone to the hospital to get checked and she was about a 4 but they seemed to have forgotten about them. B was really struggling with the contractions so A got a speed class in Doula 101. He did great!! He helped her to relax and let go and by the time I got there (2hours after their call) she was doing really well, a little too well some might say. When I got to the floor and asked for her the nurse seemed confused, apparently they really had forgot about her, even though at last check she was 5cm they never admitted her, so she was in their "receiving" room, a large room with three beds separated by curtains and one bathroom. I got in the room and B was laying in bed, fairly well relaxed for a first time mom giving birth in a hospital. She would chant "open, open" during contractions, earlier on the phone, she was saying "ow ow ow" with each one I suggested A start saying open and suggest her to do it as well as it's a much more positive thought than ow. She would curl her toes and squeeze the sheet but otherwise was doing okay, I tried to help her relax through two contractions and then she needed to use the bathroom. Once there she had a ton of bloody show and lost a large amount of mucous, I thought "great, this show is really on the road!" We worked through about 5 contractions coming about 4mins apart and lasting just under a minute when she started to grunt. I thought it was way to early to start grunting, I mean she's a first time mom and has been laboring actively for only about 2 hours. She said it was burning and I kept watching her vagina, looking to see the swelling that usually accompanies the burning, there was none but she kept grunting. We talked about pushing against an incomplete cervix and I had her pant with her head back to try to keep from pushing, when I seen her belly bear down even though her chin was up I asked if she wanted me to check her. Sure enough there was a head, less than an inch inside the vagina. I sent her husband to the nurses station to tell them we needed a real room now. -I struggled for just a moment with whether or not I should have her moved and alert the staff. I knew that 10 more minutes of sitting on the pot and she'd have a baby in her arms, no risk of epsiotomy, no policies to argue, just a healthy baby and mama. The reasonable, responsible person won out.- The nurses dashed in as A had told them she was crowning. The first nurse in couldn't check her on the toilet and wanted her to lay down on a sheet on the floor! I convinced her that she could check her standing up and she agreed, we needed to move her now! They put her in a wheel chair and we raced down the hall to a room. The nurse said she had an anterior lip, I don't think that's possible with how far down the canal the head was, but who am I to argue. We panted through about 4 more contractions and then she was given the go ahead to push. I think it was about 4 good pushes later and we had a 6.14lb baby girl.
There was an argument over an IV (yes less than 10min till baby and they wanted to start a bag of water), the doctor cut the cord and suctioned before giving the baby to mom then proceeded to pull the placenta out and do a bi-manual exam. I think she'll consider a homebirth for the next one.

Wow this got really long so I'll tell you about the long awaited new year's date in another post.

The test continues....

2007-12-01T21:53:00.000-06:00

Friday was apparently a continuation of our earlier testing of my husband and the midwifery lifestyle...

My husband manages the developer team for his company, it's a small team and we decided that we would very much like to show our appreciation for the great work they do and the friendships that he has there. So I planned a delicious Christmas luncheon party, I had a full menu, ham, twice baked potatoes, spinach salad, homemade rolls.... the works, even a fabulously creamy, rich pumpkin cheese cake. I had purchased these beautiful plates with a very artistic reindeer on them, decorated in plum, evergreen and gold. I had plum napkins, gold colored flatware, I made beautiful centerpieces, I fully expected this to be "an affair to remember"....

I got up at 7am Friday morning so I could get the ham in the roaster and the rolls started after staying up until 2:30 to get the cheesecake finished. Margarett called at 8:11 am. She has her own ring tone so I knew from across the house who it was. My heart sank and lept at the same time. I knew she would only have been calling at that time of day if someone was in labor, but I also knew that meant my party was down the drain. I hesitantly answered the phone, hoping against hope that she just wanted to chat, but no, C was in labor.

I called to my husband, who was trying to find clothes for the kids, with a slight smile and a lilt to my head and sheepishly told him "I need to go to a birth." He asked what I thought we should do about the party, we couldn't really re-schedule because of projects his developers would be doing taking them away from the office, so it was kind of a now or never deal. I told him I thought he could handle it, I was of course lying through my teeth, but that's okay, it's what he need to hear! I started running through the list of finale preparation (thankfully I had precooked much of the meal) listing off dishes he would need for serving, where he would find serving utensils, how the table should look, I could see his mind trying to juggle all the information and make sense of the foreign language I was speaking to him. I assured him he could call me if he need me.

I ran out the door at 8:43, I had a two and a half hour drive ahead of me, I partially hoped that Maragarett would call around Chickasha and tell me I missed it not to bother, I could at least then make the party and ensure that it was as spectacular as I had planned. She didn't call, so I called Nathan to see how things were going. He was late getting the kids to the babysitter and sounded like he'd been put through the ringer. He was trying to keep the delicate dance I had started going, getting all the food timed right so nothing was sitting cold and nothing got forgotten. Considering he'd never done this before he was doing pretty good.

I walked in the door of C's house at 10:50 and found her on the birth stool, Margarett perched in front of her like a child waiting for the gumball to drop from the machine she has just put a quarter in. Anne was to her right not quite as enraptured by what was going on as Margarett seemed to be. They both smiled and I sat down on Margarett's left.

At this point I’m not sure how long C had been laboring or how long she’d been pushing. She sat on the birth stool at the foot of her bed, her head lopped from side to side as it laid against her husbands chest, she breathed heavy and was obviously exhausted. Her husband D sat directly behind her, his eyes shined bright, he was tired but the excitement just beamed from him. You would think he was the little boy getting the Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas.

We went on like this for nearly two hours. We tried flexing her hips which required Anne and I to act as stirrups. Oh let me tell you that was fun! At one point I had C’s foot high up on my shoulder with her mother in law standing behind me to keep me from toppling over! C had amazing strength, when she switched positions so one leg was higher than the other and her foot was resting on my thigh I thought for sure the pressure would cause my skin to just release and her foot to go straight through to the floor. Anne and I held feet and thighs, whispered and shouted words of encouragement. Margarett tried to help her understand just where and how to push, her Mother prayed over her through each contraction, C humpfed, yelled and moaned. It was anything but a quiet serene birth. Baby Boy J slowly emerged from his mother’s womb starting at 12:42, it took a full minute (maybe two) to get the whole body out. J is a chubby little boy weighing in at 8lbs 12oz, he has the biggest cheeks and square shoulders, it’s no wonder C had such a hard time pushing him out.

I managed to call my husband, he had tried to call twice while I was assisting. He pulled it off! They were eating when I called, of course the table cloth, glitter, center pieces and beautiful arrangements didn’t happen but they all enjoyed great food and lovely conversation and Nathan saved a piece of Pumpkin Cheese Cake for me.

It wasn’t a long labor by any means, just inconvenient timing, something that is a reality of the midwife. Sacrifices have to be made by the whole family and in this case sacrifices (though small and in reality unknown) were made by my husbands staff. It made me think how many times will I have to cancel a dinner engagement at the last minute, or how many weddings I may have to dash out of? The life of a midwife is unpredictable, and unstable, I’m already finding myself telling friends “I’ll be there if no one is in labor”

Teaching Gender Bending in schools??!!

2007-11-28T11:53:00.001-06:00

World Net Daily
This just blows my mind! What exactly do these schools think they are accomplishing by promoting cross-dressing? How can this be at all beneficial for the kids? I just don't understand... I'm glad to see an outraged response from parents but something more public would have been good.

Thanks Jan

2007-11-21T23:41:00.000-06:00

One Birth, One Woman at a Time I was reading this article, it's one I chose to comment on for my studies with AAMI I was inspired, Jan is such a wise woman, full of inspiration and support. This article is a wonderful reminder of why we do what we do. I’ve recently had a string of “bad” births, epidural and vacuum assist, 2 c-sections, and my preceptor had to call child protective services on a mother who refused to take her failure to thrive baby into the hospital. With all this I sat back and wondered what am I doing? What’s the point? But as Jan pointed out, I have changed people’s lives, even these women who had less than ideal circumstances, their lives, their ideas about birth were changed. Their family’s ideas were changed and I even think I made an impression on a nurse or two.
It’s hard to keep going when you feel like you’re stumbling along. But I look up from the dirt I’ve fallen into and I see the light in a woman’s eyes who sees something new, who has hope for something better and I have strength to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with my work. This is the work God has for me, I often feel like He’s trusted me with too much, I can’t possibly live up to it, and then I’m reminded I don’t have to do it alone, I have all my sisters in birth working along side me. Together we can create a better world for the motherbaby dyad.

What am I doing here anyway?

2007-11-14T16:53:00.000-06:00

I got a call Wednesday about noon, my client was on her way to the hospital. She'd been contracting most of the night, though no recognizable patterns and she felt she wanted to be checked, her water broke just before she called me. I met her at Comanche County around 1:30. They had been checked in, she had her hep lock and had been checked. She was 5cm and 100% effaced. I really expected this to go pretty quick. Her doctor was sick so we were left with the back up, Dr Leep, who's bedside manor is equivalent to a drill sergeant at boot camp. She made no requests or suggestions, but demands and expectations. She let my client know right away that she was on a clock and she needed to get going on having the baby or she would be sectioned.

We walked, squatted and climbed stairs the next several hours through many contractions. S did a fantastic job, I was so impressed with how well she worked through each contraction, never really anticipating the next or getting ahead of herself. She did great. So when the nurse announced her complete at 10:30 I thought "great!! we'll have a baby in no time". Around 11:00 the nurse found some late decels and suggested more active pushing. S pushed for 2 hours when Dr Leep came in and said she was 6cm! I find this so hard to believe, I mean the nurse had her fingers in there directing her where to push, how could she not have felt her swell?? The Dr suggested an epidural and pitocin. S had asked for pitocin, hoping that it would pick her contractions up and give her more to push with. She tried the pitocin without the epidural and she just couldn't not push. She was tired, had been laboring for 24 or more hours and I think the mental blow of backing up to 6cm was more than she could take, she requested a c-section.

A healthy baby girl was born at 5:02 am Thursday November 8th at 41wks 1day weighing 6lb 14oz.

I cried when I went to get the nurse after S asked for the section. I feel like I somehow failed them, like I didn't provide them with enough support, or something. I wondered why I am doing this. My goal has always been to provide women with the knowledge they need to make decisions, to support families through the process of labor and to change the perceptions and status quo of labor and birth. I don't feel like I'm making any change, in fact I feel like maybe I'm making things worse. How can I affect change when my moms keep getting all these interventions? What am I doing here anyway?

This is a test........ a test of the midwife family system

2007-11-02T13:43:00.000-05:00

It all started Tuesday morning around 2:00 am (yes I was still awake) when I discovered my 3yr had a fever, about 102. I went back to bed and got up around 7:15, I needed to leave by 8 to get to clinic in time. Shortly before leaving I realized my 5yr was also running a fever. I looked at my husband and said "sorry", he smiled and assured me it would be fine.
Clinic went well, everyone was running a bit early. Around, 4:00 D called and said she was having contractions 3 mins apart. I thought this was great! I wouldn't have to make the drive back up, how convenient. Well, D was only a 2 but convinced something was going on, they went to walk the mall and I went to get some errands ran. Around 10 they decided not much was going on and they were going to go home. I decided I was tired and had some work I needed to catch up on, so rather than make the drive down I'd just stay the night at the center. I got to bed around 1am and even though my alarm went off at 8 I didn't get up till 10. By the time I got cleaned up and food I needed to head down to Lawton for my doula client. I was to go with her to meet her doctor and discuss induction. Her appointment ended up being 2 hours because the doctor wanted a stress test done. Half way through her appointment Margarrett called to let me know D's water broke. So after I finished with my client I called home and asked my husband if he was sure that midwifery was the path I as supposed to be on. LOL After letting him know I would be in the city most of the night he told me to have fun. He also informed me that all six of the kids were now sick and he was too.
I get up to the birth center just a few minutes before D & K. They get in and get settled and I could tell we were in for a long night. D says her contractions are really close and really intense but after talking with her for 20 mins. I didn't notice a single contraction. I called Anne to let her know they were here and she asked to call if anything changed but otherwise she'd be there in a bit, (she really wanted to take her kids trick or treating)An hour or so later D mentions a slightly green discharge, she's still not having contractions. Her pressure was up slightly and she was spilling a tad of protein. I called Anne to update her and she got there about an hour later. D had fresh mec and still no contractions. We discussed options and choose to go with herbal and homeopathic inducers, monitor the baby (who had great tones), the mec and mom's temp. Everything went great and we eventually got a good labor pattern established. A tiny baby boy was born at 2:49 am. Much earlier than I anticipated! His actual birth was amazingly quick, there was a silver dollar amount of head visible and I was trying to give Anne gel for perineum support when all of a sudden there was baby! He literally just flew out!

Baby had some retractions and some grunting, Anne gave him oxygen (though his color was great) and it reduced considerably in the next hour.(For more info on this look up Transient Tachypnea of the Newborn). Mom also seemed to have a little trouble, she was getting big clots that she was having trouble expelling and it was really hurting her back. When we finally got her up she was light headed and felt faint in the bathroom. Amazingly she only had two little tears.

Baby boy weighed in at 5lbs exactly, he had a few markers of being post dates and few of being early. He looked premature and had very little fat on him, but mom had spent her whole pregnancy vomiting so it's not entirely surprising.

Everyone left around 6 and I went to bed, fitfully sleeping till 11ish. I woke up nauseous, I think Anne's kids may have passed on their virus. So after, showering getting food, cleaning up and running to the store for things we needed at home I got back to the house Thursday evening about 6pm. I went to bed at 7 and got up Friday at noon. The house wasn't even much of a mess and the kids were all still alive. So I guess we (as a family) can do this. If they can get along fine with everyone being sick and mom gone for 3 days in a row, I think we passed the test.

My first birth as an apprentice

2007-10-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

can you say "perma-grin"?!
It was a very fast labor. Anne called around 8:30 to tell me K had called and she was going to check on her. So I got my bagged packed, she called back at 9:10 and I was out the door by 9:25. When I arrived K was crowning!! I walked into a whirlwind of excitement, it was great! Baby Girl K was born at 10:48 (about 5 mins after I got there)weight 9lbs even! Her previous c-section was for Cephalo-pelvic disproportion HA! 14.25" head, 15" chest!! This mama's body ROCKS!! and she was beaming!
It's so great to be a part of that!!

Ruby Lead Lips

2007-10-13T22:27:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, not that long ago, women applied lead laced powder to their faces and necks to give them a pale complexion. At the time we didn't know the dangers of lead and many women died very young from lead poisoning as a result. But two hundred years later we know better, right?? Scientists far and wide agree on the dangers of lead, the FDA has regulated that food products can not contain more than .1 ppm lead to keep children safe from lead poisoning, the health department regularly screens for lead poisoning and you can even get government assistance to have lead paint and pipes replaced in your home. So everyone agree lead is dangerous. Well, apparently everyone but Dior Addict, L'Oreal, and Cover Girl.

In a recent study put out by the Environmental Working Group 61% of the 33 brands of red lipstick they tested for lead contained detectable levels of lead, with levels ranging from 0.03 to 0.65 ppm. None of these lipsticks listed lead as an ingredient. One-third of the tested lipsticks exceeded the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's 0.1 ppm limit for lead in candy.(Sidenote: the FDA does not regulate cosmetics)
Among the top brands testing positive for lead were:
-L'Oreal Colour Riche "True Red" – 0.65 ppm
-L'Oreal Colour Riche "Classic Wine" – 0.58 ppm
-Cover Girl Incredifull Lipcolor "Maximum Red" – 0.56 ppm
-Dior Addict "Positive Red" – 0.21 ppm

Lead is a proven neurotoxin, it causes brain damage that can present as learning, language and behavioral problems, lowered IQ, and increased aggression. Pregnant women need to be especially careful, as lead pass the placenta barrier and can be extremely damaging for a developing baby. Lead has also been linked to infertility and miscarriage.

"Lead builds up in the body over time and lead-containing lipstick applied several times a day, every day, can add up to significant exposure levels. The latest studies show there is no safe level of lead exposure," said Mark Mitchell, M.D., MPH, president, Connecticut Coalition for Environmental Justice.

Glamour magazine’s June 2002 “Beauty Quickie Tip” repeats a commonly quoted statistic, “Women inadvertently (but harmlessly) eat about 4 lbs of lipstick”
in a lifetime.Science shows that no level of lead is “harmless.”

So while everyone is up in arms over the toys from China and their lead content, who is crying FOUL to the cosmetic industry with their MADE IN THE USA lead products??!!

The symptoms of lead poisoning may include:

* Irritability
* Aggressive behavior
* Low appetite and energy
* Difficulty sleeping
* Headaches
* Reduced sensations
* Loss of previous developmental skills (in young children)
* Anemia
* Constipation
* Abdominal pain and cramping (usually the first sign of a high, toxic dose of lead poison)
* Very high levels may cause vomiting, staggering gait, muscle weakness, seizures, or coma

post script: I looked through the complete list of companies with lead in their lipstick and I was flabbergasted to see Burts Bees in their report, this company touts it's self as 99% natural. Their website says this "To us, achieving The Greater Good means creating a world where people have the information and tools they need to make the highest ethical choices and do the best for themselves, their family and the environment. That's no short order, but it is attainable. We've started with a strong and on-going commitment to a set values and activities that support the well-being of people and our planet."
There will likely be more on this later as I investigate them being bought by AEA investors....
if you're as pissed about this as I am write to
John Replogle
633 Davis Drive 600
Morrisville, NC 27560-6884

Po Box 13489
Durham, NC 27709-3489

(919) 998-5200

If you can find an email address for John Replogle President & CEO, Tony Quartararo Executive VP of Operations or Jesus Osuna Director of Manufacturing I would appreciate a heads up.
Get the full PDF report at A Poison Kiss

I serve an Awesome God!!

2007-10-04T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm just ready to burst today! It's all hit me, just how Gracious my God is. I was so worried when we moved here that I would never find a preceptor, or a good friend. God has blessed me with both. My friend is the sweetest, we're both busy and it's hard to get together, but I know she genuinely cares about me and is excited for me. My preceptor is great, we think a lot alike and get along well. I'm glad I don't have to worry about "unlearning" anything.

God has provided my husband with a fantastic job, fabulous people, and they are so flexible and understanding.

And last, but certainly not least, God has given me resources to deal with the PPD/thyroid issues... yes, I'm taking an herbal med for it, but I was at a lost, I didn't know what to do and God brought the help I needed. I'm amazed at how "normal" I'm feeling now.

I've been near tears a couple times today at just how gracious God has been to me, a loving, supportive husband, good friends, good health, and now my dreams coming true! He has truly lifted me out of the ashes and blessed me beyond belief!

First day jitters

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

It was almost like the first day of school. That anxious, worry, dread feeling. You know what I'm talking about, you're so excited and anxious to get started you could pee yourself, but at the same time you're so worried you're going to look like a fool and say something stupid you could vomit.

I have a tendency to dominate conversations and say too much. Offer my opinion when no body asked for it and interject when I really need to keep quite; so my prayer the whole hour and a half drive was that I would keep my mouth shut! I think I did pretty well.

I got there a few minutes late and M was already with a client. I walked in and she introduced me and handed me a chart! Thankfully their prenatal charts are pretty straight forward and it wasn't too hard to figure out what went where.

I got to meet some neat ladies who hopefully I'll be able to be at their birth and I got to talk to M a bunch. She's so sweet and she loves to talk!! I'm so incredibly greatful for this opportunity, I was crying like a pageant winner this afternoon as I realized how long I've been waiting for this and that it is FINALLY HAPPENING!!!!!!!! It's a little overwhelming, to think that I'm finally doing something actually productive towards my goal of midwife. I'm just so happy!!

It's happening... or... plans change

2007-10-01T15:51:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my first day as an apprentice!!
I am so excited I could scream! I'll be working with Magarett Scott and Anne Coffee at Heaven Sent Births in OKC. They seem to embody the hands off-mother's choice approach I want to follow.

This is an obvious deviation from my previous plan of doing it all through MLL. Nathan just doesn't think it's a realistic endeavor for us to move for a year. I see his concerns and at his suggestion talked to Anne and Magarett about apprenticeship.

I'm so nervous. First, I have this thing about what I really want being taken from me, secondly I'm so afraid of looking stupid! I know I have a lot to learn, but it's always been hard for me to admit my short comings. I hope they don't think I'm a crazy nit wit!

Oh my gosh, what do I wear?? lol ;)

Gardisal... again

2007-09-20T23:49:00.000-05:00

Life Site
Life site is reporting on the Gardisal push into Canada, they have more stats on the adverse reactions and deaths, but I've gone over that and try not to repeat myself.

So what about this article has piqued my interest you ask?

A competing HPV vaccine, Glaxo Smith Kline's Cervarix, is set to hit the market in January 2008. As more children are vaccinated with Gardasil, fewer will be able to later receive the necessary repeat boosters of a competing, incompatible vaccine.

So wait a minute... incompatible vaccine What happens if you get a booster with this incompatible vaccine? I mean we're already seeing severe adverse reactions and deaths what's going to happen to these girls in 5yrs if they accidentally get a booster of the incompatible vaccine

Why do parents allow their children to be subjects in a science experiment?

Get outside if you're planning to get pregnat!

2007-09-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

A recent study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism showed a link between low serum levels of Vit.D early in pregnancy and an increase in the risk of having toxemia later in the pregnancy.

"Low vitamin D early in pregnancy was associated with a five-fold increase in the odds of preeclampsia," said Dr. Bodnar, who also is an assistant investigator at the university-affiliated Magee-Womens Research Institute (MWRI). "Data showed this increase risk persisted even after adjusting for other known risk factors such as race, ethnicity and pre-pregnancy body weight. Also troubling was the fact that many of the women reported taking prenatal vitamins, which typically contain 200 to 400 International Units of vitamin D," she said.

It's interesting to note that these women were taking prenatal vitamins with vitamin D in them, however the study doesn't mention how much time these women spent outside. From wikipedia

Vitamin D2 is derived from fungal and plant sources, and is not produced by the human body. Vitamin D3 is derived from animal sources and is made in the skin when 7-dehydrocholesterol reacts with UVB ultraviolet light at wavelengths between 270–290 nm. These wavelengths are present in sunlight at sea level when the sun is more than 45° above the horizon, or when the UV index is greater than 3. At this solar elevation, which occurs daily within the tropics, daily during the spring and summer seasons in temperate regions, and almost never within the arctic circles, adequate amounts of vitamin D3 can be made in the skin only after ten to fifteen minutes of sun exposure at least two times per week to the face, arms, hands, or back without sunscreen. With longer exposure to UVB rays, an equilibrium is achieved in the skin, and the vitamin simply degrades as fast as it is generated.

In most mammals, including humans, D3 is more effective than D2 at increasing the levels of vitamin D hormone in circulation; D3 is at least 3-fold, and likely closer to 10-fold, more potent than D2. However, in some species, such as rats, vitamin D2 is more effective than D3. Both vitamin D2 and D3 are used for human nutritional supplementation, and pharmaceutical forms include calcitriol (1alpha, 25-dihydroxycholecalciferol), doxercalciferol and calcipotriene.

So sunshine without the use of sunscreen is very important to proper vitamin D balance. This goes into another rant of mine on the over usage of sunscreens, but that's for another day.
Vitamin D is fat soluble so you can ingest too much, so taking a supplement isn't really the answer. The answer is to get off your butt and go outside for a walk! Spend a little time in the sun!

I want to be sure to point out that newborns get their vitamin D stores directly from their mother, so a mom deficient in vitamin D is going to have a baby deficient in vitamin D. Vitamin D is very important to bone health. Vitamin D deficiency is linked to Rickets, Osteomalacia, and Osteoporosis.

Designer Babies?

2007-09-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Homeschool and Etc.: Extra Toe? Mild Disease? Let's Kill the Kid!
MSNBC article
Thank you Mrs. C for bringing this story to our attention. Oddly enough it doesn't really surprise me that people are aborting babies after being told their child has a genetic disorder, even if that disorder is treatable. Our society no longer values children, they are "accessories" something to complete the picture. An imperfect one would be like a blemish on a super model!

What does surprise me is this

"The interesting thing is, as a genetic community this has been going on and we haven't looked back to see the consequences of putting these screening programs into place,"

hello??!! What in the world??? You put into place screening programs and never bother to see what is happening as a result of those programs?! Where did you get your degree? a Cracker Jack box?? I mean come on... isn't it just a normal part of science to look at the data?! As scientists weren't you even curious??!!

Before I leave you I must comment on this particular point of the article

"The question parents ask is why were they ever screened and then they are faced with a difficult dilemma," she said. "Here the problem is medically instigated."

Yes, to some point it is medically instigated, but parents need to be responsible for their own health care!! Instead of just doing as you're told ASK QUESTIONS! Ask your doctor why each and every test is being performed! Question the need of the results! Inquire about the accuracy of these tests and search your heart for the answer of what you'll do with the results.

ORGASMIO

2007-09-20T19:18:00.000-05:00

This is HILARIOUS! Now let me warn you my very conservative friends, this mentions penis, orgasm and sperm...

Orgasmio

Mrs. Lynn Baptisti Richards and Dr. Harlan Sparer have done an awesome parody of a hospital birth experience and everything leading up to it. This is great and I hope many men will read it!!

Insanity=Money Hungry

2007-09-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

Should I really be surprised? Are there any people involved pharmaceuticals that are actually in it to help the people? Apparently Merck is not one of them. Their recent exploit you ask? Gardasil for BOYS! You'll recall that Merck developed Gardasil as an HPV vaccine and marketed it toward young girls. They were recommending all girls over the age of 11 to be vaccinated. HPV is a sexually transmitted virus that *can* cause cervical cancer. Of course the vaccine is only targeted at 4 of the more than 100 strains of the virus, and yet it still costs approximately $400! Now let me refresh your memory further, back in February Governor Perry, of Texas, created an executive order mandating all middle school girls be vaccinated with Gardasil prior entering school. Is it just a coincidence that Gardasil's lobbyist was Perry's former chief of staff?? Thankfully the Senate was smart enough to overturn this executive order. However Texas was the first of many states that would struggle over the idea of making this vaccine mandatory.

Let me get off on a little bunny trail here... I wonder why the need to make it mandatory? I mean parents are aware the vaccine is available if they want it they can get it. Does the Governor (and other states that considered making it mandatory) really think that parents are not capable of making decisions for their children?

So back to the boys... It would appear that Merck has found another marketing angle. Remember these shots cost $400 each and it current is only useful for half of the market, think of all the potential dollars not tapped into by limiting the usefulness to only girls.
Now you might say "but boys can't get cervical cancer?!""can they?" No boys can't get cervical cancer, but apparently they can get throat cancer if they perform oral sex on a girl that is already infected.

last week in the New England Journal of Medicine, a team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed that infection with HPV via oral sex is by far the leading cause of throat cancer, which strikes 11,000 American men and women each year.

11,000!! Current US population: 301,139,947 so 0.00365% of the whole United States will get throat cancer of which HPV is ONE cause (tobacco and alcohol are thought to be major contributors as well, but big business would never allow them to be outlawed) so because 1 in 27376 of the American public may get cancer from HPV we're going to expose millions of little boys to toxins and possible adverse reactions associated with this vaccine for what? a possible preventative to one of them? Merck is still unsure of how long the vaccine works, as of right now they are suggesting a 5yr booster.

So what is the cost of all of this? Well I haven't found the numbers for boys so lets look at the girls...

In 2004, there were 10,500 new cases of cervical cancer.
About 70 % of these cases, or 7350 were associated with the virus targeted by Gardasil.
Two million girls (estimate) are born each year.
2,000,000 divided by 7350 = 272

IF the vaccine works, (Highly Unlikely),
and IF it prevents all of the targeted cervical cancer cases (7350), (Impossible),
and IF the year 2004 rate of new cervical cancer cases remained constant, (rather than continuing the established 35 year decline...)
THEN 272 girls [or more] must be vaccinated at a cost of $300 to $500 each to prevent one case of cervical cancer. Estimated cost = $81,600 to $136,000 per case of cancer prevented. Cervical cancer is virtually 100% preventable by lifestyle factors and can usually be treated for one fourth the estimated "vaccine preventable" cost. Add the estimated cost per case prevented to the cost of treating the other diseases caused by this vaccine and you will readily appreciate why we urge you to strive for immunity through diet and other lifestyle factors. In addition, the concept of vaccinating 272 nine year old girls to prevent one case of disease which occurs 31-46 years later when the girls become women 40 to 55 years in age seems like a story which should begin, "Once upon a time, the wagon of the snake oil salesman was seen approaching ..."

www.vaclib.org

So WHY are we pushing a drug that has had 385 adverse reaction reports in 6 months? Out of the 385 individual GARDASIL adverse event reports made to VAERS, two-thirds required additional medical care and about one-third of all reports were for children 16-years-old and under, with nearly 25 percent of those children having received simultaneously one or more of the 18 vaccines that Merck did not study in combination with GARDASIL. Money, that's why. You do the math approximately 4 million children born each year at an average of $400 per vaccine... That's several really nice houses, yachts, cars..... aren't our children worth more than that?

an interesting post script

Big Money does it again

2007-08-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

Referencing an online article at MSNbc

Once again the high finances of formula companies influences the health and well being of the public.

After the 2003-05 period in which the HHS ads were aired, the proportion of mothers who breast-fed in the hospital after their babies were born dropped, from 70 percent in 2002 to 63.6 percent in 2006

Apparently back in 2000 an ad campaign was designed to highlight the risks of formula feeding. This, in my opinion, is fantastic! It takes feeding our babies from a choice of breast or formula to formula being a risk no one wants to take.

I find it appalling, yet not really surprising the tactics that the formula companies will stoop to to keep women in the dark about the risks of formula.

The campaign the industry mounted was a Washington classic -- a full-court press to reach top political appointees at HHS, using influential former government officials, now working for the industry, to act as go-betweens.

Two of the those involved were Clayton Yeutter, an agriculture secretary under President George H.W. Bush and a former chairman of the Republican National Committee, and Joseph A. Levitt, who four months earlier directed the Food and Drug Administration's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition food safety center, which regulates infant formula. A spokesman for the International Formula Council said both were paid by a formula manufacturer to arrange meetings at HHS.

Money can do anything...

According to former and current HHS officials, Cristina V. Beato, then an acting assistant secretary at HHS, played a key role -- in addition to that of Keane -- in toning down the ads. They said she stressed to associates that it was essential to "be fair" to the formula companies.

Fair to the formula companies?? What about the BABIES!!??!!?? Who's standing up for them and making sure that they get the best start possible?? This really infuriates me! Who really cares about the formula companies which are really just subdivisions of pharmaceutical companies? Why would anyone worry about "being fair" to them? It's not like they play fair, it's not like they don't throw money around to get any research squashed, or get high ranking government officials to change ad campaigns!

After the changes, the advertising company, McKinney + Silver of Durham, N.C., withdrew from the campaign in protest, according to sources inside and outside HHS.

YEAH McKinney and Silver!! Finally someone with a backbone!! I'm sure they lost money on this deal but I have to applaud anyone willing to stand up for their convictions like that!! If I am ever in need of an ad campaign I know where to go http://www.mckinney-silver.com/

This article and the 20/20 interview seems to focus on the bottle feeding mother's feeling guilty. Why is that an issue? Why is it okay to risk the health of millions because a few women may feel guilty about their choice?? Perhaps if they had fully researched formula in the first place they wouldn't have made that choice, or if a hard hitting ad showing the risks of formula had run while they were pregnant they would have chosen to breastfeed. The whole politically correct crap is really getting to me. You can't please all of the people all of the time!!

Here are the ads that I've been able to find that were eventually run.

A plan...maybe

2007-04-01T20:29:00.000-05:00

well I think I finally have some kind of plan. We're going to try for one more baby (doing everything in my power for a girl) and then we're done. We'll be saving for the next two years so I can do a year at MLL and get my clinical stuff in and should have a good chunk of everything else done and ready to sit the NARM... hopefully. But then we're done having kids and I'm able to focus on being a midwife.
A part of me is sad to be "done" but I'm really ready I think to move on to a new chapter. I'm excited to see my children growing up and focusing on midwifery. I hope in that time that we can also maybe buy some land and move to the country.

Paths

2007-03-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

I'm actually getting tired of this topic. I just want a plan. Well really I just want to assist women in their ideal birth...

I've been thinking through what I want to do. Finding a preceptor is proving impossible. So the next options are a year at Maternidad La Luz or a few stints at Casa de Nacimiento
MLL is really my first choice. It's a complete program, everything would be done in a year's time and I would have direction to keep me on task. (I'm a master procrastinator) but it would mean the whole family going which means the house we're in either has to be sold, which this house sat for a year before we bought it. Or we have to have enough money saved to take care of payments on this house for a year. Nathan wants $20K in savings to make sure we don't default on this house.

I'm really feeling like this is just an impossible feat at this point. We seem to have an impossible time saving money. I could go get a job, but it would have to be after Nathan is home in the evenings and really, I wonder how much I can really make. AAMI is a minimum of 4 years and I still need a preceptor after that. I'm definitely sticking with AAMI, I think it's a very comprehensive course and an excellent continuing education opportunity. I don't think that it's necessary to start assisting in births though.

Anyone want to send donations?

Midwifery Today Conference Eugene 2007

2007-03-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

WoW! WoW! WoW!
There is nothing better than going to a beautiful city, enjoying great food and delicious wine while being in the company of 300+ women passionate about birth! I suppose the only thing that could have made it better would have been to catch a baby LOL!

I made some great friends! Nothing like a bottle of wine to bring people together! Really though we had a fabulous time talking about things we likely haven't talked to too many other people about. I suppose the safety of anonymity allows people to open up. I hope we remain friends and in contact.

I think my favorite discussion was on the placenta, oh how I love the placenta. Such an amazing organ. Followed closely by Robbie Davis-Floyd's presentation about the renegade midwife. It's a fabulous presentation about the need for autonomy for midwives. Currently the autonomous midwife is usually practicing outside the general "rules". The need for this kind of midwife, the one who will bend protocols to give the the mom who is 42.6 days time to go into labor on her own, or the one who will support the 2x c-section mom in a VBAC, or the one who will take on the grand multiparas are all assets to the birthing community. Without these midwives we could lose valuable skills.
I also had the opportunity to talk with Pamela (right? it is Pamela... man I'm horrible with names) she blogs as Sage Femme. She brings a new/old perspective. I say old because I think it's the more traditional role of a midwife, sit back and wait until your needed, and assume that you're probably not. I say new because it seems that many midwives have forgotten this idea and have become much more hands on, many who project the idea that the birth can not/should not happen without them.
I hope she is asked to speak at more conferences.

I hope that I can assist with the next conference somehow and possibly develop relationships with some of these very experienced women.

Breastmilk.... the other white milk

2007-02-02T20:05:00.000-06:00

In case you don't read The Lactavist she has recently been issued a C&D letter regarding a shirt she created in her CafePress store. The shirt had the slogan "Breastmilk... the other white milk" Apparently the National Pork board thinks this slogan is not only in violation of their trademark but also the slogan ""tarnishes the good reputation of the National Pork Board's mark in light of your apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption, such as with the following slogans on your website in close proximity to the slogan "The Other White Milk." "Dairy Diva," "Nursing, Nature's Own Breast Enhancement," "Eat at Mom's, fast-fresh-from the breast," and "My Milk is the Breast.""

Um yeah, it's ever so apparent that Lactavist is running an adult fetish site there! What is it with people?? You would think the pork board would take this opportunity to support breastfeeding and it's mother's (who just happen to be their consumers)... hmm maybe more chicken on my menu in the very near future!

If you would like to tell the Pork board just how you feel here is some contact info
Jeff Hartz - Director of Marketing Communications
(515) 223-2629 JHartz@pork.org

Joy Johnson - Vice President Marketing
(515) 223-2631 jjohnson@pork.org

Michael Wegner - Vice President Communications
(515) 223-2638 MWegner@pork.org

Teresa Roof - Public Relation Manager
(515) 223-2616 troof@pork.org

Renewed

2007-01-30T13:31:00.000-06:00

I had the pleasure of attending Sam and Carie at the birth of their 5th child, Ronald Hayden. It was a beautiful homebirth. Carie labors so well, if I wasn't an experienced mother and doula it would have been hard to tell where she was in her labor. She handle the contractions "apparently" with little effort as you usually see in early labor. Her midwife, Janessa, took a back seat, and let things progress on their own. She didn't insist on numerous vaginal exams or monitoring etc. It took a little longer than "normal" for Hayden to descend the birth canal, but she never seemed concerned or said anything. She even appeared open to birthing the baby on the toilet!
A good friend Abby was there to take pictures. She's a 17yr with a fledgling photography business (http://www.abigailsmithphotography.com), she has immense talent and patience. This was her first view of birth, I'm so glad it went so well.
This birth renewed my faith in my own abilities to doula, in the power of natural childbirth and
in midwives who truly trust birth. It was just such a fabulous experience! We walked, we laughed, we talked and I cried (I always do!) Congratulation to the Means family, may God richly bless you.

First week of January

2007-01-05T16:55:00.000-06:00

so how was your holidays? Mine were a little crazy. The inlaws where here and my kids went nutso as a result, but all in all it was good. Thankfully I get along with my inlaws, better than my own family as a matter of fact but there still seems to be some tensions.

So the Christmas decor is nearly down and I have yet to make any goals for 2007. I know I didn't accomplish much off my list from last year and many will still be the same for this year. But I think my biggest goal is to get a hold on my spending. We're not in debt and we manage to make ends meet and do pretty well but we're not saving what I'd like to be saving, we're also not making some purchases I'd like to be making and the big problem is I have so many interests that all require spending money and then I have a weakness for a good sale. We have a budget and I just need to stick to it. Easier said than done!

Ketchup

2006-12-27T12:46:00.000-06:00

that is the story of my life. Yes, I said ketchup... kinda like "catch up" but not quite, as in I'm usually "catching up" but often I'm the only one with the list. But it's more like I feel like I'm not quite making the mark. You know, like ketchup isn't quite a tomato. I feel like I'm not quite a good mother, not quite a good doula, not quite a good student, not quite a good wife. Like I'm still working towards what I really want to be, A GREAT VEGETABLE. um... okay I don't really want to be a vegetable (and tomatoes are actually fruit anyway), follow along, it's a metaphor thing.

So in case you haven't realized I'm not real good at this whole blog thing. I'm terrible about making the time to update. So I've decided to make it a new year's resolution to update once a week. Hopefully I'll actually have something interesting to say. Maybe it'll make me more aware of what's going on around me as I'll want to be sure I have something interesting to say.

Well, I did have a client give birth in November. Not ideal, she was induced which ended up with an epidural, but she's happy with her decision and her birth. Baby girl is beautiful and she's nursing great! I think the mom was more informed with this pregnancy and made her decision from that information and not out of fear or ignorance. I just wish I would have gotten there sooner, I may have been able to help her better. But anyway...

Labor Day

2006-09-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

I went to a little mini-conference put on by the Heartland Midwives Association. It was nice, I had a good time just chatting with other women about birth and babies. It's so uplifting to be able to candidly share your feelings about pregnancy, labor, and birth and not be looked at like a crazy person! There are times I feel so alone on this path it's nice to connect...
We went to the spaghetti factory afterward and it was so much fun! I laughed so hard!! Sarah and Ann are just like me humor-wise. It was great and I'm so glad I went. I learned that Damiana may help with the PPD. I want to look into a bit more but I think I'd like to hang out with Margaret and Aileen to learn more about herbs.

Podcasting?

2006-09-02T00:25:00.000-05:00

So my darling husband has convinced me I need to start podcasting. I tend to come across articles and such and tend to rant/discuss them with him, or rather at him, so perhaps that's his motivation for the suggestion. At any rate I'm going to do it, but I'm a bit nervous. I mean what if I sound dorky? I know you don't hear yourself the same way others do but I'm a little nervous, I don't think I sound that great on the answering machine, is that any indication of how I'll sound on the computer? haha
So I suppose my first cast should be about me, what I stand for and what the casts will be about, which I imagine will be primarily pregnancy, birth, babies, breastfeeding, being a student midwife and occasionally the crazy life I lead as a homeschooling mother of 6. But after that??? hmm... must figure out something... and a schedule! How frequently should I do this? Do I need a schedule? Would people be more inclined to listen if it was a regular program?

Spiraling Down... My PPD experience

2006-08-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

8/30
A few days ago I admitted to my husband that I felt suicidal. I can't recall ever having to say anything so difficult in my life.

Now I'm here to admit it to the rest of the world in hopes that some woman will gain the support she needs to get through this herself. I plan to edit this post as I progress so it'll all be right here for anyone who someday may need it...

At about 4 weeks postpartum I began feeling depressed and agitated. I would get frustrated that my baby needed me. That my other children needed me. I would blow up at everyone over anything and frequently cry soon there after. I felt guilty for being so mean...

It has progressed to panic attacks... that tightening of the chest and feeling like I can't breathe. Fear of nothing and everything, I can't pin down what I'm afraid of but I feel scared. A knot in my stomach and the feeling that I'm about to throw up. Crying unexplainedly. Thoughts of killing myself, more like fantasies of how good it would feel to die. I've had visions of hurting my baby, always as a reaction to frustration but scary thoughts none the less. I have a hard time concentrating, I can't seem to make decisions, I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time, I blow up easily and can't seem to think clearly. I shake occasionally and I feel like I'm going crazy. This makes me feel ashamed, I don't want other people to see me as weak or incapable. I don't want people to hold it against me, I don't want people to think it makes me a bad person. I love my children and there are many times that looking at them is the only joy I feel all day.

Last night I got a prenatal, B-complex, Valarian root, Calcium magnesium,L-lyinsine an amino acid and Omega 3 fatty acids. The Valarian is a nervine and I'm hoping it'll have enough of a sedative effect to help keep me from blowing up at my kids all the time.

I'm supposed to call my doctor about getting on the progesterone pill. In the past I have taken normal birth control and had a bad reaction (wild mood swings and headaches). My doctor came to the conclusion that it was too much estrogen, the progesterone pill didn't have any negative effects. During pregnancy (a time when I feel very normal) the placenta releases large amounts of progesterone. I suspect that the decrease in progesterone maybe largely responsible... but I'm finding it difficult to call my doctor. I don't know what to say to her. I really want her respect and feel I have it. I feel at this point she sees me more as a peer than a patient and I'd like it to stay that way.

9/1
Yesterday was a very bad day... I really wish I could pin point triggers or something. Nathan left for work around 8 as usual, and as usual I was still in bed, a movie was on for the kids. I generally spend an hour or two half awake while they watch movies (yes I feel like a horrible mother but at this point I can't bring myself to do anything else)and then I finally get up, usually when the baby gives me no other choice. Typically I have to referee a few arguments and answer a question here and there, ordinarily it's not too bad but yesterday.... yesterday I could have literally beat a child. Everything in me wanted to double up my fist and hit someone. I called my husband who thankfully came home right away. I stayed in bed until nearly 4pm. I woke only to nurse the baby and at 3 when Nathan asked me to call my doctor for the mini pill prescription. I did feel much less stressed when I did finally get out of bed but the self induced guilt is awful.
My husband is a saint though. He came home right away when I called, supervised the kids all day, fed them, made sure chores got done, did his own work and even did school with them.
He talked with his manager today. I was hesitant, again self-induced guilt and shame, but it was for the best. He's been coming home frequently and I was worried how his employer would look on that (although they are extremely understanding and have always been super flexible). Turns out the manager has seen this in his own family and even said he suspected that was the case. So he's very understanding and praying for me.

9/3
not a good day. It's about 7pm. I've been "sad" all day a few minutes ago my youngest needed to nurse, I wasn't moving fast enough and he was tired and hungry and started to cry, it took everything I had not to just toss him to the floor! I even yelled at him (like it could help to yell at a 10 week old) to be quiet. Now I'm feeling really stressed and just plain irritable. Every noise my children are making is bothering me, I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my fists and I feel a headache coming on. I haven't taken any of my vitamins today...

9/4
Oh dear Lord! How am I ever going to survive this? I can't stand noise. Any noise. It's not like I have a headache and the noise hurts it's just intensely annoying. My first reaction is to do anything to make them shut up. I locked myself in the closet to get some quiet today. It's driving me over the edge, I'm sure you can imagine what a house with 6 kids sounds like!
I haven't taken any vitamins today either. I had thought that I would see what the progestrone pills alone would do but now I'm second guessing that.

9/8
Yesterday was a very good day! I've been very good about taking my vitamins and progestrone, drinking tons of water and making an attempt at getting to bed by midnight. I don't think I had a single panic attack yesterday! I know I didn't have any "scary" thoughts and I was able to feel when my anger was about to burst and circumvent it. I feel good that I went a whole day and didn't have to call my husband home. I took my daughter to cheerleading practice and left the baby with Nathan. It was about 2hrs after I ran to the store and it was good. I'm hoping it wasn't a fluke and that I've found something that works.
I also talked to a very good friend the other day and was surprised she had post partum depression as well after one of her kids. I was surprised because she had never said anything, but then I suppose it's hard to admit. It felt great talking to her, just sharing similar experiences and knowing that she really *knew* exactly how I felt. I mean my husband is wonderful and he tries and I know he empathized with me but he can never really know the feeling of being paralyzed by fear but that fear has no source, it's totally in your head and you can't even designate a source for it, it's just there and it has you by the throat. And because you're an intelligent woman you feel totally crazy, like you should be locked up because you're afraid of nothing! Try as he might he'll never totally know what I'm feeling, I'm wondering if I should find a support group...

Links that may help
My Dog Harriet another blogger shares her battle with PPD

1/5
It's a new year and I've been horrible about updating this. I'm sorry.
I'm doing fairly well. I'm regularly taking progesterone, EFA, and a complete B. I still have my moments, which I don't think my dh understands. It seems he thinks we've found the magic pill and all should be well now. He doesn't seem to understand the immense struggle it still is to get up and function. Maybe this isn't related to PPD but it's there none the less. I love him dearly and I know if I talked to him about it he'd understand and be great, but I feel like I'm making excuses. I mean how many times can you tell the teacher your dog ate your homework before he starts to question the reality of it.
I've started reading What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About(TM): Premenopause
It's pretty good. I'm hoping to finish it soon and start using a natural progesterone to treat my depression.
In early December I tried going off the progesterone pills so I could do some hormone testing, it didn't go well. I had all the original symptoms back in a few days and by the end of the week was not really functioning.

2/2
I've stopped taking the progestrone pills and am now on a cream Progestacare. I seem moody, and irritable and a general depressed mood. I've been feeling isolated and rejected lately.
I had trouble sleeping the first few nights and I've spent most of this week with a migraine and intense nausea. I'm going to try to go back to the supplements, I'm just not very good about taking them. I also am beginning to suspect my thyroid isn't functioning properly, I'm exhausted all the time. Nathan thinks I'm not getting enough quality sleep, enough REM sleep. I kind of agree, but not sure what I can possibly do about it.

3/4
Swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water.
At the same time wanting to just slip away.
The water is dark and icy cold,
the sky is black and looming.
Nothing can be seen in any direction
Which way do I go? What do I do?
I want to just stop stroking
I know I can't

Things are getting bad again. I'm using the progestrone creme in the morning and at night. I had my TSH tested, it's normal. I'm going to see an endocrinologist for further thyroid testing and hopefully a natropath for hormone testing.

3/21
I'm back on the pill. I really don't like the idea, but it's impossible to ignore the help it provides. I still struggle with a general sadness and some anxiety but no where near where I was. I have hope again and feel like I can function.
I hope to write about all this at some point. I think it's important to get women and men understanding that this is a real problem and not one to be ashamed of.
I had the opportunity to talk to a midwife at the conference who also suffered from PPD, though we both thought that Post Partum Psychosis might be a better diagnosis given the symptoms. I was amazed at how we could finish each other's sentences. We had such a similar experience it's amazing. Sad that she had to suffer too, but encouraged that she came through it. One thing she mentioned that I haven't mentioned here yet and I think it's important is that part of what has kept me from seeking more help, and being more open is that I am viewed as a "birth professional", a strong woman in the community. To admit that I'm not always strong, I don't always have the answer and that birth and post partum isn't always fantastic is hard for me. I hope I can shift this paradigm by writing about it.

7/23/07
well his first birthday has come and gone. I think I'm past the worst of it. I still need an incredible amount of sleep. I'm constantly tired, crave sweets something terrible. I'm often forgetting I'm hungry and skip way too many meals and I'm not thirsty hardly at all so my water intake is way down. I know this isn't healthy for me. I'm just really struggling with turning it around.
I've been off the pill since I got back from Oregon. I started taking brown kelp which seems to have helped some. I also had my thyroid checked. All my levels, including cortisol and adrenal function, came back on the very low side of normal, not low enough however, for this particular endocrinologist to supplement. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm not insured.
I'm trying very hard to get up in the morning by 8 as opposed to my usual noon and exercise first thing. It's a huge struggle, especially since my husband, as amazing as he is doesn't want to see me suffer so he has a tendency not to work to hard at getting me out of bed.
I'm hopeful though, there is definitely light at the end of this tunnel, and my son couldn't possibly bring me more joy.

9/19/07
I feel normal most days now, finally! I still tire pretty easily, but generally speaking I think I'm pretty close to my old self. Unfortunately in the last year the kids have gone totally out of control, the house is a complete disaster and I've lost contact with pretty much everybody in my homeschool group and online friends. I feel like I just got out of rehab, feeling great, yet still ashamed and out of touch. But, I'm holding on and taking it one step at a time.

yet more on licensure

2006-08-03T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm sure this is a topic that could go on and on but I want to explore the comments made on my last post...

Maybe it's just the way my state is going about this that has my panties in a twist.
See the way the bill reads right now there would not be an option for waivers, there wouldn't even be a specific standard of care consistantly in place. At least not guaranteed... The bill gives power to the health department with recommendations from a board that is primarily midwives, though there are two doctors and a parent (or maybe it's two parents). So my issue is that the board only gives recommendation and that the way the bill is written it is all together feasible that the health department could change on a whim what the scope of practice is. Yes it's not likely, and it's a pretty good bet that the board will have a good influence on the health department and it's a pretty good bet that once the scope and practice are laid out that they'll stay that way. BUT IT'S NOT GUARANTEED! and I really don't want to "bet" with what I see as my path... And the way it's written now there is no provision for patients who disagree with the scope and practice, no waiver to get them past it. If a client and midwife agree that 44wks is fine there is nothing to allow the client to choose that without still endangering the license of the midwife.
I'm trying to remain optimistic, the bill still hasn't passed and as far as I know it hasn't even been argued. It's all together possible it'll just fade into the distance and we can go on as we are.

I don't have issue with certification. I think it's an awesome choice for a midwife to have and a way to carry her abilities on her shirt sleeve so to speak. I think that certification (sitting the NARM) should be enough, why do states need to take it any further? I mean do you learn more by being licensed by your state? Probably not, as you prove your abilities to the state through the credentials you already have. It might be different if they required you to go through classes etc. to obtain licensure then you could say that as a licensed CPM you have added education over the non-licensed CPM but a CPM is a CPM regardless of CA or NY it's just a matter of what their state is trying to regulate.

Well now it's "Vogue"

2006-08-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

After all the hub bub that Baby Talk got from their breastfeeding cover I'm shocked and amazed to see that there was a breastfeeding shot in Vogue
I think it's awesome that breastfeeding is finally getting some positive press, press that makes no big deal about it. I mean really it isn't a big deal, or at least it shouldn't be to see a picture of a mom nursing her child.

So why is it such a big deal in this country? Yes I realize that 'we' seem to be unable to separate or maybe it's intergrate the idea that breasts can be both sexual and functional. But why? What happened in our society to make people see breasts as purely sexual objects?

More thoughts on licensing

2006-08-01T08:49:00.000-05:00

This link Showed up in my in box yesterday morning. Thank you Gloria ;-)
It presents an interesting point, one that I hadn't really given much thought to and that is that through licensure the state is admitting that homebirth is safe. I do think this is important but at the same time what has our society come to that we need the state government to tell us what is safe and what is not? Are we not capable of determining that ourselves?
But another point it made was that 49 of 50 states have some law regarding "practicing medicine without a license" and that without legislation to rebuttle the legislation brought about by the AMA back in the 50's (more on that later) midwives have the potential of being prosecuted all over the country. This is the general idea behind the midwives of Oklahoma supporting the bill that is currently in the house. Oklahoma has laws regarding the practice of medicine and it doesn't include midwives.

much to think on. I shall be back, I want to rant on about the ACOG's attempt to squash WI legislation and thier general stance on homebirth with CPM's but it's time to do some school with the kids!

Licensure

2006-07-30T12:16:00.000-05:00

On a list I'm on we're discussing the pros and cons of licensing midwives. In my state there is currently legislation in the house to require all midwives to be CPM's. The "rules" that it has laid out currently aren't too bad, but it gives power to the health department. Anyway I don't want to pick apart my current states legislation... I want to talk about legislation in general.

I don't honestly see too many pros. In fact that one that keeps getting brought up is that parents then know that their care provider is practicing within certain parameters and she's achieved certain standards in her education. My thoughts is "why is it the states responsibility to do this research for parents?" As a parent isn't it my job to research care providers? Find out their credentials, seek out references, and if there is a local group (not a governing body but a peer review group) be sure they are in good standing with that group. Isn't it my job to make sure that I am getting the care I need. Why does so many people think it's the states responsibility? Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Okay this rant is going in a different direction so let's try to get back on topic.

Cons to licensure... there are many! One midwife posted that she believed in the state of Florida a midwife can not assist a woman with a hemoglobin below 9. Now I understand the thinking behind this, there is some thought that a low hemoglobin increases your chance of hemorrhage. BUT! what about women like me who barely are 9 when they're not pregnant! I generally deliver around 7 and where as I've had slightly heavier bleeds certainly not anything that should prevent me from a homebirth because this is MY range of normal. Now some midwives wouldn't be comfortable assisting me and that's okay, but many wouldn't mind especially when looking at my history. Licensure takes away the right of the woman to choose to take that risk and the right of the midwife to choose to take that risk. Now the state has determined that neither the midwife nor the woman are capable of determining what is an acceptable risk. And that my friends is my biggest issue with licensure, that the state takes away a mother's right to self determine care and a midwife's abilitly to practice in a way she is comfortable with.

6 degrees

2006-07-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

So what's the proper blogtiquette on snagging something off a blog??
no clue so I'll do it my way...
I enjoy the wit and humor of doulica and today I caught her 6 degrees post the rules of which are here

So after a couple of tries of only getting to 4 I finally ended up here
I like how she writes about ordinary things and yet they seem all nice and poetry-like... Interesting

on my wanderings I found a blog that was very inspiring Babycatcher her post "Ripples and Waves" made me think about what ripples I'm causing. Lately it feels like my pond is frozen over and I'll never make a difference. My husband is good at reminding me of the little ways I've touched the world. He really is awesome even if I have to change 10x's more diapers than he does.

My darling little boy

2006-07-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

I just have to point everyone to the blog of our photographer who requested my baby model for her.
Abigail Smith Photography
She is an amazing kid. I use "kid" lightly, she's 17, and very mature and takes fabulous pictures. She has a heart of gold and really lives a life after Christ. I'm so glad she's in our lives and a role model for my daughter.

Overwhelmed

2006-07-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

business cards
brochures
banners
promo products
give aways

I've been invited to participate at two booths in September. My head is spinning! I don't know where I'm going to come up with the cash to pay for all the printing I need done to promote myself. How do people do it? I really don't want to deal with the business side of this, really I just want to catch babies, help women and educate the public. I couldn't care less about 4 color printing. I am excited though to have the opportunity to talk to women about what I do.

There's no turning back now

2006-07-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Your application has been accepted. Your File # is 1881

This was in my mail box this morning.

I cried.

I don't know why exactly but I'm sure some of it is that I never really thought I would be starting this path at least not until waaaayyyyy into the future. I'm sure part of it is also the fact that I'm slightly overwhelmed by the prospect of going to school for the next 6-7yrs and then there is the idea that if I fail or don't finish we've wasted a bunch of money.

Is it insane to say that I'm afraid of success. I mean we all want to be successful right? And what's the point of doing something if not to succeed at it? Of succeeding also means responsiblity and expectations. Am I ready for those? Can I meet the expectations of those around me? Of other midwives? Dare I even put myself in that catergory of student midwife?

Nathan of course has every confidence. He's certain I have all the knowledge and ability I'll ever need and I'll sail right through this. His biggest concern is that the school will go belly up and we'll be out our money and my education will have to start over. Gotta love him! I feel so lucky to have a husband that is so amazingly supportive. He's awesome!

Well I decided I would start with the Introduction to Midwifery Studies. I'm hoping this will boost my Doula business a bit so it can start supporting it's self and maybe, hopefully someday contribute to the family budget.

High Noon

2006-07-20T10:50:00.000-05:00

Today at noon my darling husband signs the paperwork securing the loan for my schooling!
That's right folks as of this afternoon I will be enrolled in the Advanced Midwifery Studies through Ancient Art Midwifery.
It's a huge step and I'm scared silly. This is a good chunk of change to plop down on something that is going to take several years for me to complete and what if I don't complete it? What if I can't find a preceptor? What if I can't practice when I am done? What if...? What if..??
Nathan keeps telling me not to think like that. That it's obvious this is the path God wants me on and that He'll work out the details. I'm still a bit worried though.
I'm pretty excited too! I plan to officall start Sept.15th. This will hopefully give me time to have the kids on a regular school schedule and Harris will hopefully have settled down into a sleep/eat routine so I can figure out a regular time I can study.

I'm adding "Great Starts 4" onto my package which adds another 3 years onto enrollment! So I'm looking at 7yrs if I don't do any extensions. But I'm hoping it'll give me a good rounded academic view and I don't have to wait till I graduate to take the NARM exam which means I could start catching babies before then.

And thus the first footstep on the path.....

Harrison William

2006-07-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

Harrison William Anderson
June 18th 2006 7:16 a.m., Sunday; Father’s day.
Weighing 8lbs 8oz., 21.5 inches long with a head and chest measurement of 14 inches.

After five births that came between 36 and 38 weeks I had no reason to suspect I would get to 39 weeks and 6 days with my the sixth. I started bed rest at 30 weeks like I usually do and by 37 weeks I was tired and very uncomfortable. When 38 weeks came and went I was beginning to feel depressed and anxious. By 39 weeks I wondered if I should start to worry. Nathan joked that I was intentionally waiting for Father’s day so he wouldn’t get his “day of rest”. I guess he really is prophetic.

I had occasional visions of this birth trough out my pregnancy. They were just small glimpses, nothing that seemed real insightful. Things like the birds singing and the sun rising and even the way Nathan supported me, but they all where there when the time came. I hope this signifies my connection with my body, though I can’t say I felt terribly in tune this time. I did have this deep unexplainable fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle labor. For some reason I thought it would be very long and difficult. I’ve always had short easy labors, so I really don’t know where this fear came from.

Saturday night we went to bed about one a.m. I told Nathan it would be ideal to have the baby in the middle of the night while everyone slept. As I was going to sleep I thought three a.m. would be a good time to get up and tat I’d love to watch the sunrise as I labored.

I woke up at 2:53 a.m. with a strong contraction. I didn’t get excited as this was pretty common at this point. I waited for it to end and went to the bathroom and then back to bed. As I dozed I got another contraction. I started praying that this was it, that God would have mercy on my body and that the children would sleep through it. I continued to have contractions; I would pray through them and doze between them. I was having sharp pains in my pubic bone, but thankfully no back labor.

Just shy of five a.m. my water broke. This came as quite a surprise as this usually happens right before I’m ready to push. My contractions had been regular but mild and fairly spaced out so I wasn’t expecting to be ready to push yet.

I woke Nathan and quickly got off the bed. I didn’t want the bed to get wet because Fenton was still asleep in it. Nathan got a chux pad for me and helped me off with my pants. It felt good to stand and there was less pubic pain, but the contractions seemed to space out, although I had never timed them. My legs soon got tired and I asked for a chair. The contractions were a little more intense sitting but not bad. They still seemed very spaced out and I was a little concerned we would be there awhile. Nathan turned on some classical music and lit the candles. The back door was open so there was a slight breeze and the house was silent, it was all very peaceful. As the birds awoke I asked Nathan to turn off the music so I could hear them.

The contractions started picking up and I was getting more pubic pain. At some point I pushed the chair away and tried to find a comfortable position on the floor. I was really tired and waned to sleep between contractions. I noticed the sun was coming up and how beautiful the sky looked, but I worried that the children would be awake before the baby came and when I needed Nathan most. I had been praying with every contraction for mercy, courage and strength and now I added that the kids would sleep until the baby was here.

The contractions quickly picked up as did the pubic pain. Nathan sat behind me so I could lean against him; it felt good to share this space. I think transition hit about this time as I felt just one continuous peak and immense pubic pain as well as some low back pain. It was very intense, I found myself wanting to escape rather than embracing it. The sharp pubic pain was new for me and I think it caused me to worry which hindered my ability to let go and go with it. I squeezed Nathan’s hand and tried to breathe and vocalize. That’s when CJ knocked at our door wondering what was going on. He was obviously frightened.

There were two of those long contractions and then I went forward and laid on my side exclaiming that he was stuck. After another long contraction I asked Nathan to help me to my knees. The pack-n-play was directly in front of me and resting my arms on it I was able to keep body upright but still resting against something. I had another contraction, though with this one there was little pubic pain and I felt him enter the birth canal. I began vocalizing quite loudly and when I heard Nathan “shhhing” I was ready to smack him, but Fenton was waking and it was him he was “shhhing” I then felt the need to push. I rested back onto my bent legs and pushed twice before I felt the head begin to crown. One more very strong push and the head was out, oh what a relief! Nathan was trying to see but there wasn’t really any way for him to. He was also trying to make sure Fenton didn’t get scared. I had a moment to breathe and then felt the need to push with all my might. I really wanted to grab my baby and guide him out but I was pushing with such force that my fists were clenched and I couldn’t relax my hands enough to hold him so I let him slip out onto the chux pad directly below as I scooted back to make room. I sat there for a moment and stared in wonder at the life that just came from me. Then I picked him up and asked for a towel. He sputtered and let out a cry; I wiped off his face and held him to my chest. The sun was up, and the birds were singing and I thanked God for this awesome opportunity to participate in His creation.

I asked Fenton, who was laying in the bed watching, if he wanted to see the baby, he shook his head yes and came over with eyes wide with wonder. We then invited CJ in who asked what it was so I had him look. Then each child woke up and came in one by one. We all sat in silence for a moment, just a moment, and just looked at our newest family member.

The placenta came quickly afterward along with a large puddle of blood. I tied and cut the cord and Nathan held him and got me the Shepard’s purse. I took one dropper full, and then headed to the shower where I took a second. I got cleaned up and into bed and took a third. I was shaking a lot and wondered if it was related to the amount of blood I had lost. I got Harrison latched on and contemplated at what point I would tell Nathan we needed to transfer. Harrison nursed wonderfully and when I checked a half hour later I was satisfied that the bleeding had slowed significantly and the need to worry had passed. Nathan got everything cleaned up and I set about inspecting our newest little blessing.

I'm a complete hypocrite

2006-04-14T18:45:00.000-05:00

I just can't hold it in any longer (I'm not great with secrets anyway)
I'm a UCer and a natural birth advocate and I have many, many times spoken of the horrors of Ultra Sound. It's medically unnecessary and some studies suggest unsafe. I've told countless women that they should avoid a US without definite medical need...

So here I am PG with #6... I have 4 boys and 1 girl, and even though my girl has been my most difficult child I desperately want a girl. I have been wanting a girl for the last two pregnancies. Not that my boys don't totally rock my world, I love them to pieces but I REALLY want a girl (yes, I admit to being selfish) I want my daughter to have a sister, I want another little girl to dress all girlie now that I can actually afford to dress her (my daughter had pretty much all hand-me-downs from her brother cause I was broke and single) but mostly I just want another "girl bond" I'm sure those with sisters and daughters know what I'm talking about. I had decided before I even got pg this time that this was it, I didn't feel like I could do more than 6 kids, my husband was okay that. So when I did get pg I wanted even more for this one to be a girl since in my mind this was going to be my last try.
As much as I hate to admit it, I was momentarily disappointed at the discovery of the last two boys at their birth. I so had hoped for a girl that I had nearly all but put out the idea that a boy was even possible. Of course my sons are awesome and I can't possibly imagine life without them now, that wasn't my first thought.

My daughter desperately wants a sister. She puts toys and clothes away saying she's saving them for her baby sister. She plays dolls with her imaginary sister. She asks all the time what her sister's name will be etc... she wants a girl as badly as I do.

So to try to make a long story a tiny bit shorter...

I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up for a little girl, but as I was sewing mother/daughter outfits I soooo wanted to sew baby matchy matchy and just *know* what we were having. I wanted to be able to let my daughter get excited about a sister, or help her cope with the idea of another brother. Really, it was just all about my sanity. My husband didn't really care either way (our baby could have two heads and he wouldn't care LOL) I haven't told anyone. I'm so ashamed, only a very close friend who went with me knows... I gave in to my own selfishness... I went against everything I've ever said and believe and had a US. It really was killing me.

so guess what we're having....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Harrison William Anderson

at the US all I could do was smile. I went through a slight disappointment for a day afterwards but now I'm excited. I love this little man and am glad I can focus my energy towards him and not hold out hope for a little girl, and now I think I'm going to try to do a few brother sets.
Also, I think we're going to try one more time LOL though I'm starting to wonder if my husband has any girl sperm lol

if you got this far in my torrid little tale, thanks for listening and letting me get that off my chest.
Also, please don't think I'm judging anyone who routinely gets US's. It's just been "against my beliefs" for sometime now and I feel like I betrayed natural birth advocacy.

And it begins again

2006-04-14T18:25:00.000-05:00

So for the last week my darling husband has been home taking care of me. Preterm labor has started. I haven't checked my cervix, but contractions are come and go and mostly with any activity... any activity even getting up and walking the 3 feet to the bathroom. It's really rather annoying. I'm 30weeks and this is normal for me. It's happened with the last 4 pregnancies and something we kind of prepare for. No matter how much I try to plan for it though I still end up feeling helpless and crippled. I have a hard time dealing with the contractions because instinctively I want to fight them. I know it's too early so I won't allow my body to just go with it, which of course makes them more painful. Add to this symphysis pubis pain and a baby who feels the need to grind his head into my hips.
I'm planning maternity pictures for next week and hopefully a belly cast at 36wks. There are so many things I haven't done though that I really want to get done before the baby comes. Dora needs summer clothes and I need post partum clothes and I really wanted to make some baby stuff, not that I need any.

bumps, squirms and heartburn

2006-03-13T21:21:00.000-06:00

It's official, I'm in love! The little bean is tossing and turning and bumping around and everytime it makes me smile. I love being pregnant, it's such an amazing thing, the creation of a whole new human being. I can't help but love this little one.
Of course I could do without the heartburn. A friend offered relief in the form of papaya enzyme. It works great!

More decisions

2006-03-07T01:54:00.000-06:00

man this is frustrating!!
We're trying to figure out the best way to proceed. We think we'd like to get about 100 acres with some water on it (a small pond or creek) but we don't know if we should buy a mobile home to put on it and save for a year or two and then build, build right away... etc.. Nathan's going to talk to a loan officer tomorrow and see what their recommendations are. I just don't want this to drag on for 5-10 years. I'm not willing to put midwifery on hold for that long.

On a side note I am ashamedly getting an ultrasound tomorrow. I know I know! They aren't proven safe, they are pointless medically... but I really want to know if it's a boy or girl. I just need to know. We think this will be our last. If it's a girl that's definite, if it's a boy... I dunno, I will likely want to try again. I really want another girl. Hopefully one that has a better disposition than the one currently living here! She's lovely, but, WOW, she is stubborn.

So I'm feeling very chaotic right now. I need to know what we're doing and how we're going to do it. I need to be productive and have a goal. I'm hoping we can get somewhere with the loan officer tomorrow.

Making Decisions

2006-03-04T02:03:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how sad I am... I brought up to my husband the thought that perhaps we should think about moving. It's not that we live in a slum or anything, it's actually a really nice house in a small quiet neighborhood, but we've both talked lots about living more in the country and the kids having room to run and explore and the lack of neighbors butting in. Well it kind of hit us that if we wait 5-10 years (slowly saving so we don't have to drastically change our lifestyle) that by then the kids will be mostly grown and that kind of defeats the purpose. The market around here isn't moving real fast and it's feasible that our house could be on the market for a year or more. We also need to do some improvements (namely cover the permanent marker the kids left) so it would be a good idea to get out before making improvements so they aren't undone as quickly as they are put up. So we decided to save for a year so we could shoulder two house payments, this will of course require a major change in spending habits so we can save enough. Anyway, the gist of all this is that I have to postpone my midwifery career. It was ultimately my decision. We could do fine in this house, it's plenty big and it's a nice area just not our ideal. We just can't afford the added expense of tuition and books etc... plus conferences and other educational opportunities if we're going to do what I feel is best for our family. I've cried for the last half hour, I feel like I'm letting go of myself, the only part of my life that is really entirely about me and what I want. I feel like I'm sacrificing myself for my kids. I realize this is what parents do, but... I don't know... it's more than eating the burnt toast, or staying up all night. It's my whole self, my core, my dream, the very definition of who I am... I am the Babylady. I know she's not dead, I'll go back to midwifery in a few years, I just feel like she's getting older and missing out. We decided that I would focus on my CBE and Doula stuff, so I'm not giving up on her totally. I'm just really caught off guard at how sad this makes me.

Legislation

2006-02-06T23:47:00.000-06:00

I hate politics... I really, really hate politics.
Oklahoma has long been an alegal state in regards to midwifery, meaning that it was neither legal nor illegal. There was nothing governing the practice in the state at all.
Apparently sometime in the last year or so a woman from the Church of the Firstborn died shortly after birth. She bled out from a retained placenta piece, something that easily could have been treated with a midwife or doctor. However, the Church of the Firstborn doesn't believe in using doctors, they are faith healers. So rather than seek medical attention they prayed over her. The women that attended her birth call themselves midwives (or so I've been told) although they do no clinical assessment, they simply pray. At any rate, the woman's family contacted a state senator and requested that something be done. The response was to legislate midwifery. An initial bill was proposed and a local midwife is meeting with the senator to get the language significantly changed.
The problem with all this is that it's not going to do a thing about the issue that the senator was contacted for. This group can continue to practice the way that they do under religious exemption laws.
I'm feeling extremely frustrated, having just decided on my educational path, one that I could manage and afford and now it appears that I will be forced to sit the NARM's test and be a CPM which means registering with that national organization and then with the state organization. I have LONG felt that I needed to avoid being registered anywhere. I'm just praying that the language won't completely exclude the practice of midwifery without registering with the state. I feel like I'm going to end up in quite the quandary, either I register and go against what I think is my conscious, or possible loose respect among the midwifery community in the area. I also feel like my hands are tied, because I'm not currently a midwife I really don't have much of a voice, but this is going to drastically affect my future as a midwife.

Trusting my body

2006-01-26T02:25:00.000-06:00

I trust my body, I trust birth, really I do. I know that in nearly all cases birth is as natural as it gets. That said I'm scared. I've been frequently getting contractions over the last few days. The baby didn't move at all the 25th. I totally blew up at Nathan, I was scared and when I non-chalantly mentioned the lack of movement he responded with the same "no big deal" attitude and I lost it. We talked and he tried to hear a heart beat with the fetoscope (got nothing, but I'm only 19wks) he spent some time with his hand on my belly and all of a sudden the baby kicked. I nearly cried. Since then the baby has been fairly active (Thank you God!) but I'm still getting very frequent contractions, sometimes they are really minor and barely noticeable, other times they take my breath away and I have a hard time concentrating through them. A few have woken me up. I'm exhausted most of the time, but mostly I'm just terribly worried. I usually have preterm labor, but not until about 30wks. Why all of a sudden so early? What could be going on? My cervix is staying posterior and closed but it seems to go from mushy to hard to mushy. I'm actually considering an ultrasound.

scared

2006-01-24T00:38:00.000-06:00

Written 1/24 after previous days of contractions
....more contractions, they started about an hour ago (11:30) they're getting harder and closer toghether. I'm really having to breathe and move through them. I'm having a hard time concentrating and relaxing, mostly I think because I'm scared. It's way to early. There's no chance of survival this early... I don't understand why I'm having these. I don't have a UTI, I'm staying well hydrated, I'm not getting any spotting or apparently cervical change.
Please Lord let my baby be okay...

Well that was easy

2006-01-22T01:25:00.000-06:00

I hate it when I spend an enormous amount of time contemplating a decision and then share that decision with my husband and he simply says "okay". ERG! Yes it's fantastic that he agrees with me and it didn't become a huge fight or anything but it would be nice if he would inquire about my thought process and kinda go through his own. Maybe it's because I don't fully trust myself and I want him to question me so I know he's thought it all they way through because I can trust him. (hope you followed that)

So now that I've gone off on that little tangent let's talk about what started that little digression...
In my last entry I talked about family size. Well after much more thought I came to the conclusion that God gave us signs for a reason. In Genesis 1 that the stars are to mark the seasons, and Psalms 104 talks about the moon knowing it's season and the sun knows when to go down, and Jeremiah talks about the birds knowing their season to migrate. Anyway all this to say that God put into His design some very obvious cycles and I don't think that the cycle of a woman is any different. We have obvious signs of ovulation and a limited space of time to possibly get pregnant. It's relatively easy to avoid pregnancy without using any artificial means. It seems to me that God wouldn't make it so incredibly obvious if He didn't expect us to use it.
Now I'm very open to God superseding my actions and giving me another baby. I would never do anything permanent or use anything hormonal, we'd be relying entirely on my ovulation "symptoms". I certainly know that God has the power to create life at any time he wants, whether I'm ovulation or not.
All this to say I do believe we are done (I may very well change my mind in a year-haha). I really want to focus on doing things as a family and getting my midwifery education taken care of and hopefully a practice started in the next ten years. Adding more children will make that more difficult. I want to take family vacations and spend time doing things with the kids, it's already hard with 5. Not only is it expensive, but it's also difficult for us to do things with a 10yr difference in children's ages. Their interests are very different, as is their understanding.

So I've thought this through, but I'm still feeling like I'm somehow disobeying. I don't know if it's because I've spent so much time "defending" our family size with my faith or what. Or, maybe it's because I've told umpteen million people that we'll never done. I don't know, I'm sure I could sit around and psychoanalize the decision all day. Instead I'm going with it, leaving room for God to step in at anytime.

Movin and Shakin!

2006-01-17T02:16:00.000-06:00

I love it, baby has been bouncing around for the last two weeks. Each day it seems I can feel the bumps a little stronger. I wish there was some way for my husband to feel this. It's just such an amazing thing. The little byte stops moving every time I put my hand on my belly.

I just love this part of pregnancy. It's so awe inspiring. There is an itty bitty being inside of me. Being nurtured by body and my love. This little thing couldn't possibly survive without me right now and I am the only one who can possibly take care of it. I'm always amazed at how I can love a baby and not even "know" them.

.

New Year

2006-01-16T02:30:00.000-06:00

It seems inevitable to spend time thinking about where I am and where I want to be around the new year.
Once again I'm having that internal struggle over our family size. I love being pregnant, really I do. I also love nursing a babe (at least for the first 12 months, then I get a little "touched out"). So my struggle... Shortly after N and I got married we came to the conclusion that God ultimately has control over the womb and that we needed to allow Him to control our family size. Fast forward... 3 babies later and I'm questioning this decision. Well I've questioned it before, but it keeps coming up. I wonder... God obviously set up a woman's cycles, they are usually obvious and fairly predictable. Is this for a reason? Is this so that we can take some control and decide on the size of our family? I still believe that God can intervene and create a child at will, but does He always, or has He put these biological processes into place and it is up to use to be open to His will, but still use our wisdom and science?

I also feel bad about the questioning. Along with the general question is many feelings of wanting to be done. I want to enjoy my children getting older, being able to do things with them without thinking "well that will be hard with a baby". Also, I want to enjoy time with my husband. I want to be able to plan get always without worrying about who's nursing or me being pregnant etc. I know we can't really do that right now, but in ten years it would be feasible for us to have the older kids taking care of the younger ones while we escaped for a weekend.
AND... I want to DO things. I want to be a midwife, but that is going to take time at school and time at births. I've been oogling a couple of birth centers that do high volume births and allow short intern stints. I would be gone for about 3 months. Not something I can do pregnant or with a nursling.

So that's where I'm at. :~)

Oh yes lets induce at 39wks

2005-11-16T15:46:00.000-06:00

because you might go to fast!! What on earth! A woman on a board I frequent recently posted that her doctor is concerned that her labor is going to go to fast. Her first was 5 hours and she doesn't want her "stuck in traffic having a baby". So instead lets pump you up with artificial chemicals, increase your risk of c-section, uterine rupture, maternal infection. Let's reduce your pain coping mechanisms and your bodies natural hormone flow all so we don't risk the baby coming without us being ready.
And the response... Oh my goodness!

My boss was in the hospital hallway when she nearly gave birth to her third son...she was going thru labor so fast they couldn't even give her an epidural and were telling her NOT to push because they weren't prepared to catch the baby!!! So I think she must know what she's talking about!

We live almost 2 hours from the hospital, so a friend of ours had hers induced at 39.5 weeks and had her second baby after 2 hours. It went so fast! It's definitely something to consider, so it's good you have lots of time!

yes let's bring our babies into the world as early as possible!! Who cares if they are ready or not! I'm just blown away at the naivete of some of these women and their apparent lack of desire to educate themselves. Yes I was naive once too, but I did everything I could to educate myself!
I really just want to cry, these poor women will never know the empowerment that birth can be! They'll never know how strong their body really is and how awesome the whole biological dance is.

No brainer

2005-11-14T11:29:00.000-06:00

Well it started as any other day, nauseus beyond words and to top it off it seems that I strained my abdominal muscles so I'm staying in bed on my side so the water bed can support my belly. What is a girl to do when she's in bed all day other than surf the web? So I'm on this pregnancy board, it's very mainstream, and they have a formula feeders area. I knew I shouldn't have looked, but I was curious. So I'm looking around and most stuff is pretty benine when I come across this post

My son is 6 weeks old and I have been bf him the entire time..I did try to supplement with similac and soy while waiting for my milk supply to come in and he projectile vomited both times with the formula. So my milk supply came in and he does fine nursing except he has really bad gas which I think he may have allergies because my daughter displayed the same behaviors (very fussy, gassy, crying all the time) wants to nurse every hour. I have eliminated diary out of my diet and he seems to do better but still fussy and he has been this way since birth..so its not colic. I did think he had reflux because he has wet burps but he never spits up on my breast milk. So the ped but him on 1ml of Zantac twice a day.

I am sooo tired and I really hate bf at this point..he is doing well..he is 14 lbs. So I decided to switch him to formula this week. OMG, it was horrible. I started with Alimentum because that is what my daughter took and thrived on it starting at 7 weeks and because of his similar allergies. He took 3 ounces and fell asleep..I was so excited. He woke up an hour later and took 4 ounces and then the projectile vomiting began and did not stop until 8pm (tried giving him soy to and he would throw that up the minute I tried to burp him) that night when I finally gave him my breast milk and he stopped instantly and nursed fine the rest of the evening with no vomiting.

So I called my ped and they said it could take 3 days for his body to adjust to the formula..I can not have my child vomiting for 3 days..he was throwing up everything.. and he stopped wetting his diapers. They to try another hypoallergic formula but I am so scared because of the vomiting.

Has anyone had this happen to them? I know I have read a few posts about mixing formula with the breast milk..how long did you do this before they took a baby of just formula? I don't think it is his reflux because he doesn't vomit my breast milk..he is just fussy on my breast milk or could the formula make his reflux worse?

Please help!!

WHAT THE HELL!!! It took everything I had within me to keep from posting what I'm about to write here... I didn't post it, because I seriously doubt it would do any good.
Why would you subject your baby to that kind of torture because you are tired of breastfeeding? What kind of self person does that? I mean how many people would voluntarily eat something everyday that they know is going to cause horrid vomiting and dehydration?
I'm just flabbergasted that someone would even need to post about that? I mean, HELLO!, continue to breastfeed you twit!

We have Names!!!

2005-11-09T20:12:00.000-06:00

Alright so I've been praying for a little over a year now for twin girls, I'm still holding out hope!
If it's twin girls it'll be Bernice Eleanore and Gwenyth Elizabeth (Bea and Gea<-- isn't it cute!)
Just one girl and we'll go with Bernice Eleanore which by the way is my grandmother and hubby's grandmother's first names.
If it's a boy Harrison William will be his name. Sounds like a pretty big name huh? I hope he can live up to it.

I haven't heard anything from my family, I know my grandmother got her package. I would have thought that she'd call just to say she got it. I hate that there is so much strain in my family, I'm not even sure why my grandmother never calls and when I do call never seems to have much to talk about. I feel so out of the loop. I'm not really close to anyone anymore. How pathetic is that?! When I die my husband will be the only one that really "knows" me.

Shoot me and get it over with

2005-11-08T18:00:00.000-06:00

Man this all day sickness is getting very very old. I am on the verge of throwing up constantly. I don't want to eat anything and most drinks aren't even appealing. I'm so tired all the time and most days have a headache... Oh the joys of pregnancy... all this misery is making me short with the kids which just adds to my feelings of horribleness.
I suppose I should count myself lucky I don't have hypermesis, although I feel like one good tossing of the cookies would help so much.

I've also developed a strange odor... I smell metallic, like my sweat smells like metal. I know you're probably asking yourself "what does metal smell like" well trust me it has a smell.

My in-laws got the cards, and totally didn't get it. Oh well we walked them through it and they seemed genuinely happy for us. My sister-in-law hasn't picked hers up from the post office yet.

Motion Sickness?

2005-10-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

Do you suppose one can get motion sickness on the 12 foot walk from the couch to the laundry room?

No..

Are you sure?

Guess this means the nausea has officially set in. Thankfully it seems to be mostly an evening thing, which means my wonderful, ever loving and supportive husband will be home to cook dinner and chase kids. I felt sick in the car last night which is a sure sign for me. I really dislike this nausea business. I mean, why can't I just puke and get it done with!? Instead of hours and hours of feeling like I'm on the verge of prayer to the porcelain god but never quite getting there. It's even hard to drink water, which I'm really not drinking enough. The lemon drops seem to be helping, and hubby is bringing me sprite which usually helps, this coupled with Ritz crackers is likely to be my main dietary regime for the next few weeks.
It's things like this that make me wonder how women have healthy babies at all!

Carter's World

2005-10-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

Carter's World

How totally cute is this? I think it's just adorable how it's written from his perspective. I might have to copy this idea.

my low carb journey

2005-10-18T20:54:00.000-05:00

my low carb journey
Have you seen this Mama? she's amazing! I think it's great how with some simple changes she's really losing the weight!

Gas Increase

2005-10-18T17:56:00.000-05:00

You know back in the day, before I had any children, I didn't pay any attention to gas, really I never noticed it.
Well I assume this is gas anyway, no not the type at the pumps, the type that gives me little bumps and gurgles low in my abdomen. The type that makes any woman who has previously been pregnant hesitate for a moment at whether that is gas or a baby moving about. Considering it's about 6 weeks to early for movement, I'm guessing it's gas. But it's been going on the last few days and every single time I stop and wonder for just a moment.... and of course my hopes of twins increase. 'Cause you know early movement is a sign.

I'm still only occasionally feeling sick. In all of my pregnancies I've never thrown up (knock wood) but I do sometimes get horribly nauseous to the point I really want to toss my cookies in hopes that it will at the very least give me some relief. It's never happened, so I usually sit around and moan about how aweful I feel and how nothing sounds good to eat.

I've been buying maternity clothes like a mad woman, do you have ANY idea how many maternity clothing listings there are on Ebay? approximately 18000! I don't really need maternity clothes but dang I feel like I have to do something to celebrate this new little one!
Anyone have any ideas on none expensive ways I could do that? I'm sure my hubby would appreciate it!

4 weeks into a 6 pack

2005-10-13T14:40:00.000-05:00

and so the journey begins...

Nope not a 6 pack of alcoholic beverage, though some might think I need that right about now! No, a 6 pack of little munchkins. I found out October 10th that I am pregnant with our sixth child. I told my darling husband by pasting a picture of each of our 5 kids on a bottle of root beer (this just happens to be his favorite soda) and then on the 6th bottle I placed a question mark. I returned from the grocery store and as usual he helped unload and put away the groceries. When he came to the 6 pack he said thank you and asked if it was a bribe because I spent so much. Good idea, but nope not this time! All the groceries were put away, he put two bottles of root beer in the fridge, not noticing the pictures on them. So I asked if he wanted a glass now, he decides he might. So he opens a bottle, this would be the third bottle he's handled at this point. He still doesn't notice... I'm ready to burst by now. I've suspected for several days and new for sure since early this morning and now he can't even be observant enough to notice my little puzzle. I don't do well keeping secrets and this is just killing me.
So I try to busy myself in the kitchen, he starts cooking dinner. He looks at me and asks "what's up?" (remember I'm horrible at keeping secrets) I tell him nothing and he of course doesn't believe me "no, you look guilty"
"guilty? what would I be guilty of?"
"I don't know, but I think you're up to something"
"Let's just say you're completely un-observant"
"what?"
"you've missed something pretty big"
He begins looking in the sacks that have yet to be unpacked (none of them grocery items)
I say "It's in plain sight"
"plain sight?"
"yep"
he continues to look through bags
"more plain sight than inside a bag"
he thinks about that for a moment and asks "did I bring it in with the groceries?"
"yes, as a matter of fact you're the one that carried that specific bag."
he starts looking in bags again
"I said it was in more plain sight than inside a bag"
he then looks IN the six pack box.... still does not see the pictures. By the way he's picked up the one bottle he opened three times already and still has not noticed a 3x2 picture on the outside of an otherwise plain bottle.
I tell him "you just missed it" he's still confused looks over in the general area of the six pack again then, finally picks up a bottle and looks at the side! What do you know, he sees a picture.
His response "oh how cute" Uh hello!! earth to husband! do you think I had nothing better to do than put pictures on the outside of soda bottles today and did it totally for the cuteness factor?!
So I reach into the fridge and pull out the other two bottles, holding each one up and naming the child on the bottle, after all five I ask if he sees a pattern. He's still puzzled and begins trying to remove the question mark on the sixth bottle. I suppose he thought there was a prize under it or something, who really knows what was going through his mind. So I once again went through the kids C, D, E, A, F, and..... AHA!! He finally made the connection! All I could do at this point was laugh. He looked at me with a smile and look of shock and said "are you serious?" when I replied I was all he could say was "wow". Of course he was grinning from ear to ear and we were both laughing at this point.
We told the children by having F, the youngest, wear a "I'm going to be a big brother" t-shirt. It took a little while for my oldest C (10) to get it and his first comment was "not another boy" ah yes the joy of having another sibling is evident!
My only daughter D (7) keeps talking about her sisterS (yes more than one) we are praying for twin girls. I think it would be great!
We haven't told his parents or anyone on my family just yet. I'm sure my family won't have anything positive to say but we'll see.
We plan to tell his parents by sending a card from each of the kids with a sixth one that says "Love you Lots, see you in June, Love Bitty Baby" and his sister will get a T-shirt that says "Six little rugrats call me Aunt Chat"